The B.A.T. (Brendan Admiration Test) Required Information: Name: __________________________________ Date: __/__/__ Please sharpen your #42 pencil and be sure to fill in the Doof-bottle- shaped space completely. Cheaters will be taken out of the room and forced to watch El Mundo Gira, followed by Sanguinarium and a special director's cut version of Tesos dos Bichos. Section 1: General questions. 1. Those wacky LabMice have sent letters to the male executives at the FOX Network, demanding a Pendrell marathon or else "we'll get some rusty knives and show you the meaning of TRUE pain." FOX gracefully agrees to air the marathon. 1/4 of the way through Teliko, FOX news interrupts the show with a breaking story. The Ebola virus is running rampant through the country and the population of several major cities have taken the opportunity to riot and overthrow the government. What do you do? A) You immediately call up FOX and demand they get this stupid Ebola Watch '97 crap off the screen and continue the marathon. B) You panic and hop onto the nearest flight leaving the country. C) You decide that death is inevitable and watch your own taped copy of Teliko, deciding to die happy. D) You have no clue what's going on, since you turned off the TV 3 hours ago after finding out 90210 wasn't going to be on. 2. You frequent Internet message boards quite often and discover a person who wrote "Thank God that annoying little labrat kicked the bucket. What a contrived character!" What do you do? A) You politely respond to the post, saying that if the person doesn't like Pendrell, s/he should not burst onto the Pendrell board with that opinion. B) You start The Pendrell Flame War Of '97 and dedicate your life to destroying the life of the person. C) You'd probably do B), except that you've been listening to AOL's busy signal for the past thirty minutes. D) You commend the person for their opinion and become their best friend. 3. Someone complains that there was too little intubation in the Tempus Fugit/Max scenes. How do you respond? A) You agree wholeheartedly and write several angry letters to FOX asking why the intubation wasn't shown. B) You offer to send the person your own carefully-manipulated Pendrell intubation pics. C) You gag and wonder why a person would want to inflict that sort of medical procedure on anyone. D) You honestly don't care. Dead is dead, right? 4. You discover that there is an Agent Pendrell Memorial Webring being set up. What's your reaction? A) You immediately start making your own webpage to join the ring. B) You submit the Pendrell page you already have into the ring. C) You laugh at those kooky people and dismiss it as harmless fanaticism. D) You call the FBI and tell them that they're obviously insane and should be locked up for their own protection. 5. Someone refers to fans of Pendrell as "Pendrellites." What do you do? A) You immediately alert the honorable EnCat, to ensure that the offender is put to death in a timely fashion. B) You kinda like the sound of the word and decide to make it your new nickname. C) You send rabid e-mail to the offender with the words "LAB MICE, DAMN YOU! LAB MICE!!" appearing around 1.2 million times. D) You wrote the post just 'cause you knew it would tick everyone off. Section 2: LABB-Related Questions 1. You join the LABB and get about thirty letters per day speaking of totally insane topics such as 500 pound mice and someone named Mr. Woo. What do you do? A) Lurk awhile to see if anything makes sense over time. B) Decide that it's safer to just jump right in and see what happens. C) Write back claiming that the 500 pound mouse accidentally ate Aaron Spelling and the LABB is now being hailed as Guardians of the World. D) Tell the entire club to bite you and quit. 2. You notice that several people are in very deep denial over the death of Pendy. What do you do/say? A) That admittance is the first step to healing and that they should share their anguish with the rest of the group. B) You decide you enjoy denial and start making up elaborate stories on how Pendrell might've lived. C) You try to ignore the issue for fear that those in denial might wrench their arms out of their straightjackets long enough to kill you if you disagreed. D) That he's dead and he's not coming back. Ever. 3. You're 16 years old and someone offers you a Doof. What do you do? A) Politely ask for an O'Doof, since you can't have alcohol. B) Gladly accept it and start guzzling until you see not one but THREE 500-pound rats storming through the lab C) Ask for something a little stronger, like Doof Malt Liquor or Doof Fortified Wine. D) Laugh hysterically at the name of the beer until you pass out. 4. You notice that occasionally an entity known as MRSP00KY comes around and reveals tidbits of BB information. How do you react? A) You swoon, drink it up, and demand more. B) You drink it up and then make fun of any spelling/grammar mistakes made. C) You become very suspicious of this MRSP00KY character and don't believe anything he says. D) You ARE MRSP00KY, you tight-lipped little punk! 5. The Lab has the resources to do one more experiment. What should it be? A) Cloning David Duchovny five thousand times. B) Cloning Brendan 2.7 million times. C) Creating a "death-to-life" potion to revive Pendrell D) Creating a really wicked combination of Doof Malt Liquor and vodka that shoots your blood alcohol level to 3.7 with one sip. Section 3: Fill-In Questions: 1. What is your favorite X-Files episode? _____________________________________ (If Tempus Fugit/Max is your answer, explain why) _____________________________________ 2. What is your favorite Pendrell episode? _____________________________________ (If Tempus Fugit/Max is your answer, explain why) _____________________________________ 3. What is your favorite Pendrell quote? _____________________________________ 4. What is your favorite Pendrell nickname? _____________________________________ 5. What is the capital of Bolivia? _____________________________________ Section 4: Brendan-related questions 1. You are informed by the everlasting evil one (AKA MRSP00KY) that Brendan was in a Must-See-TV episode. Do you: A) Resign yourself to wading through every single NBC episode to find him B) Tape each show and just look in the credits C) Shiver in fear and try to throttle the answer out of MRSP00KY D) Decide that even Brendan isn't worth watching Suddenly Susan every week and give up. 2. You pass Brendan on the street. After you regain consciousness, what do you do? A) Walk over and ask for his autograph, being very polite and not at all fanatic. B) You give him your e-mail address, real address, home phone number, work number, cell phone number, pager number, and your specially crafted whistle that summons your passenger pigeon. You coyly ask for him to get in touch with you. Then you pass out again. C) You think "Oh cool, I'll have to tell everyone I saw him." D) You mistake him for one of the clones and haul him back to the lab in a burlap sack. E) You ignore him completely, too busy to care. 3. You learn that Brendan will need to have surgery. What's your reaction? A) You get on the phone with the hospital and demand to know what's wrong with him and offer to donate any organs you have to him. B) You send him flowers every day and make sure you know his progress every day. C) You host a 48-hour Brendan telethon to raise money for the operation. D) You become a little sad and go about your normal life. 4. You learn that on Sunday Brendan will be doing an X-Files convention, but if you go you'll miss work and most likely be fired. You learn that David Duchovny will be making a rare convention appearance on the Saturday before the convention, along with Nic Lea and William B. Davis. What do you do? A) You decide that since you need your job, you'll go to the Saturday convention. B) You clone yourself and send your double to go to work while you go to the Brendan convention. C) You take the opportunity and quit your job, chewing out your boss and happily going to the convention on Sunday. D) You go to neither - what fool goes to an X-Files convention? 5. Brendan asks you to marry him. What do you say? A) No B) Yes C) Well, okay, but we'll have to go to Hawaii (Males only) D) The priest's outside and I have these five rings for you to choose from. E) WHAT? Never! Section 5: General Survey (Optional, not graded) Job (check all that apply) _ work in the Lab _ want to work in the Lab _ used to work in the Lab _ was banned from the Lab due to unusual and grotesque comments made during the wake/kegger party _ Other Level of Income: _ whatever pitiful government grant I receive for my work in the Lab _ Depends on how much blackmail I do in the year _ $1.3 million + _ Other Beverage Preference: _ Doof _ O'Doof _ Doof Fortified Wine _ Doof Dark _ Doof Malt Liquor _ Doof Baby Formula _ Doof Cola _ Doof Lite _ Pipette _ All of the above _ Other Gender: _ Male _ Female _ Other Species: _ LabMouse _ Human _ Reticulan _ Norwegian Elk Hound _ Other On a scale of 1-10, 1 being the lowest, 10 the highest, how much to you adore Brendan? __________ Stop. Please put down your pencils and make sure your name is on your paper. The answer key follows. Tabulate your scores and see how you rank as a Brendan Admirer.