The B.A.T. Answer Key Teacher's Edition Rules and Guidelines: 1. If the student has chosen more than one answer, choose the one with the highest number of points. If the student chose A and B, A being worth 2 and B being worth 1, give them credit for A only. 2. If the student has attempted to suck up to the teacher, give them a 2 point bonus. Sucking up is what makes a person successful. 3. All fill-in answers are subject to debate. 4. Please do not tell the students how blatantly inaccurate the test is. We need our government grant and we're not going to get it if they go screaming that the test is an inaccurate waste of time. Section 1: General Questions. 1. A) You immediately call up FOX and demand they get this stupid Ebola Watch '97 crap off the screen and continue the marathon 2 points: The student obviously has taste. B) You panic and hop onto the nearest flight leaving the country. 1 point: The student has more concern for him/herself, rather than Brendan. C) You decide that death is inevitable and watch your own taped copy of Teliko, deciding to die happy. 2 points: The student has decided to admire Brendan, even when doomed with death. D) You have no clue what's going on, since you turned off the TV 3 hours ago after finding out 90210 wasn't going to be on. 0 points: Anyone who would prefer 90210 to a Brendan marathon is not an admirer and would probably flee the country as mentioned in C). 2. A) You politely respond to the post, saying that if the person doesn't like Pendrell, s/he should not burst onto the Pendrell board with that opinion. 1 point: The student is too civil to properly defend Brendan's honor. B) You start The Pendrell Flame War Of '97 and dedicate your life to destroying the life of the person. 2 points: The student shows great signs of allegiance to Brendan and his good name and will become an excellent ally to Brendan and all that follow him. C) You'd probably do B), except that you've been listening to AOL's busy signal for the past thirty minutes. 2 points: The student cannot be blamed for the faults of AOL, and had all good intentions in mind. D) You commend the person for their opinion and become their best friend. 0 points: The student is siding with the enemy, a classic sign of a Brendan hater. 3. A) You agree wholeheartedly and write several angry letters to FOX asking why the intubation wasn't shown. 2 points: The student is obviously mature enough to demand high-quality medical aid. B) You offer to send the person your own carefully-manipulated Pendrell intubation pics. 2 points: The student shows great creativity and imagination as well as a sense of generosity. C) You gag and wonder why a person would want to inflict that sort of medical procedure on anyone. 1 point: The student is far too weak-stomached to be a defender of Brendan, who have to survive full on flames on occasion. D) You honestly don't care. Dead is dead, right? 0 points: The student is far too accepting of death. He/she has no concept of denial and would not be at all suited for a Brendan admirer. 4. A) You immediately start making your own webpage to join the ring. 2 points: The student shows great motivation and creativity. B) You submit the Pendrell page you already have into the ring. 2 points: The student has reached a level of fanaticism without any provocation. C) You laugh at those kooky people and dismiss it as harmless fanaticism. 1 point: The student is condescending but does not go as far as to insult. D) You call the FBI and tell them that they're obviously insane and should be locked up for their own protection. 0 points: The student clearly overreacts in this case and is far too sane to become a defender of Brendan. 5. A) You immediately alert the honorable EnCat, to ensure that the offender is put to death in a timely fashion. 2 points: The student is already aware of the defender of the LabMouse name. B) You kinda like the sound of the word and decide to make it your new nickname. 1 point: The student, while not showing outright Brendan hostility, still attaches to the thoroughly hated name of all Brendan fans. C) You send rabid e-mail to the offender with the words "LAB MICE, DAMN YOU! LAB MICE!!" appearing around 1.2 million times. 2 points: The student shows definite spunk and is a verbal defender of the LabMice's good name. D) You wrote the post just 'cause you knew it would tick everyone off. 0 points: The student, with malice and intent, deliberately tried to irk the LabMice. A definite sign of the Brendan hater. NOTE: The honorable EnCat gets an automatic 2 points for this section. Section 2: LABB-Related Questions 1. A) Lurk awhile to see if anything makes sense over time. 1 point: The student is fairly meek and would have trouble being a full-blown defender of Brendan. B) Decide that it's safer to just jump right in and see what happens. 2 points: The student is fully at home with fellow Brendan admirers and will do well integrating into the life as a defender. C) Write back claiming that the 500 pound mouse accidentally ate Aaron Spelling and the LABB is now being hailed as Guardians of the World. 2 points: The student is imaginative and also feels completely at ease with fellow admirers of Brendan. D) Tell the entire club to bite you and quit. 0 points: The student is easily intimidated by the ferocity of the Brendan admirers and results to weak insults to mask his/her feelings of inadequacy. 2. A) That admittance is the first step to healing and that they should share their anguish with the rest of the group. 1 point: The student is well-versed in pop psychology but does not fully understand how deep the roots of denial go. B) You decide you enjoy denial and start making up elaborate stories on how Pendrell might've lived. 2 points: The student is very bright as well as imaginative, and accepting denial will help them all the more in becoming a Brendan admirer. C) You try to ignore the issue for fear that those in denial might wrench their arms out of their straightjackets long enough to kill you if you disagreed. 1 point: The student tries denial of their own, denying that the debate over denial does exist. The blatant wrongness of this denial will deny the student a good experience with denial when they become a Brendan admirer. Or something to that effect. D) That he's dead and he's not coming back. Ever. 0 points: The student very coldly shoots down the denial highs of others and is rude and uncooperative. 3. A) Politely ask for an O'Doof, since you can't have alcohol. 1 point: The student is very conscientious of the law and will not adapt well to the ways of Brendan-defending, which involves killing, flaming, and general mayhem. B) Gladly accept it and start guzzling until you see not one but THREE 500-pound rats storming through the lab 2 points: The student is very brave and the DT's will test their ability to keep their mind intact. C) Ask for something a little stronger, like Doof Malt Liquor or Doof Fortified Wine. 2 points: The student is very adventurous and will do well as a Brendan-defender. D) Laugh hysterically at the name of the beer until you pass out. 0 points: The student mocks the name of the sacred beverage and will not get along well with other admirers. 4. A) You swoon, drink it up, and demand more. 2 points: The student's interest in the goings-on of Brendan are admirable. B) You drink it up and then make fun of any spelling/grammar mistakes made. 2 points: Not only does the student appreciate Brendan information, but also proves that he/she has a sense of humor as well. C) You become very suspicious of this MRSP00KY character and don't believe anything he says. 2 points: The student does not suffer fools lightly and should be commended for the suspicion in the matters of Brendan. D) You ARE MRSP00KY, you tight-lipped little punk! -10 points: The student is vague and arrogant in matters of Brendan and quite unwilling to share. 5. A) Cloning David Duchovny five thousand times. 0 points: The student is far more likely to be a candidate for the David Duchovny Estrogen Brigade than a Brendan admirer. B) Cloning Brendan 2.7 million times. 2 points: The student is resourceful and is just trying to make everyone happy. C) Creating a "death-to-life" potion to revive Pendrell 2 points: The student is extremely intelligent and will be welcome as an admirer. D) Creating a really wicked combination of Doof Malt Liquor and vodka that shoots your blood alcohol level to 3.7 with one sip. 1 point: While the student is not interested in Brendan with this experiment, they do highly commend the sacred Doof. Section 3: Fill-In Questions 1. What is your favorite X-Files episode? All episodes get 2 points, with the exceptions of: 1. Space 2. Sanguinarium 3. Tesos Dos Bichos 4. El Mundo Gira 5. Hell Money which all get 0 points due to lack of anything good or creative. Darin Morgan and Vince Gilligan episodes get 1 point bonus. 2. What is your favorite Pendrell episode? 2 point answers: Nisei/731, Apocrypha, Avatar, Herrenvolk, Teliko, Tunguska. All answers include Brendan, and therefore are properly honorable. 1 point answer: Wetwired This episode mentions Brendan's character and is considered honorable. 0 point answer: Anything else The student is not nearly as loyal as he/she should be, since they can't remember which episodes he was in. Tempus Fugit/Max: If you explained that you liked it because you were grateful to see Pendrell again, or you liked even the mention of intubation, or that seeing Pendrell drunk was a riot, give yourself 2 points. If it was because you enjoyed watching him die, subtract 50 points from your score. 3. 2 points: If Brendan has uttered a single line and you write it down. 1 point bonus: "What a doof" or "Keep it up yourself" or "Hey! Birthday girl!" The student is well versed in the episodes Brendan appeared in. 0 points: Anything else If he didn't speak it, how can it be your favorite line? 4. 2 points: Anything found on CiCi's LABB list 'o nicknames - if the name includes the word "Lab," "Doof," "Super," or "Godlike" it is acceptable. 0 points: Anything else. The student, if they feel they have a very good name never before seen, can argue this. 5. 2 points: La Paz The student has pointed out the administrative capital of Bolivia, showing good knowledge of the world. 3 points: Sucre The student has pointed out the judicial capital of Bolivia, which in fact is its official capital, proving that they have very good knowledge of the world. 4 points: Something to the effect of: What the heck does this have to do with Brendan??? The student realizes that the question does not relate to Brendan and therefore doesn't dignify an answer. 5 points: Any comical made-up name with a Pendrell/Brendan reference The student has a great imagination and that "Brendan-makes-the- world-go-'round" attitude. Section 4: Brendan-related questions 1. A) Resign yourself to wading through every single NBC episode to find him 2 points: The student shows extreme courage in wading through NBC's week o' crap to find Brendan. B) Tape each show and just look in the credits 2 points: The student is wise in not subjecting their mind to the filth. C) Shiver in fear and try to throttle the answer out of MRSP00KY 2 points: The student will be doing a great service to Mankind in putting the fear of God into MRSP00KY. D) Decide that even Brendan isn't worth watching Suddenly Susan every week and give up. 0 points: The student is far too weak to be a capable defender - not only must they watch Suddenly Susan but Dark Skies as well! 2. A) Walk over and ask for his autograph, being very polite and not at all fanatic. 2 points: The student is very kind to Brendan, choosing to become fanatic when they've gotten to know each other a little better. B) You give him your e-mail address, real address, home phone number, work number, cell phone number, pager number, and your specially crafted whistle that summons your passenger pigeon. You coyly ask for him to get in touch with you. Then you pass out again. 2 points: The student had superb instincts and shows a level of fanaticism suitable for defenders of Brendan. C) You think "Oh cool, I'll have to tell everyone I saw him." 1 point: The student makes the severe mistake of not trying to initiate at least a "Hi" or a "Can I have your baby?" At least they do share the experience with others. D) You mistake him for one of the clones and haul him back to the lab in a burlap sack. 2 points: A completely understandable mistake with an added bonus. E) You ignore him completely, too busy to care. 0 points: The student considers real life to be more important than Brendan and shows a definite coldness when it comes to him. 3. A) You get on the phone with the hospital and demand to know what's wrong with him and offer to donate any organs you have to him. 2 points: The student is extremely forceful when it comes to the well-being of Brendan and is generous as well. B) You send him flowers every day and make sure you know his progress every day. 1 point: The student, while interested in Brendan, is hardly willing to get out there and do something about it. C) You host a 48-hour Brendan telethon to raise money for the operation. 2 points: The student is resourceful and will be a wonderful defender of Brendan. D) You become a little sad and go about your normal life. 0 points: The student has little or no interest in Brendan's well-being. 4. A) You decide that since you need your job, you'll go to the Saturday convention. 1 point: The student considers a job more important than Brendan, but at least takes the time to go to a convention. B) You clone yourself and send your double to go to work while you go to the Brendan con. 2 points: The student is creative and intelligent. C) You take the opportunity and quit your job, chewing out your boss and happily going to the convention on Sunday. 2 points: The student is willing to sacrifice much for Brendan and will be a great defender. D) You go to neither - what fool goes to an X-Files convention? 0 points: The student scoffs at the X-Files in general and would be better off being a fan of a more mainstream show such as Friends. 5. A) No 1 point: Everyone's allowed to their opinion, no matter how misguided. B) Yes 2 points: The student has good decision making skills. C) Well, okay, but we'll have to go to Hawaii (Males only) 2 points: The student is willing to scoff society, a requirement in defending Brendan. D) The priest's outside and I have these five rings for you to choose from. 2 points: The student is resourceful and will make an excellent defender. E) WHAT? Never! 0 points: The student has obviously suffered brain trauma sometime in their life. Add the points and see how the student ranks: 40 + points : You are a FANATICAL BRENDAN WORSHIPPER. You'd do anything for our beloved redhead. You defend his honor at every turn and will happily kill anyone who disses him. You have much to be proud of and will be greatly rewarded by the Maker when you die. 39-20 points: You are a NORMAL BRENDAN ADMIRER. You like him and all, but he's no huge god to worship. The closer to 40 you are, the more likely you are to become downright fanatical. The closer to 20 you are, the more likely you are to lose interest and even criticize. Be wary in this area. 19-1 points: You are a MARGINAL ENEMY OF BRENDAN. You show marginal interest in him and rarely any fanaticism. You are redeemed by a passing concern for Brendan and fairly good taste. 0 and below: Heathen! You are an ENEMY OF BRENDAN. Do not dare try to look me in the eye, detestable scum! You have no respect for Brendan or his followers, and will most likely be killed for a heartless jest you make of Brendan. Repent, sinner! Your death will be painful and your afterlife full of eternal damnation!