From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 13:31:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: (LABB) Slightly Less-Bitter...

**********pssspspppsppspps...(((LABB)))....It's me...I'm uh trapped...HELP!!

Debi

**************************************************************************************
Subj: RE: ***COMMUNIQUE***
Date: 97-09-16 13:22:04 EDT
From: PenniPLaBB
To: UNIBLOND99

ATTENTION!!!

Fee's Clone wants it to known that *HE HAS JOINED* He is #4 listed below!!!
> Members:
> 4. Ares, Fee's Clone

**************************************************************************************

Also joining us CLONES in our fight are:

Cookie, Trillian's clone
Hades, Fee's clone(Formerly known as Walter)

EnCat......EnragedCat from the LABB

Carson......Carson from the LABB

Sami.......AnasaziBB from the LABB

**************************************************************************************
Captured today: UNIBLOND99/ The Official LABBAttourney!! (currently being held in one of our *minivacs* until she conforms!!!
**************************************************************************************

RJ........*YOU CAN'T STOP US!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

**************************************************************************************

Signed Penni, Head Cheese

for Brian, *KING OF CLONES*
**************************************************************************************

So??? eh? it's me.....Debi again!! I was negotiating with Brian & I heard Nick hollering from somewhere & when I picked up a mini vac...well he was in it & now I'm in it with him...*cough*...uh this is not good for my allergies!!! HELP!!!!

Debi

From SrGunther@aol.com
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 19:22:35 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: ((LABB)) Agent 007, Sir Mix-a-Lot, Keyser Soze and puffy directing pants...

Now for an update on the ongoing clone conspiracy: It was awfully tough, but with the aid of my mafia connections (I'm a Gambino at heart), I managed to get Keyser and Dweezil (the originals) to open up a can of Milennium style whup-ass on Keyser and Dweezil (the freshly cloned Keyser and Dweezil who joined the clone rebellion). Here's what they found.

Hello, this is Keyser speaking. How is everybody? Anyway, on to business. Good ol Paul convinced us into doing this, so let's just hope something good will come of it. Dweezil and I used our sort of clone-ish um, uh, how about "Gleaming"? That way Steven King won't be nagging us any longer...this skill of ours to get inside the mind of our clones, those clones being the clones whom are clones of us. Us being Dweezil and Keyser. But technically, they are Dweezil and Keyser too. So I guess, you could say we were talking to ourselves. But not really, since we are different people. Then again, we're not quite people, we're clones. But so are they...so I guess we're one and the same. Although, they are not us...but they are. So ya see... ::smack::

Hey folks! It's me, Dweezil! Keyser was rambling on a bit there, so I decided to punch him. Hehe, I like punching things. As Keyser was saying before he sorta went off on a tangent, we got into the minds of the clones we made of us. Which are really...oh, wait...I won't get into *that* again. Hey, did Paul tell ya? I got a new hat! It's all fuzzy and has a little propeller, and it's really cool, and it's red and green and blue and yellow and orange and purple and fuschia and burnt sienna and raw umber and teal and aquamarine and midnight blue and lavender and salmon and gray and indigo and goldenrod and cerulean and pink and maroon and puce and ::smack::

Hi LABB, it's Paul again. ::sigh:: Those 2 do tend to go on, don't they? I'm kinda worried as to how messed up the second-generation clones are... Okay, here's what happened. Dweezil and Keyser managed to tap into the minds of their respective clone-clones. Here's what they got..oh, they're dialogue is in parentheses..

(K: I hope this works.)
(D: I like my hat!)
(K: Shut up, someone's talking!)
Voice: I have a deeply religious background.
(D: Is that Carson?)
(K: Maybe...but he sounds too, well, I dunno...)
DWEEZIL: Huh?
(D: That's me! It is! It is!)
Voice: And I MUST say the oath in Tulsa, Oklahoma.
(K: I guess it is Carson...he is the only guy trapped at the encampment..)
(D: I always thought Sami sounded a bit mannish...)
(K: Shut up!! You ignorant pus-head!)
DWEEZIL: Tulsa, Oklahoma? Is that where they wear cowboy hats?
(D: Hats!! I have a-)
(K: Yes, I know. You have a hat.)
Carson: Yes, it's where they wear cowboy hats.
(D: Hats! I-)
(K: Shut up!! We all know about your freakin' hat!)
(D: Well, I like my hat so THPBBBBBTT!!)
DWEEZIL and KEYSER: Like Dad!
(D and K: ::sigh:: Dad..)
Carson: Yeah, whatever. Can you get me a plane?
KEYSER: Shouldn't you be going to Salt Lake City or someplace?
(D: Mmm...salt...ahhh...)
(K: Utah, home of...um...yeah, salt I guess.)
Carson: I don't think so. Wrong religion.
KEYSER: Oh. I didn't know Perry Como was born in Tulsa.
(D: Tulsa sounds like salsa! I'm hungryyyyyyy!)
(K: Hold on, we can eat in a little while.)
Carson: No, he wasn't born th -
DWEEZIL: Me neither! Hey, we should all go too!
Carson: Hang on...
KEYSER: Yeah! Let's tell Brian!
DWEEZIL: Field trip!!!
(D: I love field trips!! Yay!!!)
(K: Hold on, this could be important..)
Carson: No, wait, I...
KEYSER AND DWEEZIL: Field trip, field trip! We're going on a field trip!
BRIAN: Field trip?
(D: I love field trips!)
(K: We know...)
KEYSER: Uh-huh, uh-huh! Carson wants to go to Tulsa!!
BRIAN: Tulsa? Why would he want to go there?
(D: For salsa?)
(K: Shut up. Please.)
DWEEZIL: Maybe he's scheming! Maybe he's being bad! Maybe he wants to get away!
BRIAN: Hmm...perhaps..Call all the clones, and make sure Mr. Maynard gets a little *extra special* dustbuster treatment tonight!
DWEEZIL AND KEYSER AND BRIAN: Yes, extra special! Bwahhhahahahhahahahhahahahhahaaahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahhaha!!!! ::WHIIRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR::
(K: Make it stop, make it stop..)
POOFY!
(K: What was that?)
(D: I think we're unlinked! Now, let's eat!)
(K: Fine, fine..just don't whine about-)
(D: I have a hat!!!)
(K: AHHHHHHHHHH!)

And with that they ate salsa and were merry. So what does this all mean? Anything? Anybody? Helloooo, a little HELP would be appreciated! I mean, I can't do all the thinking by myself!

~Paul

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 20:03:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Killing Rutabagas Is Sick - bye Kris! :<

*still hurting from last night's round of dustbusting* Typical. Last night they decided I had been scheming/evil/wanting to get away, and I got all thirteen dustbusters. To Sami's credit, she looked quite horrified the entire time. *rubs his sore ear*

Today was a weird day in the cell. Sami was describing her recipe for synosnymnymm cookies to me when Ares opened the door and wheeled in two mini-vacuums, put one in each of our parts of the cell, and then left. At first I thought it was going to be a step up from dustbuster torture, but then Sami decided that maybe they wanted us to vacuum the cage. She couldn't find an outlet for the plug, so we just started pushing them around on the floor making "vroom-vroom" noises. Then...well...

SAMI'S VACUUM CLEANER: Hey!
SAMI: Eek!
SAMI'S VACUUM CLEANER: Who is that?! Hugh?! [censored]
SAMI: It's not Hugh! It's Sami!
SAMI'S VACUUM CLEANER: *Sami?!*
MY VACUUM CLEANER: Is someone there?
SAMI: Wow. Vacuum cleaners that talk and know my name. Do you think the clones invented these?

I unzipped the bag on my mini-vac...

ME: [looking in] Nick?!
NICK: [looking out] Hey, weren't you on Good Morning LABBVille once?
ME: Yeah - who put you in here, Penni?

At this point, the other mini-vac started making a raucous noise, so Sami unzipped it too.

SAMI: Debi!
DEBI: GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!

Then Ares came back in.

ARES: Uh...Brian said he wanted these in the *other* storage locker.
ME: Hey! - you're keeping us in a *storage* locker?!
SAMI: That's unfair treatment for POWs!
DEBI: What about *me*?! This is a mini-vac bag, for Doof's sake!

But Ares just came back over and zipped the bags back up, then wheeled the vacuum cleaners out. I thought our day of excitement had ended, but later, it turned out that Penwyn had been assigned to bring us our daily gruel. Sami got Pez in hers again, but wisely made a great show of spitting it out with utter disgust. As for me, there was a note between the bowl and the saucer. It read:

"Carson and Sami,
Long live Perry Como! Death to Pez!
You've been here three days. Don't
try to escape, or you'll have cause to
worry. I'm watching you all the time and
so are they. None of the clones
will try to help. No-one will be here
to rescue you, so you might as well give up
this evening. I'll come by then to take you
to Brian. Sign the agreement and you can get
out of here. Be ready.
Hail CC and the Best Brains!
- Penwyn"

Needless to say, I was devastated - I thought he was on our side. Sami wanted to know what had sent me into such a fit, so I slipped the note through the bars. Well! She noticed that the grammar was kind of strange, so she tried just reading every other line...anyway, to make a long story short, we've eaten all our gruel to get our stamina up and are ready to make our big break for it.

Carson Maynard :>

From Pendrella@aol.com
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 20:05:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: ((LABB)) Newsflash!

LABBVILLE, SEPTEMBER 16:

While plotting their takeover of the world in Clone Headquarters today, Brendan Beiser clones Penni P and Brian looked up to see *Frank Spotnitz* and *Chris Carter*. They promptly screamed and ran in fear. In his rush to escape, Penni broke one of his red high heels, slowing him down, and was soon caught and held by Carter. Spotnitz ran for the dungeon as clones scattered, afraid of the dreaded Tempus Fugit he wielded. Using duck tape, three matches, and an empty bottle of Doof^Ù Vodka (hey, I saw it on MacGyver!), Spotnitz broke the lock to the dungeon and freed Debi, Sami, and Carson. The four raced back to find Carter staring dejectedly as all the clones sped away in their MaryKayCloneMobile. After checking to see that Penni was safely ducktaped to a chair, Carson, Debi, and Sami turned on Carter and Spotnitz, still bitter over the Max incident. "Aaaaaack!" screamed Carter. "Guys, it's me! Stop! Debi, put that plastic knife away! Carson, get back!" Carter lifted his hands to his face and....pulled it off! It was Odie, wearing a CarterMask! Spotnitz promptly removed *his* mask to reveal Trillian! 'Twas indeed a happy moment in LabbVill...except for Odie and Trill, who were feeling yucky from being inside those terrible rubber masks! QED

So, guys, now we've got ourselves a hostage. What should we do with him, hmmm? Stop screaming like that, Penni, you'll give me a headache!

--Trillian/Pendrella

From EnragedCat@aol.com
Date: Tue, 16 Sep 1997 20:58:52 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) http://members.aol.com/XAPen/contest.html !!! the holy grail!

Since I have no life (yay! Odie!), I've decided I'll spend my spare time - I have lots, after all, considering how the *genetic icons* just make me tear newspaper - advertising CiCi's LABB fanfic contest. See the subject line.

It was getting pretty boring around the Genetic Icon headquarters yesterday. I was even getting sick of the TMBG classic "Spider," (which I play constantly to break Carson's eardrums and chances to be one of my favorite songs) and doodling over Tiger Woods' face was getting pretty redundant, so I decided to spice things up for the captives and instead played latin opera music and gave them both a Doof on the rocks. They didn't seem to mind that form of torture that much though it irritated me to see 'em downing so much Doof, and all in all the plan failed. Penni and Brain didn't seem to notice that Carson and Sami were dancing around in their cells in a highly drunken fashion, but then they were too preoccupied in their dustbusters, er, cute mini vacuum cleaners..

<yaaawn>

The bad thing is I'm not allowed near Debi's compound so I can't pester her with Doofs on the rocks and the like.

This genetic icon business isn't too bad, really, it isn't. Join, I say! Join! JOIN!! Succumb to the allmighty powers of Beverly Clearly's hypnotic writings and Perry Como's cherished lyri-ACK! BATS BATS!

And, now that Carson, Sami, and Debi are FREED (yeesh...I was too busy typing to notice...), might as well do the reply package...

Duc: << Cat: The clones are changing eh? Even their wardrobe. Well crap. There goes that
picture I took of them. >>
No! The *genetic icons* aren't changing physically...they want to be more PC, that's all. Thus, clones = genetic icons, dustbusters = cute mini vacuums, and they wanted to do the same for kilts, but that seemed just preposterous.

Sami: << *SNIFF* See if we ever idolize a stupid word you make up again . . . >>
Ohh... :( Come on! Perry Como isn't *that* bad! Long live the great PERRY COMO!

--EnCat

--
Evil Labmouse

From dawn@sgarden.demon.co.uk
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 15:58:17 +0100
Subject: (LABB) worried me....

listen guys, sorry I'm speaking in hushed tones but this is serious... You know my clone Hamish....well I'm even more worried about him than I was!! A few nights ago I thought I heard someone speaking so I got up and found Hamish sitting at the bottom of the stairs wearing his pink silk kimonno and one of those miners helmets with the light on the front....At first I thought he was mumbling to himself, but then I realised he was on the phone! I didn't want to disturb him incase he was sleep-phoning, so I just listened in.

i couldn't get much of what was said excpet I heard... "30 feet of orange and purple tartan......no just the silver sequins.....yes...deliver it to the Playpen."

Ack! then everything went black and I woke up the next morning with an empty bottle of Doff malt...and one heck of a headache.

Since then I keep hearing the whir of a sewing machine at the oddest moments, and all my Dad's Jim Reeves, Sidney Devine and Andy williams records have gone missing!

I confronted Hamish on this the other day while he was polishing his teddy bear...

ME: Hamish darling, are you having any problems you want to talk to me about?
HAMISH: *Looking startled and guilty* Me? no....and my name's not Hamish by the way.
ME: *suspicious and stunned* well what is your doofin name then??
HAMISH: It's Zep. I got it changed by deed pole when you were watching the EMMYS.
ME: What??? Why? What's going on? What have you been hiding in your playpen?
HAMISH/ZEP: NOTHING!!! Stop asking me questions silly woman! Leave me alone, I have work to do.
ME: Doofin' right you do!!! You haven't even washed the dishes for the past two weeks ...what are you thinking of?!!
HAMISH/ZEP: I have more important work to do now....I have to go and do some stitching...go away now!!

I walked out of the rom in a bewildered state and haven't spoken to him since...

Why ZEP? What kind of a name is that??

I think he may be involed in this eveil business!

Dawn/Osu

From Creyente@aol.com
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 00:14:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (((LABB)))) Our fight song!!!! EVERYONE READ!!!!

Well... this is certainly concerning... gee... well, at least I've still got Michael and Jackson on our.. hey... wait!!! MICHAEL, JACKSON!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! They've gone to the dark side!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! :::Hides under table::::

Wait a second. We made these clones... we can take 'em down!!!! YAAAAHURRAH!!!!

I've made us a Lab song!! Watch out, clones, here comes the LABB!!!

I've got waaaayyy too much time on my hands!

Kristin
Writer of the Lab song, who has had waaaaayyy too much sugar!

From XPhile001@aol.com
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 19:31:19 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: {{{LABB}}}} My other vehicle is a zamboni

<<:::Dolenz waves back to Rose::: Hi'ya babe!>>
:::giggles::: Babe? I think that's one o' th' few things I've never been called b'fore. I wish MY clones were like that! Speakin' o' which, Rusty's converted. Chuck wants ta side with th' LABB, though. He said that his Taz Pez container told him that Pez aren't really evil. :::shrugs:::

From EnragedCat@aol.com
Date: Wed, 17 Sep 1997 20:57:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Crazy with the Cheez Whiz!

And to all new members, join the ranks of the anti-Pez and the pro-Como! It is better then helping these plastic-fork accessorized lunatics known as "LabMice!" Harumph!

*Genetic Icons* will show you the way! Onwards, Brian! To victory!

--EnCat

--Evil LabMouse

From Pendrella@aol.com
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 00:55:18 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: {LABB} Say what?

Yes, EnCat, Odie and I freed Sami, Carson, & Debi. Didn't we Odie? Odie??? ODIE?!?!?!?

Well, um Carson can confirm this...right, Carson? Caaaaaarsooooon! Where aaaaaarrrre yoooooooou?

Whatever. They were freed. EnCat, you had fallen asleep listening to TMBG and we decided not to disturb you.

--Trillian/Pendrella

From Peter@bowyer.demon.co.uk
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 18:30:34 +0100
Subject: LABB::Musings of a Labmouse

Talking about X-Files episodes, Home has just been on. I watched it on my own in the dark, and even though I've seen it before it was still scary enough for me to have to close my eyes at times!! It's so funny when M and S are trying to distract the peacock brothers and Scully tries "Baa-ram -ewe" on the pigs to make 'em move!!

Hey, that gives me an idea!! Maybe there's some sort of secret password to control the clones!! Maybe we could use it to stop their Pez (I've finally worked out what's going on!!) hating etc. Now, what could the password be, any ideas??

**********************

Bye Kris, miss ya.
What's happening guys, everyone's leaving. I guess it makes the mail load easier on the rest of us. But how will we defeat the clones if our numbers are dwindling??

**********************

By the way RJ, my clone William hasn't joined the other clones, he's err.. slightly err.. well, incapacitated shall we say, at the moment. He's taken up this wierd religion, and believes he can bring back people from the dead. He's in the kitchen now with a black cape cooking up some strange mixture that he said (in one of the rare moments he wasn't in a trance) would summon up the spirits. I don't know about spirits, but it's certainly summoning the ducks from the pond next door, I've spent the morning flapping my arms wildly trying to get rid off them.

Oh no. He's started he's chanting again, I can stand the chanting, but it leads to the wailing, which leads to the........"STOP, PLEASE STOP!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" this is killing me.

From AnasaziBB@aol.com
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 19:10:56 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) They say days go by and hypnotize . . . Sonny came home . . .

Great. Just great. Trill and Odie tried to come and rescue us, for all the good that it did. Now they have themselves *6* prisoners. Okay, now onto repl--oh, you want to know what happened?

Well, soon after Trill and Odie ripped off their masks, Penwyn came sneaking into the basement, looking behind him, with a bunch of keys in his hand. He turned around and screamed.

Pen: AHHH!!! Guys! You're free! I was just coming to rescue you!

Trill and Odie explained to him what had happened.

Pen: That's good! Now Penni and the other clones won't even suspect that I was the one who was going to break you out!
Voice from behind: Not so fast!

Everyone turned and looked.

Me: EnCat!
Carson: EnCat!
Trill: EnCat!
Odie: EnCat!
Penwyn: I think we've already established this, but for the sake of the story, ENCAT!!
EnCat: Yes, it is I! You Pez-loving Perry Como-hating bat-loving . . . people think that you could have fooled the creater of the word 'synosnymnymm'? I'm much more intelligent than that! Penwyn, did you *really* think I wouldn't figure out the code? *PENNI* will hear about your treachery and as soon as those dunderheads get back from gallavanting about the country in their little clone mobile, you'll be demoted! Or something . . .
Penwyn: ::::blubbering::::: I didn't mean to do anything against the great overthrow of the totalitarian pez-lovers! It's just that Debi was always nice to me, and Sami and her clones were always letting me visit, and Carson was so sweet and he promised me some of Sami's synosnymnymm cookies and he never yelled at me, except maybe once, but I suppose I deserved it because I actually *did* know that Ian didn't like it when I stabbed pencils up his nose--
EnCat: Enough of that! All of you, come here, immediately!

We look at each other.

Me: No way! How are you going to make us?

We head for the exit. EnCat pulls out a funky looking gun-shaped thing.

Me: Oh, no! And I just thought I left my WIB gun at Odie's cheese hut that one night . . .
EnCat: Come here!

So we were all handcuffed together and thrown into the prison, where we waited until Penni came back. He sentenced us to the EXTREME DUSTBUSTER TORTURE and threw us back into our cells, with Odie and Trill getting the ones next to Debi and Penwyn being shackled in arm and leg chains and handcuffed to EnCat's side, except when she lets him loose to do her bidding . . .

And so I'm writing to you from this dinky little cell. And since there's nothing else to do, I shall continue onto the rest of my letters.

Debi:
<< Penni will be doing a show soon!! You & Carson & EnCat >>
Another one with me in it! Wow. I'm feel special now. Hee hee. Two in a row. He's not going to be mean again, is he? Do you think he'll let us free when we're on his show? Help?

<< Also joining us CLONES in our fight are:
Sami.......AnasaziBB from the LABB >>

Me? Convert? NEVER!! DOWN WITH CLONES--wait a sec EnCat's coming by on her rounds again--SMACK THE BATS UNTO THE FLOOR! AND IT SERVES YOU ALL RIGHT, YOU EVIL PEZ EATERS!!! Okay, I think she's passed.

<< (D: I always thought Sami sounded a bit mannish...) >>
All right. I'll just ignore that comment . . .

And as for the rest of it, I have no idea what it means, because I seemed to be left out of this little conversation. Although I *did* think it was strange when Carson got extra dustbuster treament than usual. But when I asked him, he didn't want to talk about it. *shrug*

Okay, EnCat is starting to look annoyed that I'm making this letter so long. I'd better say good-bye.

Hey, En, can I have my gun back when this whole ordeal is over? What do you *mean* it's never going to be over? Someone, HELP??

Sami :)
*We'll be free when I *say* we'll be free* (VBEG)

From SrGunther@aol.com
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 20:29:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Shine fo' yer boots gov'nah?

Oh, hold on a second...
::ducking::
Pheww. The clones are keeping constant watch on me. They don't want me communicating with the outside world. Oops, I guess I forgot to tell you. I, uh, well, um...I kinda got myself taken prisoner. But it's not my fault! It isn't! Actually...well, now that I think about it, it's entirely my fault.

I was out, taking a stroll around Labville. Not doing anything suspicious, mind you. Just being a good little citizen. And then this fat cop pulled me over (tough to manage when one is without motorized vehicle)...Said something about having to take me downtown..He was reeeeeeally fat. I think his name was um...what was it...Callie? Coofie? Coppie? Coorie? Coolie? Coolio? P-Funk? Wyclef Jean featuring Refugee All-Stars? I guess it's not that important...anyway, he kept saying "Tako!" (an effort to get past Stephen King copyright problems, I suppose) Regardless, he threw me into the trunk of the car. Then I heard some odd music...slow music...boring music...Perry Como.

Terrified beyond belief, I heard a ripping of steel and looked up to see light pouring through the shredded hood. Keyser and Dweezil were standing above, crowbar in hand!

Keyser: C'mon Paul, let's get out of here!
Dweezil: Hurry, before the other clones get here! We'll get you back to the house!
Me: Oh, great! And I thought that--wait a second...Keyser, what are you doing with that stereo.
Keyser: Um, nothing at all.
Me: What's in that stereo, Keyser? What did you put in there?
Keyser: Um...uh....well, it's not what you're thinking...no, not at all...it's, um..
Dweezil: It's Per-
Keyser: Shut up!!! Don't tell the fool what we've got in there! Then he'll know!
Me: You're the beta generation clones! You're not the real Keyser and Dweezil!
Keyser: Oh damn. Eh, what the heck. ::smashing the play button::
Me: Stop that! You suck! You were born in a cuisinart, hear me?!?! CUIS-A-NART!!
Dweezil: Cuisinarts are of no importance to us. Ahh, sweet sweet Como...you will lead us to VICTORY!!!
Me: No! Stop...it!! So...boring...and.....mind...numb...numb...numb... ::SNORRRRRRRRRRRE::

And I woke up here. Unfortunately, I'm not sure where "here" is. I know it's on the clone compound. And I know it's near where the dustbuster Research and Development laboratories are....the constant whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr is driving me out of my mind..and into the fire...sunny came home..No!!! No!!!! Will--not---resort to singing---lame songs--never! Never ever! Hear me clones, HEAR ME?!?! YOU CAN TAKE MY LIFE, BUT YOU'LL NEVER TAKE...OUR FREEDOM!!! Wait...technically they already have taken my freedom...uh...forget about that "take my life" part, okay?

Hmmm...seems I have a little free time before Encat comes back to check on me..replies!!!

[replies]

Well, that's enough replies for now. I think I'd best be going. If any of the other prisoners have any idea where I am, visits would be appreciated. It's so lonely...::sniffle::

~Paul

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Thu, 18 Sep 1997 22:05:33 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: ::LABB:: Oh no don't look at me like Aunti Grizelda

OK well for all intents and purposes you cant see me. I found a closet, stocked it with doof, cheese and other living necessities and stuffed me and Sully in there. NO way i'm letting my wonderful wonderful practily new Pendy clone fall into to the hands of the.... ooh foot steps!! Sully shhh.. stop that singing!! we'll be found!!! ::clamps hand over Sully's mouth as foot steps and and the sound of dustbusters pass:: There's room in here for me. If you want in just say the magic word and we'll let you in. Plenty off doof stocked in here.. made sure of that.

Mel

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 00:42:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: LABB: The Finale of the "Hoe Down California" saga

I hopped the Doof Corporate Jet and flew to LA, and tracked down Anton, O. Danny Boye, Ode'a, and Big Bertha McKurrdle by simply tracing @@@@@@@@@'s @@@@@@@@ credit card and found out they were staying at the @@@@@@@@@ Motor Court on @@@@@@@ Avenue. MEANWHILE, poor Brenden is in in his 4th day of incarsaration for the brutal assualt on Frank Spotnazi (who seems to have recovered from his injuries rather quickly), but he's still pleading innocence. [NOTE: Why have none of you gals out there come to his defense by claiming you were watching the Fleewood Mac concert with him???]

Well, sure enough, all the missing clones and were there at the @@@@@@ Motor court on Melrose ave. (ooops) Actually I knocked on Anton & ode'a door and after a few minutes, Anton's peeking from behind the chained door. "RJ! What are doing here! How'd you find us?"

"Considering all the attacks Brenden is conducting against 1013 Productions while wearing HOCKEY JERSEYS and HAWAIIAN SHIRTS, I'm embarassed to say I had no idea where yopu two clowns were!"

ANTon let me in the room, so I wouldn't attract attention. Ode'a was...still in bed, and wearing only a smile under the sheets. "So where's Danny Boye?"

"He's next door in the ajoining room. He and Big Bertha were playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer drinking game and got pretty blitzed." Anton shrugged.

I knocked at the door and after several attempts at persuading Danny that I was I and not the LAPD or Royal Canadian mounted Police, he and Bertha sheepishly joined us.

"So what the hell is wrong with yiur doofin' clones? Going cross country to commits crimes against Kris Karter and 1013 Productions?!?" I yelled as loud as one can in cheesy hollywood motel room.

"THEY KILLED OUR DADDY!!!' ANTon & Danny Boye yelped.

"They what?? Now where did you hear that nasty rumor??"

ANTon tried holding back tears. "We...saw... Daddy get shot on the X-Files....and Scully said he'd be OK...and then she said He was......DEAD!!!" Ode'a wrapped an arm around her clone hubby. "And they kept on making him dead!!!" added an upset Danny Boye. Big Bertha just knocked back the remains of a bottle of Jack DOOFials Tennessee whisky.

"Oh. THAT..." I muttered realizing that the white lie we had to tell our clones was now clearly just that-- a lie. "Well...they never did show a body....BUT WAIT!! That's just a character your REAL DAD [plays on TV!! Your Dad is really actor Brenden Beiser!!! And he's very much alive!!!"

"HE's ALIVE!?!?!?!?!?!" cried the three clone excastically. "Yippppppeeeeee!!!! Where is is?!?!? We want to see our Daddy!!!"

I gulped, not knowing how to tell these clones-- the same ones that kicked the Shiban out of Frank Lee Spotnazi and could possible do the same to me-- that Brenden was in Jail because of Their act of revenge. "Welllllll.... let me put it this way... You both look just like him...minus ANTon's sideburns and Danny's goatee... and well, a lot of people saw you two at the `X-Files: the Movie' set...

They both looked as dumbfounded as clones could be, so I had to say it plain as possible. "Your Dad is in Jail because of you guys...."

'WE PUT OUR DEAR OLD DAD IN THE BIGHOUSE?!?!?!?" They both cried. "We've been Baaaaaaaaaaaaad Boys!!!"

Ode'a looked shocked but Big Bertha seemed impressed. "In Jail...kewl...."

"Uh...RJ?" Ode'a looked the most meek I have ever seen her. "We just didn't trash the 1013 Offices, beat up Spotnazi, and trash Karter's house..."

"What did you crazy kids do this time..."

Danny raised his hand. "We...kinda....well...stole their Emmy awards...."

"YOU DID WHAT?????" I bellowed, half out of angery and half out of complete surprise. "WHAT DO MEAN BY THAT???"

ANTon smiled nervously. "Well...Bertha broke us into the Accounting offices of the Disco Accountant who tabulate the votes, and well... took away as many of the X-Files' Emmy awards as we had time to..."

"You mean YOU FOUR RIGGED THE EMMY AWARDS???"

Danny pointed at Ode'a. "She did the actually hacking!! We just thought of doing it!!!"

ANTon looked back at Danny with anger in his eyes. "You little weasal! You were the one having the most fun as we gave the Best Script award to NYPD Lewd!

I was aghast. "Do you mean Karter & Kompany actually WON the Best script, but you took it away???"

YES!" they exclaimed happily.

"What about Best Drama?

"Hey, do think Law & Order would have without us?" ANTon asked back.

"But what about Gillian Anderson winning Best dramatic Actress??" You mean you rigged that one too?

Danny answered this time. "Heck no! She Won fair and Square! And she deserves it even thoiugh she didn't save Daddy...rrrrrrrrrrllllllllllllllll......"

"But what about Duchovny? You rigged that one too?

Ode'a snarled. "Duchovny? That Mo-ho on the fo-ho was in dead last place by about a 500 hundred votes! What would you expect after `The Field Where My Career Died'????"

"Oy...." I exclaimed...

So, we all proceeded to the LA county jail where poor BB was being grilled; well, except for Big Bertha, since she didn't want to turn herself in as she faces about 800 years of prison. Suffice to say, the officers were mighty amazed when ANTon & Danny Boye confess to the savage beating of Spotnazi. Brenden was relieved to be be imediately released, but not so sure seeing 2 exact duplicates of himself throwing themselves and crying on their "Not-dead Daddy". Even Ode'a hugged her "Father-in-Law". It was very touching.

Then the cops and the LA DA preceed to jot down all the details of ANTon & Danny Boye's crime spree. They were very brave clones, ready to move to San Quienton to help "dad". Problem was, that Danny confessed to changing the votes for the Emmy Award. Sudden;y the DA was faced with the possibility of word getting out that Emmy's were easily rigged and that the ensueing mess would make the 1986 MilliVanilli vs The Indigo Girls Grammy doof- up look like a Jay Leno headline typo gag. So, all charges were dropped and ANTon and Danny had to promise never to come back to California ever again. Which means of course, that the Atlanta FireAnts are probably going to lose their 2 away games with the L.A. X-Press.

So, I bring back ANTon, Danny Boye, and Ode'a to LAbvill, where Fee has recovered from her wound. and Danny decided to turn over his Bar duties to Danno and Doofo. So, after we get organized this weeked...WE'RE TAKING THE LABB BACK FROM THE EVIL CLONES!!!

RJ Christen-Ducovny

From fee_b@rocketmail.com
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 10:05:28 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: Re: (LABB) Slightly Less-Bitter...

Labb mice,

this is I, Ares... the God of all Clone Wars... you may bow. Fee mistakenly went to get lunch and I snuck online.

I cannot stay long, the great war is starting up again and I don't watn to be out of hiding for very long.

Upon my freedom, I found a great theme for this... those who would like to hear it, please reply and put it to the attention of Me.

That is all.

Ares
The God of War

From EnragedCat@aol.com
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 18:50:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) It's like, actual *plain* English

But anyway...nothing much is new around genetic icon headquarters. Being handcuffed to Penwyn isn't all that fun, because he tends to try and stab pencils up my nose in some freaky trait he has. He's a pretty good conversationist, though it gets kind of irritating because I supposed to yell out ACK BATS! BATS! at intervals so our conversations are a little convulted.

This morning, since I had to go to school [editor's note: this is where the lines twixt fiction and reality become very very blurred], I pushed him into Debi's cell. From the chit-chat I had with him when I got back it seems he's picked up her ACKing but not the BAT! part of what a good Brian-follower is supposed to do. Because of all the acking and batting all our conversations are a little jittery now and full of those darned exclaimation points! BATS!

Penwyn: Hey EnCat! How was school! Ack!
EnCat: It was okay. Hey, Penwyn, do you know if there is a telephone around her--BATS! BATS!
Penwyn: Ack! Yes! there is! Why?!
EnCat: BATS! BATS! Because it is really weird! At school today! A film guy person! Came to science! Because we're studying the visual spectrum of the lesser frequencies of carbohydrates with furry green feet! Or something! And he gave us a strip of film!
Penwyn: Ack!
EnCat: And guess what?! The film! Was from a tv show!
Penwyn: Harvey?!
EnCat: No! But! It was from! The Monkees! Tv show! Everyone thought it was the Brady Bunch! But I knew! because I got the part of the credits! That listed MICKEY DOLENZ! Ha!
Penwyn: Ack!
EnCat: Should I sell it to Duc?!
Penwyn: Why not!

;)

--EnCat
this e-mail makes no sense! I'm tired!
--Evil LabMou--BATS BATS!

From Pendrella@aol.com
Date: Fri, 19 Sep 1997 23:38:54 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (((LABB)))

::sighs:: It's been quite a day in my cell here. Odie and I have spent quite a bit of time taking turns on the laptop provided us, as you can see.

I've tried to listen to her mutterings as you all so kindly advised, but I can't quite hear. You see **someone** (I won't name names, but he looks great in a tie!) has been rather loudly expounding the virtues of El Mundo Gira *all* *day*....and I can hear him through the wall.........grrrrrrrrrrrrr....

--Trillian/Pendrella

From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 00:03:12 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: (((((LABB))))) *PENDRELL FOLDER IS FULL* on to #7 :D

Yes..here I sit!! I have been trying to play my harmonica but Penwyn is really jerking my chain!! I slapped at him once...but then Carson pelted me with a walnut as I interrupted his *recitings* of 'El Mundo Gira'....I think I'm going to end up liking it!! ::shaking head:::: <smiles at Carson> He is too busy to notice!!

Yes.. & the food is quite horrible because Brian well..he lied to me about the food!! He & Penni assured me they were following *The Geriatric Convention*...uh you mean the *Geneva Convention*? They shook their heads *yes*..(their heads still rattle when they nod or shake them) Ok...& as Trillian just told you in her letter..see!! See!! I told you Carson was going on & on about that doofing show!! But I fear the pellets now that Rose dear let him know about walnuts:::ouch::::<stop it Penwyn..you can write Daddy in a minute::::looks at Penwyn...he is right there you doof..try to interrupt his horrible chatter of that horrid tale> Well..Penwyn looks sad actually!!! I feel sorry for him!! Oh no...here comes EnCat!! Oh..btw..Odie does know all of *Mr B Natural* by heart...honest!!! <g> Meantime....Mai??? Penni has spotted you taking a bath in that hole sooo you might want to jump out & uh...run or something!!! <g> or else be with us!!! Rose?? <EnCat walked on bye..whewww...> Raoul brought all your *huggy* jackets for us..he said you have millions of them!!! He gave me a *purple* one...thanks!!

Ok...EnCat is coming so off................bleep!!^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^!^^^^^^^^

Help us!!

Debi

From AnasaziBB@aol.com
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 00:37:34 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) There is...a house...in New Orleans...they call...the Rising...Sun

Trill: << You see **someone** (I won't name names, but he looks great in a tie!) has been rather loudly expounding the virtues of El Mundo Gira *all* *day*....and I can hear him through the wall.........grrrrrrrrrrrrr.... >>
You know, that's starting to annoy me too, Carson. First you suggest that I figure out that quote for you, and now ... OH PENNI!!! CARSON JUST MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT ENJOYING PEZ!!! AND HE WAS JUST SINGING "LOUIE, LOUIE" BY THE KINGSMEN!!!!

Nyahahahahaaaa. That'll teach you, Carson. Nyahahahaaaa.

Debi: << Ok...now the *Pendrell Folder* is full!! >>
YAY!!! IT'S FULL!!! ::::::Does happy little dance, glances up to see Penni, about to invoke the torture of thirteen dustbusters on Carson for his crimes, and sits down quickly::::::

<< Uhhhhh...uhhhhhh...but...I've been in prison the whole time! So I couldn't be the Avenger! Yeah, that's it! Ask Sami, she'll establish my alibi! ;> >>
Hmmm. I think the dustbuster punishment was enough for the all day El Mundo Giro thing, so sure! He was here! Except for the time he donned a cape and sailed through the bars to save the world from EMG haters! ... Erm ... I wasn't supposed to tell them that, was I? Whoops ...

Sami :)

From EnragedCat@aol.com
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 22:05:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) I don't like that fat guy around

I've permen'tly locked Penwyn away with Debi, because she wanted company and Penwyn kept biting my wrists. It started to hurt after awhile. On the plus side, I've finally been commissioned a uniform. All this while I've been forced to wear normal LABBy clothes, having been barred from kilts and that spangly nonsense. Penni handed me a pair of folded high-water overalls and purple shirt with neon green polka dots today. I have to walk around barefoot, but I get a cool sailor hat to balance everything out.

I've also graduated from papier mache parties to Lincoln logs. Now I spend my time building funky houses and screaming BATS! ever so occasionally.

The people locked up get a rotating time to pace around the headquarters. Today it was Trillian's time. She tried to break loose, but I threw my cool sailor hat at her (it doubles as a frisbee) and she knew there was no way out; she had to just pace about.

"Cat!" She growled. "This isn't fair!"
"Shush, Trill! Fair is fair, and what isn't...isn't...argh...I want ice cream."
"Huh?" She asked, and frowned.
"Hmm. Trillian, why don't you just convert to the Pro-Comos and get over with it. It's so much fun! Think of it! LINCOLN LOGS! Sailor Hats! High-water ove...ack...BATS!BATS!" I danced around frantically for a minute and then resumed my conversation with Trillian. "But, anyway, if that doesn't convince you, Perry Como and Agent Comox...Pendrell's alter-ego...almost the same name! You know what that means, right?"
"Nothing at all."
"Yep." And I returned her to her cell.

See, everything's so *exciting* here! Join! Join the genetic icons! Join join join!

--EnCat

--Evil LabMouse in a weird mood..yikes!

From Pendrella@aol.com
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 22:57:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: {{{LABB}}} Deleters will be prosectuted

Greetings, LABB! I'm glad to see we've all settled down a bit...not that we have much choice in this terrible cell..

EnCat: <<"Nothing at all."
"Yep." And I returned her to her cell.>>

Hee hee...what EnCat doesn't realize is that while I was pacing and she got momentarily distracted ("Hey, look! Elvis!") I found ice cream in the Genetic Icon freezer! (Next to several suspicious looking vials....hmmm) Ben & Jerry's for all prisoners! ::passes out pints of ice cream to Debi, Sami, Odie, Penwyn, everyone else in the cells, and even Carson (with his mouth full he can't talk about El Mundo Gira!):: ;)

--Trillian/Pendrella

From AnasaziBB@aol.com
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 22:27:55 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: <------ Writing a LABB letter at the moment <g>

Well, while EnCat was busy with her *confusing* conversation with Trill, I quickly and frantically on the *key* to getting us out of here. Shhhh, don't tell anyone. (I'm rebuilding a new, bigger, better WIB gun to blast us out of here.) Especially, don't tell the clones! Or EnCat. Thank you. :) I can only work on it a few minutes a day, which is the only amount of time that no one is watching us. SHHHHH!!

Sami :)

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Sat, 20 Sep 1997 00:11:47 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Girded In Zebra-striped Zippers, Ian Enters

We've spent a languid day in the cells today. EnCat clanked around with Penwyn for a while, then threw him back in the cell with Debi after she got sick of all the "Ack!"s. The two of them conspired together and decided that they should really irritate our guards and maybe they'd let us free, so Debi and Penwyn started belting out the LABB song, as written by Crey. It got us nowhere...EnCat just stuck in Lincoln and started playing "You'll Miss Me" and "Lie Still, Little Bottle" at top decibels until I finally cracked and pleaded with Debi, Penwyn, and (by then) Odie and Trill to quit singing.

Then, around early evening, Sami hit upon an idea. EnCat had gone off for dinner, to be replaced by Hugh and Ian, and they were practicing the clone chant. Well, actually, I should back up a bit...

HUGH and IAN: We are clones, hear us roar! Smack the bats unto the floor! Make the elves stop...uh...
IAN: What came after that again?
HUGH: Elves...hmmm...elves help Santa Claus.
IAN: "Make the elves stop helping Santa Claus"? No, no, that can't be right..."Claus" doesn't rhyme with "Brains"...
ME: [looking through the bars] Hugh? Aren't you supposed to be with Janet? She said you've been at home lately.
HUGH: [distracted now] Huh? Oh - I just slip out when she's not looking. Usually after she goes to bed. Janet sleeps very soundly, you know.
ME: But, wait, it can't be seven pm yet. Janet's already asleep?
HUGH: No, she's at a band concert. Now will you *please* let us finish?
ME: Okay, okay...
HUGH: Now where were we?
IAN: Something that rhymes with "brains". Stains?
HUGH: "Make the elves stop making stains"? That doesn't sound right either. Too many "make"s.
IAN: I know, I know! Planes! Make the elves stop stealing planes!
HUGH: Oh yeah!
HUGH and IAN: We are clones, hear us roar! Smack the bats unto the floor! Make the elves stop stealing planes! Hail CC and the Best Brains! Yaaaay!

And they said it and said it and said it and said it for half an hour. Then...

SAMI: [lightbulb coming on] Best Brains! Hey, you pitiful Brendan wannabes!
IAN: Is she talking to *us*?
SAMI: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Get over here!
HUGH: We don't have to. You can't make us do any-
SAMI: *Get over here NOW!*

Hugh and Ian scampered over.

SAMI: Right. Okay. You may not know this, but *I* hail Best Brains too. *I* have seen the episode with Santa Claus and the Martians, and I *liked* it!
HUGH: So what? That's just one episode.
SAMI: *And* I saw the movie! It was *great*! So there!
IAN: *scratching his head* Well, you're just one person...
ME: Ian, what're you talking about? You've seen me watch it tons of times! "Pick your refrigerator, Lupita!" "When riding with Death, be sure to wear your seatbelt." "Hmmm...do I need accessories?"
IAN: *guffawing* Oh! Yeah! Those were great! - er...I mean, what do *you* know about it?
SAMI: Plenty! What's so special about hailing Best Brains? So do we!

Debi, Penwyn, Odie and Trill echoed this.

TRILL: Hey, is there anything about symbionts in that clone chant?
DEBI: Ack!
PENWYN: Ack ack!!!
ODIE: You'll get glass beakers when I *say* you'll get glass beakers!

Ian and Hugh considered this.

HUGH: Okay. We'll let you out *if* you swear your undying allegiance to Chris Carter.
ME: *clapping my hands over my ears* Bad word! Bad word!
SAMI: You asteriskize that right now, young man!
PENWYN: Ack!
HUGH: Uh-huh. Good try. Better luck next time.
SAMI: Shucks, and we were so close!
IAN: BATS!!! BATS!!!

Well, we tried!

Carson Maynard :>

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 1997 00:10:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Boiled Eggs Taste Horrible

Sami:
> You know, that's starting to annoy me too, Carson. First you suggest
> that I figure out that quote for you, and now ... OH PENNI!!! CARSON
> JUST MENTIONED SOMETHING ABOUT ENJOYING PEZ!!! AND HE WAS JUST SINGING
> "LOUIE, LOUIE" BY THE KINGSMEN!!!!

Yipes! Penni, honey, no! I don't even like that song! At all! No no no, take that extremely complex microlithography away from my - OW! OW! Hey! OW! One clone, two dustbusters, trouble! OW!!!

[eating the ice cream Trill passed out]

Carson "mmmph mmm hmmm chupacabra hmmm mmmph!" Maynard :>

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Sun, 21 Sep 1997 23:40:30 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) RJ's Clone Wars Chapter.

Well, after the big too-doo in Cali with ANTon, O. Danny Boye, Ode'a, and Big Bertha making life sheer heck for the folks at 1013, it was time to come back. Actually the following is what got us to come back. After getting the REAL Brendon Beiser out of jail, I got an urgent phone call from The Doof Beverage hanger at John Wayne Airport....

RJ: "Hello, RJ here."
Danno: "uh, hello mr RJ? This is Danno!"
RJ: "Danno! What are you doing calling LONG DISTANCE?"
Danno: "Uh, I'm not MR RJ. I'm calling from the Doof Beverage Inc Hanger at the John Wayne airport."
RJ: "WHAT THE DOOF ARE YOU DOING HERE IN LA?? you're suppose to be protecting Fee, not to mention digging that rescue to hole to Odie & Debi."
Danno: "Uh, we kinda got....well...bushwacked."
RJ: "WHAT???"
Danno: "Well, Ares was defending the Bar celler door when someone knocked at teh door and said they were some chick named Xena, and ares just opened the door, and in burst that weirdo Penni chick."
RJ: "Oh no.... what happened then?
Danno: "Well, Ares got hit in the head with pieces of really hard cheese, and Hades tried to fight them off but got hit witha weirdo ray thingie, and Fee got grabbed, and me and Doof just pretented we were their prisoners and were heading back to Clone Corral, when we jumped on teh Doof Beverage Delivery truck and got to the Labville airport.. and well here we are."
RJ: "Good Lord... now Ares and Hades have probably been brianwashed into King Brian's evil clutches."
Danno: "Sure looks like that."
RJ: "Well, I guess it's up to you, Doofo, ANton, Danny Boye, and Ode'a to rescue the LABB from King Brian."
Danno: "Uh, he's now calling himself Emperor Brian now..."
RJ: "Right. Fine. Whatever."
Danno: "But how are we going to save the LABB people. Half of them have been taken prisoner?"
RJ: "I have a plan...."

So, ANTon, Danny Boye, Ode'a and I headed down to the Airport to meet Danno & Doofo. BUT...Doof Beverage was no longer serving Labvill due to teh reign of terror conducted by Emperor Brian and Pez-Hating Perry Como fans. (That right, folks... NO MORE DOOF DELIVERIES until this plot is over!) So, ANTon, having taken piloting lesson decided that he would fly the plane back. So there we were...flying the Doof Beverage Corporate jet (Which I had Christened "The Delectible Ducy") back to Labvill when things got weird right off the bat. First the LAPD decided to press some sort of charge against ANton (not paying teh motel bill) and rushed over a dozen squadcars to the airport, so we have to take off with permission, in a hail of gunfire. The trip was Ok, except for a strange feeling I had in my gut...and I'm not talking the cheeseburger I had that afternoon. So, as we approach Labbvill....

ANTon: "Well, we're approaching Labbvill International Airport..we're dropping down from cruising altitude."

Suddenly (!), the Delectable Ducy is amidst a cloud of stinky burnt cheese smoke and being battered by loud thumping noises as we were thrown about!

ANTon: What the doof....
Ode'a (in co-pilot chair): Grrrrrr!!
RJ: What is it? A thunderstorm?
ANTon: Hey! We're being hit by falling chunks of cheese!
Ode'a: Aaaaaaaagh!
Danny Boye: Holy Chedder! Where's Labville?
ANTon: The radars not showing a thing! It ain't there anymore!
Danny Boye: Where did it go?
ANTon: It must have been destroyed by a tornado or something..."
RJ: It was Destroyed...by Evil CLone Emperor Brian....
ANTon: "Doof No! The ProPerry Como Clones don't that kind of firepower!"
Danny Boye: "Hey look! A police Helicoper! It must have followed us!"
Ode'a: "Arrrrrgh!"
ANton: I'll jam his radio! Then shot him down!
RJ: Wait...that' a short-ranged helocopter. It must be from the Labville PD..."
Danno: "He's getting Away!"
Ode'a: "Grrrrr!"
ANTon: "Not for long he is..."
Danny Boye: Look! He's heading for that large yellowish cloud!"
RJ: "That's no cloud..it's an airborne battle station..."
ANTon: No doofin' way...it's too big to be a... battle... station...?
Danny: "I have a Bad Feeling about this...."
RJ: "I suggest we turn around...quickly..."
ANTon: "Yea...I think you're right, RJ... Ode'a! Full up on the flaps, crank in the afterburners..."

THUMP THUMP THUMP. The Delectable Ducy's engines suddenly started straining and the plane begane to buffet!!! A Yellow Warning Light came on.

Yellow Warning Light: AAAK! AAAK!! AAAK! AAAK!!
Doofo: "Dyyyyyaaaaaa, why is we still going to-wards it?"
Danno: "AAAH! What's that!"
Ode'a: "Grrrr!!!"
ANTon: "We're caught in tractor beam! Ode'a...Full Auxillery Power!!! Punch it!"
Ode'a : "AAAAAARRRRGH!!!!!"
Danny: "Oh No! We can't break loose! Just like that airliner in that really bad XF ep! We're gonna die!"
ANTon: "Well, they're not taking me without a fight! ::grabs hockey stick and clenches teeth::
RJ: "We can't win this fight...but there are always alternatives to fighting..."

So...the "Delectable Ducy" was dragged toward the Yellow Clud which we soon saw to our horror was a GIANT FLOATING BATTLE STATION MADE OUT OF CHEESE WITH THE FACE OF PERRY COMO ON THE SIDE!! We redid my plan rather quickly. Meanwhile, inside the Cheese Cloud...

Dweezil: Uh, Lady Penni of the Sith?"
Penni: "Yes (weeeeeze) General Dweezil. What causes you to disturb my listening to sacred tone of (weeeeeeze) Perry Como?
Dweezil: We have intercepted a commuter jet that blasted it's way out of John Wayne airport only hours ago. We suspect it may be Doof Beverage Executives trying to deliver delicious Doof Beverage products to the Pez-Lovers of the LABB. The log indictates the crew bailed out somewhere over Flagstaff.
Penni: I want the craft (weeeeeze) searched. I have a feeling (weeeeeze) that I have not felt since.... ::abruptly leaves as if a John Shiban episode came on TV::

Meanwhile, in the Hanger bay of the Cheese Cloud--- A couple of Third generation Clones in Silver tank tops and plaid kilts stand guard over the "Delectable Ducy"...

Danno: It's a Good thing this jet ones equipped with this nifty secret compartments..." ::popping up from hidden compartment::
ANTon: "They used them for shipping Doof east of the Mississippi back in the seventies...like the movie "Smokey and the Bandit". I never thought that I be smuggling myself..." ::popping out of another hidden compartment::
Danny Boye: "But how do we get out with that tractor beam on?" ::ditto::
RJ: "You leave that to me" ::ditto again::
ANTon: "RJ, you're a crazy old Doof!"
RJ: "Who's the bigger Doof, the Doof, or he who follows the Doof?"
Od'ea: "RRRRRRRRRwwwwwwwwwll!" ::dragging ANTon back into their hidden compartment::

The 3rdGen Clone Guards let a scanning crew go in with a Craftsman-brand Shop Vac to clean up. :::THUNK!!! THUNKKK!!!:::

Voice: ::Hey you guys! Give a hand, willyah?"
The guards go in.... :::Ka-Whap! Ka-Whap!!::

Meawhile, up in a control Tower, the turncoat Clone Cy bellows into a radio while 4 other 3rd gen clones stand stupidly by.

Cy: "Dweezil's twin Mk2! Dweezil's Twin Mk2!! Why are you not responding!
A lone Clone in Tank Top and Kilts comes out jiggling his walkman and shrugging stupidly.
Cy: Doofit! We have a bad radio. I'm going to check it out!"

But as Cy Opens the door, ANTon rollerblades in, bodychecks Cy into the wall, and whacks him in the crotch. The 4 3rdgen Clones stand to attack with their dustbuster, but Danno and Danno hit them with thrown Doof bottles. RJ, Ode'a, And Doofo then stroll in.

Ode'a: "YAAAAAAAAHHHOOOOOOOO!!!!!!"
Danno: Cheezus! Between Anton's rollerblading and Ode'a Screaming, I don't know why teh whole station doesn't know we're here!"
ANTon: "Bring 'em on!! I prefer a straight fight!"
Danny Boye: "When did we start considering Penni Straight?"
RJ: Quick! Ode'a log onto the station computer systm and locate the Tractor beam. I'll sneak down, turn it off, and we can leave!"
Doofo: Dyyyaaaaaaaa, but we's just gots here?"

Ode'a sits down, and attempts to access the station computer system. After 4 busy signels,3 carrier failed to connect, and 1 2 minute long ringing, she succeeds!

Computer: "Welcome! You Got Mail! Would you like to download the latest micro-soft explorer browser? Now loading New art."

Danny Boye: "There it is! Level 42! Good Luck RJ"
RJ: "Ah'll bee bahck. (ooops wrong movie)
ANTon: Yeah, great, w'll just sit here and let you have all the fun!!"

Moments later....

Od'ea: "Hey!! Hey!! Lookit here!"
Anton, Danny Boye, Danno: "What? What?"
Doofo: "Dyyyyyaaaaa, what? Dyyyyyaaaa what?"
Ode'a: I found Fee! And Odie! And Abree! and a bunch of other capter LABB Members! They're locked up in the Detention Center!"
Danno: "Oh No! they schedule to be Martinized this evening! Right before Small Potatoes reairs!!"
ANTon: "So?"
Danno: "So...we have to rescue them!"
ANTon: "Sorry, that wasn't in RJ's plan.I'm sure HE'D comeup up with a nifty rescue plan, but I'm staying put!"
Doofo: "But Dyyyyyaaaa, youse said youse was a' looking fer a fight!"
ANTon: "Rollerbalding right into the Denention Center is not my kind of fight. Not exactly home rink advantage, is it?"
Danno: "But we have to rescue Fee and the others!"
ANTon: "More Doof for RJ & Ducovny..."
Doofo: "Dyyyyyaaa...dey's bee-utiful!"
ANTOn: "Sorry, I have Ode'a here..."
Danny: "They're RICH...
ANTon: "So's Draft Doof Red..."
Danno: "You know, if Emperor Brian wins, Perry Como will be played at all the Roller Hockey games instead of surf music..."
ANTon: "Let's go kick some Clone Butt...."
Ode'a: "Yipppppeeee!!"
Doofo: But dyyyyyaaaaa, how's we's goona do it..."
Danno: "I know...Ode'a will put these handcuffs on..."
Ode'a: "Not with you, pipsqueek!!!!"
Danny Boye: Ok...ANTon...you put the cuffs on Ode'a..."
Ode'a: "WOO-WOO!!!"
ANTon: "Sorry, sweetie, but I think he's refering to something else..."

HOLY POKEEPSIE! Will ANTon, Danny boye, Danno, Doofo, and Ode'a be able to rescue all the captured LABB members from the evil clutches of Emperor Brian and Lady Penni of the Sith??
Will RJ be able to turn off the tractor Beam?
Will Lucasfilm sue RJ's butt off for this story??

Tune in next time!!!

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 18:46:09 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: {LABB} RJ's Clone Tale Continues

RJ slowly crept past the 4 3rd Generation Clone Guards. **This is Madness! The 1st Generation clones were all mentally disturbed opposites of the Donor...what will these be like?** he thought.

Meanwhile, clad in their Evil Clone Kilts and tanktops, ANTon, Danny Boye led the handcuffed and fairly disappointed Ode'a down to the Detention Center of the Cheese Cloud, which it was soon discovered was equipped with a Deadly Limburger Cheese Death Beam that Emperor Brian was planning to conquer the world with (since Mel Brooks successfully sued over Penni & Brian's planned use of an orbital Super Secret Space Dustbuster).

Danny Boye: Cheezus! I hate being seen in this gawd-awful pink and orange kilt!
Ode'a: "Oh, and your Hawaiian shirts are the highpoint of fashion I suppose? ::still clad in her white miniskirt, white lace blouse, and white highheeled booties::
ANTon: I still can't believe I'm doing this... Danno, you and Doofo stay here and make sure the "Delectable Ducy" is ready for take off...if RJ can turn off the tractor beam...or else we're going to be wearing these ridiculous costumes for a long time."
Danno: "Uh pardon me...but what do we do if more Kilted Clones show up?
Doofo: "Dyyyyyyyyaaaaaa, yeah Mr Anton, what do me and Danno do if deys show up again?"
Danny Boye: "Lock the Door?"
ANTon: "And hope their Dust Busters aren't set on Full Suck..."

MEanwhile.... RJ snuck past all the Clone guards thanks to his high sneak skill he used avoiding Ducovny's Dad at the AOL Gathering last July. At Level 42, he found the Main Tractor Beam Power Coupling, guarded by 4 3rdGen Clones of Sherman. A quick toss of a dime distracted them ("ooh! Candice Bergan must be nearby! they squealed) and RJ made his way over the connecting bridge over the 200ft chasm of the Power shaft. The Security system consisted of 3 Signs reading, `DO NOT TOUCH! REALLY! WE MEAN IT!' and of placing the OFF switch 9 feet about the decking. RJ merely lifted his shilleigh and turned off the power. But Unfortunately, the Clone Guards saw him! "Pez-Lover! He's trying to Turn off the Tractor Beam!" they screeched. RJ turned, waved his arms and shouted "Come and Get me!". But Unfortunately for the clones, they were too stupid to remember about the bridge and all four plunged into the Power Shaft. "Clones..Gets 'em every time...." RJ remarked.

MEANWHILE...
Ian Mk1 was quietly overseeing his Mk3 Clone Guards when he turned and saw 2 facial haired clones in Kilts and tanktops escorting Odie into his Detention Center. "What Doof is Going On here?" he asked inquisitively.

The Clone with the Sideburns and Hockey Stick calmly replied. "Prisoner Transfer from Cell THX1138, sir. It's the Nasty Pez-Loving, Perry hater OdiePal."

"Prisoner transfer?" Ian Mk1 asked even more inquisitively. "But we only have ONE Detention Center and we're in it!"

As the Mk3 Clone Guards drew closer, the Clone with the Goatee nervously replied back, "Uh, she was caught trying to escape through the airducts...sir?"

Ian panically turned to look down the hallway of cells. "She escape through the airducts! On No!" Suddenly he turned around. "Wait a minute! Lady Penni of the Sith ordered that the ventilation shafts be no bigger then a Peruvian cat! What's going on here??"

Suddenly ANTon yelled "Look Out! She's Loose!" to which a very surprised Ode'a cried "Oh! My Cue!!!" and then leapt up on the control board, spun and kicked Ian in the head, throwing him back into a stack of Whiffle Bats, just like her hero Buffy the Vampire Slayer would have done. The Mk3 Clone Guards rushed forward, but ANTon rollerbladed around them and whacked each one on the noggin with his hockey stick. Danny Boye belted the one racing down the hallway with an empty Doof bottle, but it sickingly stuck in the poor 3rd Generation clone's head, killing him instantly. Danny Boye was dumbstruck. "I...I...I...killed him! I killed a fellow clone!" Ode'a looked at the stack of guards ANTon whacked. "Holy 2minute Penalty! Their necks are snapped clean in half!" ANTon poked at the bodies. "What the...they're all soft and mushy! No wonder we killed 'em!" Suddenly, Ian got back up and charged the group with a swinging whiffle bat. Ode'a did a backflip over Ian and caught him upside the head with her cuffed fists. ANTon raced over to the control panel. "Here they are! Cells #10 and 13!! Go get them out!" Just then, the control speaker phone snapped on.

"Detention Center! This Clone Murdoch Mk1! What the Pez is going on down there! We're trying to sleep up on the next floor!"

ANTon stammered a bit. "Uh, nothing...nothing. Everything is OK. Minor...Dustbuster back-fire that's all. Everything's A Ok...uh, How are you? Over."

The speaker crackled. "Dust Buster back-fire? What that's? I'm sending a detachment down there..."

"Uh, no...no can do..uh... We have a Limburger leak..really smelly. Don't come down, uh please?"

The speaker crackled. "Who is this? What's your Clone designation? I'm coming down there my..."

ANTon stammered some more and then smashed the speaker phone with his stick. "It was a stupid Chat anyway....Ode'a, Danny... Hurry Up! We're expecting company!"

Ode'a opened the first cell (#10), and huffingly remarked when she saw OdiePal. "Oh...Hi...Mom. What are YOU in for?" Odie thought of a cute remark, but Abree, Debi, Mai, Jon & CiCi bolted for the door. On the other side of the hallway, Danny Boye opened door #13, and saw the blinking figure of Fee, waking up from the darkness of her cell.

DannyBoye: "Uh...Hi Fee! Uh...what'll you have?"
Fee: Aren't you a little hairy for a PerryTrooper?"
DannyBoye: "Huh? Oh! the Costume!" ::ripping off orange and pink kilt to reveal flowery athletic shorts:: It's me, Danny Boye! We're here to rescue you!"
Fee: "RJ's here? Where is he! Lets go!!"

The Rescuers and Rescue all piled into the hall, only to discover ANTon was firing off a slapshot succession of captured dustbusters at the gaggle of Murdoch and his detachment of Mk3 Clone guards, now pouring into the detention Center.

Odie: "Doofit! Great rescue! You manage to cut off our only way of escape!"
ANTOn: Maybe you'd like it back in your cell, your BeakerKeepership! I had everything under control a second ago!"
Abree: "More like a Third now!"
Jon: "I'll forth it!"
DannyBoye: AAK! I'm almost out of empty Doof bottles!" ::flinging empty Doof Bottle at Murdoch::
CiCi: "Where's RJ? Off making out with Ducovny?"
ANTon: He's off disabling the Tractor Beam!"
Jon: "You all came to rescue us on a Tractor?"
Abree: Oh No! There's more coming!"
Fee: We're Doomed! RJ, where are you??"

RJ at that time was slinking down a darkened corridor, having turned off the Tractor beam, avoiding more gaggles of Mk3 Clone PerryTroopers. He turned a corner and discovered... A GIANT CLONE CLONING CENTER!!! There were dozens of chambers each with new 3rd generation clones incubating inside! RJ shuddered at the thought of a army of tens of thousands Brenden Beisers let loose on an unsuspecting world. With an easy escape just seconds away, RJ knew what he had do....

....And in the Control room, Danno & Doofo were explaining to Fulmina how Mean old RJ had beat the snot out of Cy for his starring in the {{really good}} dream Ducovny had a month or so ago, and how he was off to beat the shiban out of Lady Penni and Emperor Brian, and that they were going back to finished scanning the "Delectable Ducy" for nasty Pez and Surf music records. Fulmina let them go as he tended to the knocked out Cy....

Meanwhile, back in the Detention Center, the PerryTroopers were drawing closer, even with their heavy loses from Anton's dustbuster slapshots and Danny Boye's (ooops! last one!) thrown Doof Bottles. Suddenly, Abree shouted, "Hey! Is that the Garbage Disposal Chute?" to which Mai said "Yes! I saw Clones toss down big bundles in it!". CiCi buried her head in hands and cried "But it's locked!" But suddenly Ode'a jumped up, grabbed a pipe and swung her high heeled booties at the hatch and broke it open!

Jon: "Woo-Woo! Just like Buffy the Vampire Slayer!"
Ode'a: "Damn! I broke a heel on that!" ::flings bootie at PerryTroopers::
Abree: Quick! Everybody in!"

CiCi, Fee, Mai, and Jon all bolted in, followed by Ode'a. Danny Boye flung her other bootie and went for the hatch, but stopped in disgust. "WHOOOOOOA!!! It Smells like Doof Biohazardous Waste down there!"

ANTon grabbed him and pushed him towards the hatch. "I don't care what you smell....get in!!", whacking him on the butt with the hockey stick, flinging Den Boye down the hatch. And with one last whack of a dustbuster with his stick, ANTon flung himself in as well with a whooping "Yaaahhoooooooooooooooooooo"....

At the same time, RJ had disconnected the power supply for the Giant Clone Cloning Center and reached for the "System Flush" handle. A giant "SWWOOOOOOSH" signalled the disposal of the embriotic fluids and partial Pendrells which quickly formed the world's biggest piece of "Blue Ice", which crushed Emperor Brian's nearly finished Cheese Palace.....

...While Poor Danno and Doofo sat waiting in the "Delectable Ducy".
"Dyyyyyaaaaa, when's RJ and dem getting back Danno?" Doofo asked for the 140th time. Danno just sat reading the "How to Fly" manual.

After a tumbling slide down the chute, ANTon suddenly found himself flying into a gigantic pile of soft material. Silky Soft material. Silky STINKY Soft material. Several hands grabbed him; and soon he was gasping for breath alongside the rest of the LABB party, all holding their noses.

ANTon: "What the :cough: is this place?
Odie: It's not the :gasp: garbage chute..."
Abree: "It's the ::wheeze:: Hamper for Poo-Poo Undies!!"
CiCi: "Zillions of ::cough:: soiled silk panties..
Fee: "....that what all those doofing Clone Rebels...wear..under their ::hack:: Kilts!
Jon: "I think...I'm going...to...faint..."
Danny Boye: "I told you it smelled bad..."
CiCi: "Aren't those 3rd generation clones toilet trained?"
Odie: "Please...no one light a match..."
Abree: "I'll never go a week without doing my laundry now..."
Fee: " At least there's no Ukrainian Flukemen in here with us or I'd really get ill...."
Ode'a: "Uh, ANTon Sweetie....how do you spell "MARTINIZER"??
ANTon: "Just like it does on the...WALL??"

ALL: "OH NO!! WE'RE GOING TO BE DRY CLEANED TO DEATH!!

GASP!!!! How will Our Trapped LABB heros and heroines get out of this one??
Will RJ be able to rescue the Rescuers! How did Brian get a hold of a Giant Clone Cloning System? Will Danno learn how to fly the "Delectable Ducy" and escape with just Doofo? Where is Ducovny and her Musical Monkee Clones in all this?

TUNE IN TOMORROW!!!

(unless some else writes the conclusion tonight at 3am)

RJ, Labb Parody Prince

From Peter@bowyer.demon.co.uk
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 21:56:36 +0100
Subject: {LABB} - it's not just AOLHELLERS that have problems...

Will - mon clone - seems to have given up on getting people back from the dead (thank God), so my house once again smells q. normal. In fact he's actually becoming... dare I say it quite.... ( normal )...I expect it's just a lapse. But, he made me a peanut butter toastie yesterday and It was gorgeous, AND he dusted my room ce matin. He even wore a GREY top today (in contrast to the black he's worn since I picked him up - hmm, "picked him up" soundds kinda dodgy doesn't it?). And when he's been helping me he's had on this quite jolly music, now who did he say it was....errr... Per - no...err...Cherry Pomo...I think that's it. It's not bad, I might have a look for an album next time I'm in HMV.

~Anna

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Mon, 22 Sep 1997 21:08:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Hiya, Queen Thud!!!

There was a little trouble in the detention area today. EnCat was taking Debi out for her weekly ramble, and while they were circling the little room, Tiger came in and wandered over to the refrigerator. He opened it.

TIGER: Heeeeey...whoo tuk my eyes creem?
DEBI: Eyes cream? Yuck!
ENCAT: That's as disgusting as Pez!
TIGER: Nooooo...my *eyes creem*! Yoo no, millk nad shuger nad choklut...
ENCAT: Oh, *ice cream*!
TIGER: Yeah.
ENCAT: Well, I didn't. Who wants ice cream when you can have Yoo-Hoo?
TIGER: Debbiey, wuz it *yoo*?
DEBI: Ack! No!
TIGER: I no! It wuz Smi!!!

[So Tiger stomped over to our cell and looked through the window in the door.]

TIGER: Were iz Smi? Oh! I se hur! Smi! Did yoo eet my eyes creem?
SAMI: Uhhhhhhhhh...no.
TIGER: [narrowing his eyes] Karrsun?
ME: Me? Eat *your* ice cream? I'd never! Besides, I've eaten so many cashews today, I couldn't possibly have...uh...that is to say, the gruel here is just so delicious, I'm sure I couldn't have eaten anything else.
SAMI: What are you talking about? You hate the gruel!
ME: Shhhh!
SAMI: Oh. Right. Yeah, love that gruel! Mmm-mmm! Especially when it's got P - peanuts. In it.

[Tiger finally left, giving us another suspicious look]

TIGER: I wanna no were iz my eyes creem!
ENCAT: Tiger, be quiet. I'll buy you some more tonight.
TIGER: Okey.

[Tiger stalked out]

ENCAT: Okay, fess up! Who ate the ice cream? If you don't tell me, I'll make you all eat - BATS!!! BATS!!! - uh, that is, Pez. And if you're good little prisoners and you admit it, I'll read you part of Socks tonight. I mean, the Beverly Cleary novel. Not one of CiCi's fanfics.
ABREE: No! I want the fanfic!
ME: Ack! Beverly Cleary, *please*!
ENCAT: Well then, tell me!

[No-one said anything]

ENCAT: Uh-huh. I can see it's going to be a Pez night!
PENWYN: Oh goody! Er, that is, oh good gracious! Not Pez!
ENCAT: Yes! Bwahahahaha! I'll be right back...I need a Yoo-Hoo fix before I administer the punishment.

[EnCat shoved Debi in her cell and then went back to her quarters. She was gone a long time - I'm not sure why - and then we heard a really loud noise, like a clone army or something. Sami and I huddled in our respective corners while doors opened and slammed and voices were shouting, until it passed. Afterwards, Sami peeked out the door and gasped.]

SAMI: *gasp!*
ME: What is it? Did they get Debi and Trill and Abree and Odie and Penwyn?
PENWYN: [groggily] Huh? What?
SAMI: Yeah, they did! All the other cell doors are open!
ME: Penwyn, are you okay?
PENWYN: Yeah, I just woke up. I dreamed that Dad and I went bat-hunting together. We both had on these bright floral outfits, and we were trying to hit the bats with Pez dispensers and Perry Como CDs...
ME: Great dream. So what happened out there?
PENWYN: [venturing out of his cell] Nobody's here...
ME: Didn't you hear that racket?
PENWYN: No, I was asleep - uh-oh!
SAMI: Uh-oh?...uh-oh!
ME: What? What?
ENCAT: [having returned] What are you doing out of your cell, Penwyn?! And who opened these doors?!?!? AAAAAAAH!

[EnCat shoved Penwyn back in his cell and locked the door]

ENCAT: I must report to King Brian!

And so she left. Things have been really quiet around here since the others vanished...I wonder what happened to them?

Carson Maynard :>