From AbreeBB@aol.com
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 04:26:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) What happened to the day ball?

Hello LabMice (and certain LabRats <wink wink nudge nudge>)! Let me just say one thing -

If CiCi says "Nah, you don't need a parachute, the plane's close enough to the groud for an easy landing" DON'T LISTEN TO HER!! One minute I'm enjoying fine Doof drinks, the next I'm plummeting to the earth like a boulder in a Roadrunner cartoon. Then, on the cab ride back, my driver INSISTED on talking about Veronica's Closet the entire way back to BurntToACrispVille. I mean, how many times can one man say "Ya know, Kirstie Alley is HOT! Hot, yaknowhatImean? HOT!" I'm estimating about thirty thousand, judging from my own personal experience.

Then I get back and I find Jay-Jay tied to an "Invisible tetherball pole" and listening to an audio tape of "Beezus and Ramona" (for those interested, Beezus is Ramona's older sister, who, in earlier times, once represented Martha Stewart, but now is more symbolic of the Spice Girls). Jay-Jay admitted that he had almost taken the oath, but he didn't like the silver tank tops and they ordered him to be sentenced to a four-year Ramona marathon. The poor boy can recite "Ramona Forever" flawlessly...

So after I released Jay-Jay and made him take a nap, I went to see how much mail was piled up. Honestly, you people, if those Publisher's Clearing House people are correct, we're ALL going to be rich!

And now, on to....<Jaws theme> the replies!

Sami:
NOOOO! Evil One! Evil One! How could you <sniff> turn against us?? How could you rebuff the Pez and embrace the Perry???

If it takes a blow to the head ta snap you out of it, I'll do it! ;)

All right. Time for sleepy sleepy sleepy-bye....<curls into a ball next to Jay-Jay and begins to snore>

~Abree~
(Oh, and if any of you for any reason would want to overthrow Brian by sending him into horrible, horrible pain, try dousing your entire body in black paint and waving your arms menacingly. Really. Trust me on this one.)

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Tue, 30 Sep 1997 23:27:39 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Mindless Babbling on the End of September

Well, scant hours before Sami "defected to the Evil Clones side" (what IS Penni and Brian calling their new regime??), I had a great idea of how I MIGHT have rescued her and Carson (Yes, Trillian was rescued already) since ANTon and company sort of "missed their names" in the Death Cheese detention center. We need a list of Prisoners!! The following is an ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE Version of said "rescue".....

Carson and Sami sat in their darkened cell, staring at their empty gruel bowls up against the door. Suddenly, a loud racket was heard outside in the detention center hallway. Unknown yelling and sounds of violence filtered through the thick cheese door. The noise stopped. Muffled voiced followed. Sami thought it sounded like a breakout, but Carson sighed about no one escaping the Death Cheese. An hour later, the Door opened up and Ian Mk1, along with 4 3rdGen Clone PerryTroopers, threw in a body wrapped in a trenchcoat. "Some company for you Pez-Eating Perry Haters!" Ian snarled.

Sami crawled over to the body, Carson scrambling to get some water and his secret cache of Willy Wonka chocolate bars for the new prisoner. Sami turned over the motionless body and gasped, "GASP! It's RJ!! They captured RJ!"

"Oh no!" replied a horrified Carson. "If they could get him, no one is safe anymore!"

"You don't suppose ANTon or DannyBoye defected and turned RJ in, do you?" asked Sami, who elevated his legs with the gruel bowls Carson shrugged as he lifted RJ's head and began dripping water into unconscious RJ's mouth.

As Carson slowly dripped the water into RJ's mouth, he looked at the attire of the LABB Bartender. "Holy 70's! What is RJ doing wearing purple cordoroy pants and a purple and white verticle striped shirt under his trenchcoat?"

Sami also finally notice. "Ugh! Right out of the Brady Bunch! Maybe it's part of a costume...something to fool the clones?"

RJ suddenly began hacking on the water going down his throat and his eyes fluttered open. "RJ! Are you alright?" said Carson.

The bespecticled eyes of RJ open and he smiled wide. "Well, hello Male Nurthe!!!!!" He looked up at how Carson was holding him. "I'm jutht PEEEECHY Keen now!"

Carson was taken a bit aback. "Uh, RJ, uh, are you...alright?"

"I've never been in thucth good handth before!" came the eager reply.

Sami scooted up. "RJ! How did they capture you?" she said just as eagerly.

RJ suddenly looked very disappointed at Sami and then turned to Carson. "Oh, poo! We're not alone, Are we.....Carthon?" he said as his eyes fluttered at him.

Carson slowly let go of the now awaken RJ and began scooting back to the wall. "Uh, RJ...I think you may have suffered..some sort of...head...trauma..."

{Innuendo Deleted} said RJ, smiling wickedly at Carson.

"RJ! What happened! You're acting so, so... weird!" cried Sami. "Why are you looking at Carson like that?"

"Becauth he'th thoooooooo Good Looking!!" RJ squeaked as he wriggled his hands togather.

"AAAAAH!" cried Carson realizing just what RJ was insinuating. "RJ! No! Not you, too!"

Sami was horrified. "But...but...but RJ! What about your sweet-heart Ducovny?!?"

RJ wafted his hand through his hair. "Duchovny? Well, he ith rather Cute, and ooooo! That THEXY Voice...but he'th thoooo Thcrawny! Now that GORGEOUS HUNK of a HE-MAN MITCH PILEGGI!!! OOOOOOOOOOOO! I'd juth LOVE to rub my handth all OVER hith rippling, thculpted chest and down in hith {innuendo deleted}!!! OOOOOOO!!"

Sami sat stunned at what she heard, while poor Carson was scrampling for the opposite wall, fearfully of what the now rather "alternative" RJ might do. Sami smiled nervously. "Uh, RJ....this isn't because Ducy didn't want to renew your cyberwedding vows?"

"Ducy? Thince when is David Doochovny is refered to `Ducky'? Not that I do find him jutht ducky..."

"No, no, not DD..." she said, reaching for her pocket and pulling out a picture. "THIS Ducovny! Your Cyberwife Ducovny!"

"Her? Theeeth! The'th thuch a...a...GIRL! And thucha drab drethed one too. Now, Carthon over there is much better looking!"

"RJ...you stay away from me! I'm not that kind of boy! I don't even think about Slash stories, so you can guess my opinion of starring in one!" Carson yelped as he bagan reaching for the gruel bowl, the only makeshift weapon at hand.

"Uh, RJ? Do you remember what Pendrell Pick-up Line #19 was in you Top20 Twenty list?" Sami asked.

"Pendrell? Why would I want to pick up Pendrell? He's thooo Wimpy! I want a REAL MAN like Thkinner or Krycek...or...." RJ lisped as his batted his eyes at the cowering Carson.

"YOU"RE NOT RJ!!!" cried Sami. "You're Fake! RJ would NEVER call Pendrell wimpy or pass up the chance to talk about his Top20s!!" She leapt at RJ and began grabbing at his beard. "It's...got...to be...fake..." she grunted as RJ squealed for help, "Hep me! Hep me!! Lord Penni, Hep me!!"

Carson began pounding at the cell door. "He's fake! We know he's fake! We found out!"

As Sami continued to pull at the beard of the "fake" RJ, Carson banged away at the door, trying to attract the attention of the guards, who did appear moments later weilding Noodle Whips while Head Guard Ian was brandishing his Dustbuster Shopvac. Carson was soon covered in a thick goo of noodle doo, while Sami was pinned to the nozzle of Ian's shopvac.

"Oh Thank Heaventh you Thaved me, Lt Ian! They dithovered my thecret of being a..... (dun-dun-dun-DAH)...RJ Clone!!"

Carson and Sami were horrified. "A RJ CLONE?? AAAAAAAAIGHHH!!"

Ian buried his face in his hand. "Great...Now I have to tell Lord/Lady Penni....."

Moments later; Sami, Carson, the RJ clone, Ian, and about a dozen 3rdGen Clone PerryTroopers stood in front of the surgical masked Lord/Lady Penni in the Exercise room.

"What the (wheeze) is Going on (wheeze) here?" wheezed Penni.

"My Lord/Lady.." Ian began. "Our plan to secretly interogate the LABB prisoners seems to have backfired. They know about the RJ CLone we got from the Evil OverLord..."

"You (wheeze) Idiot!" squealed Penni. "Now you (wheeze) told them about where got that (wheeze) RJ Clone!!"

Carson raised his hands. "Uh excuse me...but we didn't know he was a clone until he told us personally..."

Penni prodded the RJ CLone with his Dustbuster DeLuxe. "You (Wheeze) fool! You were supposed to (wheeze) pump the prisoners for Information!"

{Innuendo Deleted} giggled the RJ Clone, eyes a'fluttering at Carson. Sami and about 6 PerryTroopers covered their ears in shock at the comment.

"You (wheeze) Stupiod, stupid (wheeze) Clone!!" Penni squealed again as he pummeled the RJ clone with his Perry Como sceptor. "You were supposed to..."

Suddenly, The Rj Clone fell backwards and rolled through an OPEN HATCHWAY!!!! "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...."

Penni looked at the hatchway, then at his PerryTroopers. "Who (wheeze) left that open?" he said meekly.

The PerryTroopers all pointed to each other. "Uh, oh..." Ian meeped. "We're in trouble...."

Penni started jumping over the room and squealing. "What are we (wheeze) gonna do?? What are we (wheeze) gonna do? Our Evil OverLord of the (wheeze) World is going to (wheeze) Kill us for ruining his RJ Clone!!!"

Ian raised his hand fervently. " I Know! I Know! Let's blame the Evil LABB Pez Eaters!"

Carson and Sami grabbed each other in fright. "But we didn't do it!"

Penni laughed. "Hahahahaha! Tell that (wheeze) to our Master Overlord!! Cast them (wheeze) out of the (wheeze) Death Cheese!"

The PerryTroopers grabbed Sami and Carson. "Noooo!!! We won't tell! We Promise!! Noooo!!!

But Penni gave them a Thumbs down, to which the PerryTroopers dropped them through the Open hatchway, over 1000 feet to the blasted remains of Labbville below..... "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......"

MEANWHILE, On the bottom of the Death Cheese on a downward facing antennae.....

....sat the REAL RJ, calmly sitting on a crossbeam!!! Seems he fell through another open hatchway during teh LAST story and landed here! Moments before, he busily making calculations...

"OK... The Delectable Ducy's altimeter read 760 meters when we got nabbed, and the average of the fall of 4 quarters I bounced off the hull of the Death Cheese indicate I'm about 30 meters below the main hanger deck door. and that will give me a....

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......."

RJ looked at the falling form in Purple and counted off until a cloud of dust billowed from the ground. "Well, that was easier. And he sure was dressed bad! Just like that outfit I had in the 4th grade... But anyway... 75 seconds to the ground at 9.8 meters per second makes it 731 meters to the ground..." He checked the tag on his "Junior Rocketeer Jet Pack". "...and at 9.8 meters per second over that distance will give a final velocity of 264 km/hr, which means I'll have to freefall for 10 seconds, fire the engine for 20 seconds which will slow me to 208 km/hr, freefall for another 15 seconds, fire for 20 seconds to slow me to 140km/hr, freefall for 10, and land with the last 20 second of fuel at a final speed of...50km/hr. Ouch. Hmmm, let's factor in wind resistance...

Sami: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa......."
Carson: "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa....."
RJ: "Great Scott! That was Sami and Carson!!! I've got to save them!"

RJ leapt off of the antennae and dove at Sami and Carson.

{{Even though all bodies fall at 9.8 meters/sec, RJ's decreased surface area provides far less air resistance then do the flailing bodies of Sami & Carson, therefore he quickly catched up with them!}}

Sami: "Carson...I know this a bad time, but..."
Carson: "Sami, of course this a Bad Time, but please go on.."
Sami: Carson, there's something I have to tell you...
Carson: "Uh Sami, I want to tell you something too..."
Sami: Oh? Please you go first.."
Carson: "Oh no, ladies' first..."

WHAMMO!!! A streak from above snatches Carson & Sami! The beaming face of RJ greets them as they continue to plummet!

Carson, Sami: "RJ?!?!?"
RJ: "The One and only!! I'm here to rescue you!"
Carson: You are the REAL RJ, aren't you?"
RJ: Uh, I was the the last time I checked!"
Sami: "RJ, what were they serving for dinner at the Golden Globes where X-Files Kicked Bootie?"
RJ: "Uh....Chaco Chicken!!"
C&S: "YEH!! It's IS You! But How can you save us? We gonna die!!!"
RJ: "Say hello to the Junior Rocketeer Jet Pack! 100km/hr for 60sec! Just have to readjust my calculations...."

VOOOOOOSH!!! went the jet pack for 20 seconds!

C&S: AAAAH! It's empty!
RJ: "Fear not! For I have taken College Physics!! and Passed!"
Jr Rocketeer Jet pack for another 20 sec: VOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!
C&S: "What kind of grades did you get in College Physics?"
RJ: "Well, I got a C in Mechanics, and I did fail Electrical & Nuclear Physics twice...but I got a solid B in Heat, Light, & Sound!!!"
C&S: "AAAAAAAAHHHH!!! We're Gonna Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!!!"
Jr Rocketeer Jet pack for the FINAL 20 sec: VOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!

thunk.

As the last milliliter of fuel was consummed, RJ, Sami, & Carson hit the dirt at Zero Kilomters per hour, thanks in part to their increased surface area! Safe and Uninjured. Well, maybe...

RJ: "eeeergg..........sami...........carson..........please...........get........off............of............me...."

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 00:39:23 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Maniacally Effervescent Lettuce Irrigators Say, "Salad? Ack!"

The cells have been very quiet today. This is, I believe, because everyone zonked out last night after the Doof rush. I mean, hey, that's precious stuff now that the distributors are refusing to ship us more, so we haven't had any in a looooong time.

I think I woke up earlier than the others...one sip of Janet's cappuccino was plenty for me, but the others drained theirs (and Nick even finished mine off - he's *still* sleeping!). Anyway, when I came to, I heard voices outside the cell door...it was Penni and Brian. They were discussing plans to take a raiding party to Beiserville and commandeer the radio station there until a new one could be built in LABBVille! I think they're gathering up all the Como records and CDs, and it sounds like they're getting ready to go soon! Yikes!

*yawn* Wow, that Doof hit me harder than I'd thought. I need a nap... Zzzzzzzzzz...

---

Debi:
> Oh...Carson...take care of Nick as he is the cameraman!!! <wink>

Nick has been taking excellent care of himself, actually...he wields a gruel spoon with great accuracy.

> I mentioned to my Grandfather about *Perry Como*..& possibly a *web
> site* & he said..."I can tell you all you want to know. Let me help you!
> He is the greatest man that ever lived!!" <-----------(and my GF is 91)
> ACK!!!

OH NO!!! The clones have gotten to your grandfather! Run, Debi, run!!! ;>

Carson Maynard :>

From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 02:42:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: ((((LABB))))!! SUDDENLY SEYMOUR!! SEYMOUR! It's you!!

Okay...now...I just woke up & I was in the *former LabVille Hospital*(what is left of it)!! Kristin?? Is that you on the bed across from Dr. Bippy??? <it looks like her...& Michael & Jackson..it looks like them...they are donning *habbits* <sp?> They said they were Sister Sam & Sam Sister??? <shaking my head> Dr. Bippy is groaning as usual!! Says he has to get out & go find his wife!! I told him that the *Dingo ate her*!! He started weeping...then who shows up but Nurse Fenity??? Well she is a *b*******!!!! Shoves those needles in you like a knife!! Everytime you hear a real loud *YELL*..it's someone getting stabbed by Nurse Fenity!!

Also!! Odie??? Penni's Jehovah Witness friends are *hovering* over us!! Said they are trying to save us?? <HELP!>....Oh...I just saw some *confetti* fall on Dr. Bippy!! He looks really *kewl* because it covered him completely!! Sarah?? Is that you down the *ways*??? I speak like that as see..the *hopital* burnt :::I know you know..hush!!:::: So we are lined up outside with a *tent* thingy over us!! We all giggled cuz we saw Mai??? <giggles> taking a bath...she has a *huggy* jacket on!! Hey!! Hey!! Wait a minute!! WE ALL DO!!!! <maniacal laughter>!!! Oh & Penni & Brian sent us all a *TREE* made out of cut-outs of Perry Como pictures!! When all put together....it *has you know..their message*!!! :::shudders:::
*********************************************************************
Oh btw..I checked Penni's SN...she/he had *junk* mail!! So I sent each one a message from Penni...*I am Clone, etc....* !! That was fun!! They will probably wonder what the *hell*??? Serves them right!! Also had it tell them to *Surrender & join their cause!! Wonder if any replies??? :::::nay::::
******************************************************************************

So..I shall leave...they are uncovering Dr. Bippy....*the confetti* <get your minds outta the gutter now>!! Ok!! Are they out?? Ok!!

Debi
***********************************************************************
Almost forgot my *titles*!!! Oh my!! And Carson?? I just thought what you said about my GF being a *clone*..he is!! ACK!! Today he told me was *The Head Cheese(?) <something to do with a *head*> of the Royal Order of the Empty Skulls*!! No kidding!! YIKES!!!

From Rainier Robles <rrar@compass.com.ph>
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 20:41:03 +0800
Subject: Da LABB...Me clones are mad...in more wayz dan won

Carson, I visited the clone wars site and I picked a bad time: Calvin, Hobbes, and Garfield were there. Ugh. Here are the transcripts of the conversation...well, sorta.

CALVIN: (looking at Penni pic) Who da hell...?
ME: Penni. Another clone.
HOBBES: Penni? Penni? What a stupid, stupid name for a clone. Hobbes sounds better.
ME: (laughs)
CALVIN: And why ain't we there?
HOBBES: Yeah! We oughta be credited.
ME: (nods) Yup. It's time you get up from your...um, part-of-the-back-part-of-the-body-which-you-use-to-sit-on-and-starts-with-the-letter-"A"'s and get out there!!!
GARFIELD: Hobbes...
HOBBES: Yup?
GARFIELD: Clean up. You've got spray paint all over you.
HOBBES: Huh? (looks at mirror) ARGH!!!!! (eyes Calvin suspiciously) Calvin...
CALVIN: Um...bye? (leaves running, with Hobbes chasing him)

From EnragedCat@aol.com
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 22:16:48 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Queen Thud...remember me? Ginger Robinson! Class of '76!!! BUDDY!

Sami's been acting weird lately. She rants a little too much about Hanson and even tried to make Carson wear a long blonde wig so that "he'd look like Ikey." I try and retaliate with long speeches about the beauty of They Might be Giants but she gets really bored and begins to hum some of MMMBop, aka the songs with lyrics of a stupid-year-old.

Today, when me, her, Oz, and some weird shifty-eyed clone were holding guard, we got into a little argument...

Sami: Mmbop, baddoooooowop ye-eyah!
Oz: Hey hey you say!
Sami: *You* say?
Oz: Yaw, you say.
Me: [slapping myself on forehead] Not this again!
Sami: Let me see you try somethin' better, huh-huh!
Me: Lookie here, Math Whiz, let me tell you something about They Might Be Giants...
Oz: They Might Be What?
Sami: They Might Be MMbop?
Me: They Might Be Giants.
WSEC: Cool.
Sami: Who are they?
Oz: Who are they?
WSEC: Cool.
Me: You guys are so stupid! They Might Be Giants!? 'Member? That's all I talk about, 'cept for HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARVEY and the nitpicky aspect of the meaning of "Pendrell."

Carson started to sob from his cell.

Carson: Hall of Heads <sob> Lie Still, Little Bottle <sob> Spider <sob>
WSEC: Yuk. Spiders.
Me: Ech. Whatever.
Oz: Sure. Fine. WHATevah.

I gave up on all of 'em and walked over to Trillian's cell to see if I could convince her into becoming a NoRomo, since she is a fencer.

Me: Come on Trillian. What is so great about Shippers? All they do is, um, um, all they *are* is anti-Socks!
Trill: Fences are cool.
Me: Aww, Trillian, come on. The next worst fate to being a Pezzer is being one who is a shipper.
Trill: But fences are cool.
Me: Yeah, they are actually. Fences ARE cool.
Trill: BWAHAHAHAAH!
Me: Hey, wait a minute --
Trill: Come on, EnCat, become a fencer!
Me: Fences are cool.

Now I have *no* idea what is going on.

--[Ging]E[r Robi]n[son]Cat

Evil LabMouse

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Wed, 1 Oct 1997 23:45:50 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Queen Thud, we love you!

I've been curled up in a little ball in the corner of the cell for the past hour...it sure is loud out there!

SAMI: MMbop! MMbop! MMbop!
ENCAT: Spider! (We love you, Spider!) Spider! (Must - kill -) Unhhh!
OZ: Hey hey you say!
TIGER: Wut arr yoo guyz singign?
PENNI: Don't let the stars get in your eyes... Wait, everyone, quit singing!
ENCAT: Not *another* lecture on Mary Kay sales techniques!
PENNI: No, no. I have an announcement to make! Prisoners! Gather round!

[I slowly uncurled myself and staggered over to the door along with Nick]

PENNI: I know you've all been wondering why I pretended that the mannequin in Penwyn's cell was RJ.
ME: We know why. You're a raving lunatic.
PENNI: [narrowing hir eyes] I'd make you pay for that, but I know I won't have to wait long anyway.
ME: [raising an eyebrow] Oh?
PENNI: Yes! You see, that mannequin contains a state-of-the-art video/audio recording system! We've been taping all of your scurrilous anti-Como conversations; ample excuse to execute all of you! [maniacal laughter]
NICK: Um...wait a minute...state-of-the-art from when?
PENNI: [thinks about this a minute] Nineteen...seventy-two?
NICK: You couldn't fit that kind of equipment in a mannequin!
PENNI: Oh. How about 2003?
NICK: That's six years away.
PENNI: Oh, right! I meant 199...8, of course. Er, no! Not 1998. 1997!
NICK: [calling Penni's bluff] You still couldn't fit that much equipment into something the size of an RJ mannequin.
PENNI: [glowers at Nick through heavily-mascaraed lashes] Well, I might not have any state-of-the-art audio/video recording equipment in there, but it DOES hold plastic explosives!
ALL: *gasp*!
TRILL: Why didn't it explode when you dropped it, then?
PENNI: The explosives are well-padded, rather like my shoulders.
ODIE: And what do you think you're going to do with them?
PENNI: Why, detonate them, of course! Hugh, bring me my portable detonator!

[Hugh hurries out of the room and returns with a black box surmounted by a blood-red button]

PENNI: Ready? Three...two...
SAMI: Uh - Penni - stop? STOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
PENNI: What *is* it? You almost made me break a nail, and you *know* how I hate that, Sami-Lamby.
SAMI: You can't explode a bomb in here! Besides the fact that it would kill many of my ex-friends about whom I still care and would like to see convert to Comoism, you would *also* kill all of us.
PENNI: You might have a good point there. Well, we'll go to the bridge and blow it up from there!
SAMI: It'll still depressurize the entire Cheese Cloud. Sorry, just won't work.
PENNI: [stomping hir foot] Oh, Chr*s C*rter! *huff* We'll just have to use it when we take over the radio station, I guess.

[Everyone breathes a sigh of relief]

PENNI: Okay, out with the mannequin! Hugh, Tiger!

[Hugh and Tiger unlocked Penwyn's cell. Sami and Oz kept him covered with the cute mini-vacs until the mannequin was out.]

PENNI: Take it to the War Room! Now, off to prepare for the forthcoming attack! Chaaaaaaaaaaarge it!

[Penni marched proudly out, followed by Hugh, Tiger and the explosive mannequin. Watch out, citizens of Beiserville! (if there are any...)]

Carson Maynard :>

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 20:30:36 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: ((((LABB)))) I wanna be free free free like the blue blue bifd

Well there's trouble in the cheese hut. Big trouble. These past couple days have been just crapy and I Thrusdays are my days to just veg and relax. My plans were to come home to the hut, and introduce Peter the clone to Friends And ER. I came home and Peter was no where to be found! He's usually workingon hi dafadil garden or watching TV or practicing his harp. When I got home I found his harp tipped over and a couple of the strings broken and his dafadils had been trampled!!!!! OH my poor petey! !<sniff> I found a note on his harp that said 'I will be an only clone again -Sully" I should have been suspicious when I came home and Sully wasno longer on the Chandelier. To make matters worse, I found love beads that looked suspiciously liked those belonging to Duc's Dolenz clone. Dolenz has been visiting alot ever since he and Peter bonded over fortune cookies.

I dropped everuything, and yelped with pain when the math book landed on my big toe, and made a bee line for Duc's hut. I knowcked on the door, I wasnot looking forward to telling my friend that I suspected her clone was a victem of my totally whacked clone.

WEll, Duc was home, just as happy as you please, watching TV with Micky and Torkie. I bit my lip when i dind't see Dolenz with them, because if anything i washoping he was there. "I have some bad news," I told her. With out waiting for a response I rushed right into it," YOu know how I was worried about Sully not taking Peter well? Um, Sully has Taken Peter prisoner and I think he might have taken Dolenz becuase I found these," At this point I held up Dolenz's love beads and Duc let out a little squeak and clutched the beads. Torkie took one look at the beads and started crying.. then I started crying b/c he looked so much like my Peter and I could only hope that Sully woudln't do anything to him. Now, a problem arises. I don't have the slightest Idea where Sully would have taken the clones!! Oh my poor clones!!!! <sniffle>

-Mel

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Thu, 2 Oct 1997 23:29:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] "Maybe we're all our evil twins. That'd explain a lot of things."

Today it was my turn to walk around the detention center, yay! EnCat and I had a nice conversation...or, at least, as nice of a conversation as sorta-mortal-enemies can be expected to have.

ME: Eat Pez or die!!!
ENCAT: I'd rather give up Perry Como forever!!!
ME: Oh, would you? What would Penni say to THAT, *Han -*

[EnCat gave me a reeeeeeeeally evil look]

ME: Han...son. Is what Penni would say. To that. Heshe would say, "Hanson is as worthy as Perry Como, almost."

[EnCat continued giving me the evil eye]

ME: MMbop?

[EnCat did not laugh]

ME: I think I'm ready to go back to my cell now, thank you.
ENCAT: I don't believe you are! Let's see you do...oh...five hundred laps around the detention center! NOW!
ME: No, no, really, that's okay. I'm bushed as it is. *yaaaaaawn* See?
ENCAT: Now!!!

[I started running. Then Sami came in, with her hair up in curlers and her face covered in some kind of white masque. She also had cucumber slices on her eyes.]

ENCAT: Sami, watch out for that -
SAMI: *thunk* Ouch!
ENCAT: - wall.
SAMI: I hate cucumbers.
PENNI: [walking in behind her] You look maaah-velous, dahling! A facial will do wonders for your skin tone!
ME: [running past] 'Scuse me, Lord/Lady Penni.
PENNI: Oh, that's quite all right. I really must be (wheeze) returning to the War Room now, anyway. Toodles!

[Penni left as I started my third lap]

ME: Four hundred ninety-seven left.
SAMI: [tilting her head] Is that Carson?
ENCAT: Yup. Don't ask.
SAMI: Okay. Hey...I'm a little bit confused about something.
ENCAT: Yeah? What's that?
SAMI: Well...don't we have one too many prisoners in here?
ENCAT: Too many? You're not thinking of letting someone go, are you?
ME: Four hundred ninety-six...
SAMI: No, no, it's not that at all. But...I thought RJ's group freed Odie?
ENCAT: Oh - er - no, he didn't. It was just...a figment of your imagination.
SAMI: But Penwyn said all the doors were open and everyone was gone.
ENCAT: He missed Trill, didn't he?
SAMI: Yeah, I guess so...
ME: Four hundred ninety-five...
TRILL: Who missed me?
ENCAT: It's nothing important.
TRILL: It better not be, 'cause Ally McBeal is coming on in a little while.
SAMI: Not for four more days, Trill.
TRILL: Yeah, well, I don't want to be disturbed.
ME: Four hundred ninety-four...
ENCAT: Okay, Carson, you can take a break.
ME: *pant* *wheeze* Thank... *gasp* ...you.
ENCAT: That's long enough. Get going again!

[I continued my laps]

ENCAT: Oh, I'll be right back...I have a craving for a Yoo-Hoo. Sami, you'll watch him while I'm gone, won't you?
SAMI: [taking off the cucumber slices] Sure.

[EnCat left]

ME: Four hundred ninety-three...
SAMI: [whispering] You can rest for a minute, if you want to...
ME: [pausing in my circuit] I've had enough of all this! This is so dumb! I mean, c'mon, *Perry Como*?! Why on earth would the clones idolize someone like that? And what do they have against Pez, anyway? It's really good! And the dispensers are so cute, Penni should love them!
SAMI: [whispering again] Careful!
ME: Well, it's true! *sighs* I don't know. Maybe I'm just upset. Maybe...

[Penni came storming in, with three PerryTroopers at hir side]

PENNI: I knew we'd get something on them, sooner or later!
ME: What -? What is this?!
ENCAT: [entering, with bottle of Yoo-Hoo] You should have listened to Sami, Carson.
ME: [looking at Sami] What do you mean?
PENNI: [laughing with exultation] That isn't Odie! [points] That is a (wheeze) state-of-the-art audio/visual recording device, from *1997*! And I'm serious this time! We've been monitoring all of your conversations!

[I saw Sami pale, obviously worrying that her cover had been blown]

SAMI: It's...visual, too?
PENNI: Oh, well, not any more. Those bits broke when EnCat (wheeze) dropped it.
ENCAT: I did not drop it! You did!

[Sami breathed a sigh of relief]

ME: But it talked...
PENNI: Of course it talked! That was Raoul, in the monitoring room.
"ODIE": Hello everyone! Tell Rose I'm really enjoying the Big Apple... *snicker*
PENNI: Now, you, mister, are going to get the Super-Duper-Extraordinary Full-Body-Workout Cute Mini-Vacuum Cleaner Torture tonight! Back to your cell!
ENCAT: And after that, you're finishing those laps!
ME: Could I have made this day any worse?
PENNI: Oh, yes, and about those conversations you've been having with the floor of your cell...
ME: I like talking to the cockroaches, okay?
PENNI: And Madame Boing, too?
MME B: What? What are you saying about me? Hmm? Ah know eet eez something 'orrible! Ah curse you with brittle fingernails!
PENNI: Aieeeeeeeeee! [runs out of the room]

So now I'm sitting in my cell, waiting for the clones to come with their instruments of torture. Nick and Janet are both very sympathetic. (and Janet told me she gave Madame Boing a *double* Doof cappuccino tonight for saving her from discovery! I think they're actually becoming fast friends, believe it or not. I wonder if she could do something about getting the Stinky Cheese of the Month Club revoked?) Oh dear...I hear an ominous whirr approaching...

Carson Maynard :>

From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 00:59:29 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Lonely Shades of Gray (LABB)

And poor Torkie has been crying all day on Micky. He misses Dolenz, even though Micky looks like Dolenz. I dont' get it either. ;)

Micky is in a state of shock. He's got the love beads laying on the couch watching my countless hours of Moonlighting episodes. scary.

i need to take a hot bath. I don't think Micky or Torkie will join me this time. I don't know if that's good or not. We all need to hang together on this. :) ((repeating For Pete's Sake))

~Duc~~O8>

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 22:23:15 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Ripping EnCat's Newspapers

*hugs* to Debi, who was forced to perform a most unpleasant task today. Penni made her send me this note:

---

From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Fri, 3 Oct 1997 02:38:40 -0400 (EDT)

((((CARSON))))!!! Uh...do not ask why or how....but here is *Penni*!!

:::::Penni walks in & sits on the chair::::::

Penni: "Carson consider that you are now being interrogated to the fullest & baddest!!" So you wrote the *evil* Pez-loving LABBMice again!! Harrumph!! Oh..why do I <wheeze>??? Do I??? <Penni smiles at Carson>

<< So now I'm sitting in my cell, waiting for the clones to come with
their instruments of torture. Nick and Janet are both very sympathetic.
(and Janet told me she gave Madame Boing a *double* Doof cappuccino
tonight for saving her from discovery! I think they're actually becoming
fast friends, believe it or not. I wonder if she could do something about
getting the Stinky Cheese of the Month Club revoked?) Oh dear...I hear
an ominous whirr approaching...>>

*************************************
Penni: "So!! Carson??? Nick, I understand sympathizing with you, but uh..(wheeze) Janet?? Ahem....just who is she & what are her & Madame Boing planning..huh?? Tell me!! Or it won't be mini-vacs dear!! So you must tell Penni all so she can report back to *King Brian*!!! Oh.....Hand over the *Miss Piggy* PEZ dispenser now!! You *Evil Servant of Pez*!! Just wait until the show!! Oh...my.....Carson? I have to go!!!!!!! But do not forget to tell all!! "

:::::Penni snaps fingers. Flumina walks in!:::::

Penni: "General Flumina? Lock dis *Pez-Lover* in the special cell...ALONE!! He is to be dealt with later!!"
Flumina:"Uh...Yes, Queen Penni!"

::::::Penni walks out with Carson's Pez dispenser.::::::::

::::::Peeerrrryyyyyyy!!! The *Battle Cry of the Clones* can be heard as shehe leaves!!::::::::::::

:::::::Carson is locked into a *special cell*!!:::::::
****************************************end****************************************

---

So now I've been placed in solitary confinement :< :< :< It's a totally dark room - no windows or anything, except for a sliding window in the door that opens from the outside, and the food slot at the bottom. Oh, why cannot I be Eugene Tooms or Samuel Aboah? And all the walls are padded. (This does, OTOH, make for some fun sessions of literally bouncing off the walls.) But it's very lonely.

On the plus side, Sami paid me a visit while the others were out for a moment. When she opened the sliding window, I was so unaccustomed to the light that for a little while I couldn't see a thing.

SAMI: Carson! Are you okay?
ME: Er - yeah - yeah, I'm fine, just a little blinded...
SAMI: Oh. Well, I wanted to let you know that I'm going to try to talk to Penni and see if I can get her to let you out of here.
ME: You mean free?!
SAMI: Um...no. I mean, back to your old cell, where you can at least talk to people.
ME: Oh. Actually, that'd be great. I will never complain about the cramped conditions again.
SAMI: I can't promise anything, though.
ME: [looking more closely] Sami, you seem awfully...I dunno...stiff.
SAMI: [frowning, or at least trying to] Yeah, I know. It's Penni's facial. Heshe said I needed to leave it on for a day, at least. And it's gotten really hard. I think it's made of cement or something.
ME: Ouch!
SAMI: I can't even smile, I'm afraid I'll crack my face.
PENNI: [entering; I couldn't see hir, just hear hir voice through the window] Sami-Lamby, what are you doing talking to the special prisoner?
SAMI: Oh, Penni. I was just...trying to persuade him to convert to Comoism!
ME: I love bats! Bats bats bats bats bats! Mwa!
SAMI: Um, Penni, can we go take my facial off now?
PENNI: [examining Sami's face] Hmmm, yes, I think you're about ready for the second application.
SAMI: *Second* application?
PENNI: Yes, to clean the pores out! Now, come over here so I can sandblast this layer off...

[They closed the window and left. A little while later - I don't know, minutes, hours - Penni came back, with a chair and a tall standing halogen lamp.]

PENNI: [entering, putting down the chair and lamp and locking the door] Now...where's the plug for this lamp...? Oh! Silly me! I forgot, it's battery-operated. [turns on the lamp, and tries to point it in my face, but it's fixed and won't bend without falling over] Hmm. That is not the effect I wanted, but it'll have to do. Now. Where were you the night of March 23, 1997?
ME: March twenty...ohhh, I see what you're getting at. I don't remember. I must have been at school.
PENNI: Mmmm-hmmm. You were not in a pub?
ME: No, I wasn't in a pub!
PENNI: Mmmm-hmmm. (wheeze) And did you watch anything on television? For example, any cult science-fiction programs?
ME: No, Penni, I did not watch The X-Files that night. I couldn't. I had to wait several days before my parents sent me the tape with...that episode.
PENNI: Mmmm-hmmm. Tell me a little bit about Janet.
ME: Janet? Well, uh...she's a net friend of mine, and...
PENNI: You have never seen her personally?
ME: Well, yeah, once. And around LABBVille.
PENNI: And is she *usually* (wheeze) very sympathetic towards you?
ME: Oh, yeah, all the time.
PENNI: Would "all the time" include yesterday?
ME: Uh - I don't know what you're talking about.
PENNI: Is it possible that Janet is on the Cheese Cloud?
ME: La la la la la...
PENNI: Answer me!
ME: Oh, I'm sorry, what was the question?
PENNI: *Is Janet on the Cheese Cloud*?
ME: Uh...no. [thinking: she's *in* it...]
PENNI: Oh. [runs hir long red-with-gold-striped fingernails through hir orange hair] Okay. And what about this Madame Boing thing?
ME: You know Madame Boing. All bark, and no bite.
PENNI: [frowning] She bites very well, I'll have you know. [rubbing hir bruised arm]
ME: I like your kilt, Penni. It brings out your highlights.
PENNI: Why, *thank* you!
ME: Is it your natural hair color? 'Cause it looks a little *too* red, you know what I mean? Oh, and could I please have Miss Piggy back?
PENNI: [growling] This interrogation is *over*! But it's not! Because I'll be back, you just wait! Darling!

[Penni stormed out, leaving me in darkness once again. I wonder what heshe has planned... *gulp* Maybe I shouldn't bait hir like that...but I just can't *resist*, it's so much fun...]

Carson Maynard :>

From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 03:56:59 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: (LABB) Speak to us, Queen Thud! We implore you!

Ok....I'm continuing the story...No I am not in Beiserville..never made it!! Nope..didn't!! Sure as hell-o didn't!! Thought I was in LabVille...nada...Oh I am in the hospital...but it's on the <gasp> Clone Compound!!!! Yikes!!! There be dykes!! Ahemm...

Okay....a Dr. Fuller Bull came to see me!! Nurse Fenity(who looks like Fred Kruger in drag) was there!! A slight concussion I have!! Officer Stinky apparently found me *wandering* around some time ago & long story..but ended up here!! Dr. Bippy is here too!! So is someone named Shirley!! Oh...& the Judge is here too!! We are all patients!! And it was not Mai I saw the other night....ahem....Sherman & Ian decided to fool me & they put a mop in a bucket upside down...put a picture of Mai on the head & Sherman was imitating Mai!! How do I know?? Penni came by to see me & gave me a manicure...so I now have very SHARP nails...also I am or was informed by Penni that as soon as possible I must talk with Brian, *The King of Clones*!!!
***************************************************************
But being a patient isn't so bad!! I mean...we actually are getting *Doof IV's*!!! At least that was what I was told!! I saw or thought I saw Brinson fly over...she was on a plane...but Dr. Bull thinks I'm imagining things...so...well..okay!!!! But I do have a feeling that my IV is not *doof* but what?? I do not know!! Penni told me not to worry..I would soon be *one with them*!! Don't remember quite what that is or means..but hey...I'll do anything to feel better!! *Perry Como* music in the background....<how the he** did I know that!> ::::shrugs::::

Well..I'm going to sleep!! Aw...sweet slumber!! Blue sea...golden sand...full-moon...BATS, BATS!!!

Byeee,

Debi
BATS, BATS!!!!!
Owner of a *Ninja Turtle* pez dispenser(one concession Brian has agreed to)
**********
Uh....Rainer??? I have no idea where your clones are!! Honest!! As an officer of the *doof court* I will never tell a lie!!!! In the name of Beverly Cleary...I do not know!!
***********************************************************************
Excuse me a minute...::::::::looks at Brian..how's that my little buddy??::::::::: ::::::::::::Brian smiles::::::::::::: Ah....sweet victory is waiting!!......

From EnragedCat@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 01:09:42 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) turn it up when the cold brings you down; when the heat bothers you turn

I throttled Sami tonight, but not seriously. I had just gotten back from the video store where I had seen a Hanson video and it drove me up the wall (literally, the video store now has scratch marks near the animation section), and I throttled her. She gasped a little, her face turned redder than, erm, a red rubber ball, and then I dropped her to the ground. Pushing a long finger onto her nose, I hissed,

ME: Sami, if you rant about Hanson one more time I'll personally track that trio down and throttle those sweet little cutie-pies until they MMMbop their little skeletons into the grave.
SAMI: Zac too? But, oh, he's so...so...adorable! And he's just eleven!
ME: Zacy Poo too. He'll be the *first* to go.

Carson, who was still doing his laps left over from last night, ran by.

CARSON: EnCat, <gasp> you're so viol<huf>ent! 101!
SAMI: She certainly is. Yargh.
ME: Bwahahahaha.
SAMI: Wow. Cool. I never knew anyone could actually laugh like that.
ME: Me.
SAMI: You?
ME: Me.
SAMI: You?
ME: Me.
CARSON: Rabbit season!
SAMI: No, it is duck season!
ELMER FUDD: Elephant season!
ME: That's an elephant gun.

Things are really wacky around here.

--EnCat

Evil LabMouse

From Maisfeeka@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 12:31:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Where am Mai?

I have a very serious problem. No one seems to know where the Doof I am!

Debi *thought* she saw me in the hospital wearing one of those huggie jackets, but NOW she says that was a mop upside down in a bucket of water with a picture of my face on it!

Darlin'??? That is definitely NOT Doof they're puttin' in your IV!! I actually look very little like a mop upside down in a pail of water. For one thing, my feet are rarely wet. Well... unless I'm back in the bathtub again... Okay, my feet ARE usually wet. Um... how about, my hair is not grey and ratted? Well, given the clone wars saga and all, I'm sure it's possible that I got a special cement "hair treatment" from Penni, so my hair could be grey and ratted.... How about... well ... okay. I give up. I DO look just like a broom upside down in a bucket! (Ducy? Maybe you could draw a picture for us?)

Anyhow.... I don't know where I am or what I am doing. (Oh, like THAT'S anything new!!) I miss my Sherman, and if no one can figure out what happened to me I may just have to convert to get my masseuse back. Sigh... I'm already starting to feel an urge to pull out an old Perry Como record and start listening. (Uh, guys? I have no idea what he's sung - other than an old Christmas album my mother has. Do the clones - oh, pardon me - "genetic icons", like Christmas?)

Mai
Titles? Do I have titles? How can I have titles when I don't even know where I am!
My clone is gone and I can't find a bathtub anywhere!

From SrGunther@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 14:01:11 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) I am Shadow Brother, Vampire Lord Extroardinaire

I've been working more on my escape plan some more. If you remember, I was sitting under a desk on the uh, Cheese Cloud? I'm still wondering how a cloud can have substance and weight. Well, regardless, I figured it out. I took a pen. A red pen. I snapped it in half and poured the ink all over my hands. Then, whipping out my trusty portable eyeballs, I placed one in each hand. Then, closing my eyes, I got out from under the desk. "Libertate me, libertate a me!" I shouted, conjouring up images of Event Horizon.

Apparently, I was in some sort of clone-conference room, clones all around. They shouted in terror:
"Oh god! It's Sam Neill! How did he survive 'In the Mouth of Madness"? He's not human! Runnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!"
"Hey, he was pretty good in Hunt For Red October!"
"Nah, Connery carried that! Neill was unnecessary."
"What about Jurassic Park?"
"He was all wrong for that part, they shoulda gotten that guy who played Indiana Jones!"
"The one with the space monkey?"
"Yeah!"
"We found him sucked into the exhaust port, my lord/lady! He's kinda dead! But, we did get the space monkey alive!"
"Ah, excellent. At last we have the mighty Chewbac-"
"Sir/Ma'am! Stop! You really shouldn't finish that, Lucasfilms would have our asses on a platter!"
"Oh, you're right..hmm...uh, okay, the artist formerly know as Chew-etc. shall from now on be called 'Space Monkey'"
"Excellent choice sir/ma'am! It fits him perfectly!"
"Rarrrr! Raah rarrrr rarrrrgh!"
"Shut up, Space Monkey! Space Monkey..I like the sound of that."

Meanwhile, I'm shaking my eyes, trying my best to instill terror, doing my best "Ooh ahh, I'm SCAAAAAAAAARY, see how SCAAAAAAAAAARY I am? Uh, latina est urum? Uh..please?" But alas, they were all focused on the Space Monkey. It was at this point that I realized how cool it would be to own my very own Space Monkey. He could be my beatdown master, official dealer of megadeath. In a moment of brilliance, I shouted: "Space Monkey! Catch!" And I threw my trusty butane lighter (which I always have, of course), which the monkey deftly caught. Must of been a rather smart one, cause he got that butane working right away. He burned off his cuffs (which were wooden, I still don't get the logic behind *that* one) and went to chasing the clones, Penni in particular.

Meanwhile, Keyser and Dweezil (who are second-generation clones, keep in mind, a creation by my very own Keyser and Dweezil) saw this fiasco. "Penni! Don't let him get too close! If he touches you with that thing, you're history! Your eyeliner is 100% flammable!" Penni, realizing this terrible problem, kept running. Keyser-Dweezil, seeing it in their best honor to protect the queen/king, threw themselves at the Space Monkey, who promptly set them on fire. I'll tell ya, there are few things funnier than flaming siamese second generation clones. So, I burst into laughter. As I do when I find things funny. Well, this sure pissed off flaming fake Keyser/Dweezil, who promptly charged me. I tried my Event Horizon routine again. "Uh, we have such wonderful things to show...you? Hello?" But to no avail, they kept running. Now, let's take a look at what's going on right now.

I am covered in red ink, waving eyeballs at a pair of flaming siamese clones, while a Chew--err, Space Monkey is chasing a crossdressing dark lord/lady around a table in a floating space station made entirely of cheese, all while a bunch of spandex clad clones scream and fight about Sam Neill.

No, I am not on crack.

Back to the story..
I dodged to the left, and sent Keyser/Dweezil #2 hurtling by. They happened to crash into the window, and, well, you know what happens when windows break in outer space. Things start to really suck. ::ducking fresh produce:: Keyser/Dweezil the next generation were instantly sucked out of the window, and, due to lack of oxygen, stopped flaming. Which I guess was good, as good as good can be when you're getting sucked out of a window. Chaos had ensued.

Penni was clinging to a pipe while the Space Monkey chewed on his/her ankles. Clones were flying everywhere.
The red ink was staining my shirt.
All in all, not a very good situation.
Fortunately for me, the table around which the Sam Neill arguers had been seated was lifted off its bolted supports and thrown into the now-gaping wound in the side of the cheese cloud. It plugged quite nicely, and everything fell to the ground. I glanced out the window to see Keyser/Dweezil Deep space 9 banging on the glass to get back in. Taking this distraction in stride, I shouted to my new companion. "Space Monkey! Let's move!"

S&M (as I may refer to him sometimes) quickly dropped Penni out of his mouth and bolted to the door. I followed suit, and we managed to escape the now bat-smacking hordes behind us.
"Rarrrrrr!"
"Yeah, that's right!"
So, with that expositionary moment, we headed for our destination. The cell block. Which is where we are waiting now, perched above the detention center on a nice little bench. Now, I'll ask this: Does anyone want off the cheese cloud? Cause, I mean, I have a Space Monkey to help. And we know how useful they can be. We can probably break some of you out of the cells...but where from there, I don't know. Uh, how about this? We...um...uh..oh, nevermind, that's stupid. We don't have any rocket launchers. Well, here's an idea. If anyone thinks of some way to get off of this stinking, uh, well, stinking cheese stinky thing, let me know, k? Muchos gracias. In the meantime, S&M and I will hang out here.

~Paul
Keeper of the only known siamese clones, and one space monkey

From Pendrella@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 16:18:41 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: (LABB) When the minutes feel like hours and the hours feel like days ...

I got let out of my cell today! I promised Penni I'd teach hir all about this new alpha-hydroxy moisturizer if she let me visit Carson. So I got to stop by his solitary cell for a bit...

ME: Hey, Carson, it's me, Trill!
CARSON: El chupacabra vive!
ME: Now Carson, if you keep talking about El Mundo Gira, we'll NEVER rescue you..
CARSON: Maria!
ME: *grumblegrumblegrumble* Now, Carson, don't tell Penni, but I brought you this Ally McBeal Pez dispenser. And, look, Penni also said you could have this TV so you don't miss Ally again! Of course, it's controlled by EnCat, and so you'll have to watch Hall of Heads videos until Monday night, but you can deal with that, can't you? <sweet li'l evil grin>
CARSON: Ooooh...purple rain.....la la la....
ME: All right. I'm going back to my cell now. Even Sami's incessant singing of MMMBlech is sounding good right now!
CARSON: El chupacabra vive!

--Trillian/Pendrella

From AnasaziBB@aol.com
Date: Sat, 4 Oct 1997 23:29:02 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Of Labmice and Men

EnCat:
[Hmmph. Shows what you know. Zac is 12. Oh, and BTW, I was ROFL]

And HAHAHAHAA!! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY!! PENNI WILL PROTECT ME!!! Besides that, I told hir about the Pez I "found" in your pocket and heshe is watching you now. (Thanks, Carson, for loaning me the Pez! <g>)

Debi said:
<< ::::::dodging a Hanson CD:::::::!!!!! >>
*GASP!* WHO THREW THAT??? Shame! Using Hanson CDs for uses not intended! Shame! Fine. All prisoners, four hours of "Lucy"!! (Don't touch me EnCat! There's more Pez where that came from! Nyahahahaaa!!)

Carson and Debi:
Hey wait! Why wasn't I informed that Flumina was a general? Harumph. Penni? He was *my* clone before he joined you! *Sniff* And I'm one of you now! *SNIFF* And you don't even tell me these things?? Penni?? **SNIFF**

*SNIFF* I'm beginning to believe that there's no one in the lab who likes Hanson except me and Penni. *SOB* ::::::clings to Penni:::::: Someone?? Anyone??? MAYBE I REALLY *WILL* REVOLT TO THE OTHER SIDE!! SERVES YOU ALL RIGHT!! BWAHAHAHAAAA!!!!

Whoops. I said that kinda loud. Good thing Penni was busy with a nail I just broke when I threw myself around hir neck and didn't hear me.

[story addition:]

I was patrolling along the prisoner cell block, when I decided to go check on Carson, as I was supposed to do periodically. Penni was in hir conference room, conferring with some of hir other genetic icons. I opened the window, and peered in, to see Carson digging in the floor.

Me: *What* are you doing?
Carson: (looking up) You'll never guess what I found!
Me: What?
Carson: There is a whole bunch of weapons hidden under the floor here! The problem is, when I tried shooting open the door, it bounced back and nearly took my head off, so I can't get myself out of here.
Me: Wow! I wonder if Penni knows about this ... Wait a sec! This used to be the weapons storage room, but they hastily cleared it out when they needed a spot for you! What's in there?
Carson: Oh, not all that much. But here is your "Loud Grasshopper" gun that they took away from you when you were first captured. And I think this is a flame-thrower ...

Suddenly, there were loud noises and shouting from the conference room. I heard a sucking noise, as if all the oxygen in the ship was being sucked out of the ship, then a thud, and it stopped. It was deadly quiet, then I heard a growling going toward the prison compound.

Me: Oh no! I'm supposed to be guarding everyone! EnCat's out picking up the pizza, cause Penni wanted to have an all night facial party, and seeing as she was "found" with that pez, she didn't want to dissuade Penni and possible make hir angry. I'd better go see what's going on or Penni's going to kill me!
Carson: Here, Sami, take this!

He handed me the Loud Grasshopper.

Carson: It's easily concealable, and has a lot of power. Good luck!

I ran out, stuffing the gun into my pocket.

I entered the prisoner cellblock quietly, peering around corners until I spotted Paul and the Space Monkey standing in front of the cells, talking to the prisoners. I got closer and closer, not sure what to do. Was there a way off this ship? Was there any way I could get out if I joined Paul and freed the prisoners? Where was Penni?

Paul: Penni is in the conference room, still in shock from the bite that my Space Monkey here gave him!

Well, that answered that question, at least. But how long would Penni be out? And EnCat was due back any minute. Was it worth giving up my pepperoni pizza with extra cheese to help a Hanson-hater?

I made my decision. I stepped out from behind the wall where I was hiding. The Space Monkey spotted me, and thinking I was a bad guy, jumped at me, growling and screaming. Frightened, I panicked, pulled my gun out from my pocket and shot it, and it stopped in midair, falling to the floor. I took a step back, and just then, Penni appeared in the doorway behind Paul. I pointed my gun that way.

Me: DON'T MOVE!!

But who was I talking to? Maybe you'll never know ...

See ya!

Sami :)

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Sun, 5 Oct 1997 02:39:49 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Ripening Jackfruit

There isn't a whole lot to report today...earlier, before the whole Sami fiasco, Penni came by to interrogate me again. This time, heshe pulled me out into the hall itself while Flumina, Ham and Ian trained their dustbusters on me.

ME: Hi Penni. How goes the raid on the Beiserville radio station?
PENNI: [adjusting hir kilt and settling into the chair] It hasn't begun yet...we've run across some technical difficulties. Now quit asking questions, I'm the interrogator here.
ME: Oh, sorry. Please, do begin whenever you're ready.
PENNI: [shining a halogen flashlight into my eyes] First question. Do you still think my hair is a little *too* red?
ME: [looking nervously at Flumina, Ham and Ian] Er...no. It's just lovely, Penni.
PENNI: [smiling smugly] That's *much* better. Second question. Why won't you renounce Pez?
ME: Because they represent all that is good and wonderful about the LABB!
PENNI: Huh?!
ME: Well, you know...they're, uh...sweet...and...and...
PENNI: Mmmm-hmmm. Next question. Would you ever start listening to -

[A group of clones charged through the hall, bearing a figure aloft on their shoulders]

CLONES: Co-mo! Co-mo! Co-mo!
PERRY COMO: Ooh! Er - hee hee! Whooooa...ha!
CLONES: Co-mo! Co-mo...co-mo...como...

[The sound of their voices faded as they ran away. I stared in amazement after them]

PENNI: Are you going to answer my question?

[Flumina, Ham and Ian loomed in menacingly]

ME: Oh - sorry, could you repeat it?
PENNI: Would you ever (wheeze) start listening to Perry Como?
ME: Um...well...sure. I mean, I like that kind of music. I wouldn't do it if it meant betraying the LABB, though.
PENNI: [smiling even more smugly] Mmmm-hmmm. Do you have anything against stinky cheese?
ME: Ewww, yes. I mean, I've had to live in a cheese hut for weeks. It's nasty. Do you know how ripe Roquefort gets after it's been in the warm LABBVille sun for days and days and days...?
PENNI: What can you tell me about...*this*? [holds up a used cappuccino cup]
ME: It's...a...hat. The traditional hat of the LabMice.
PENNI: Oh yeah? Why haven't I seen any of you wearing it before?
ME: Because...uh...

[Fortunately I was saved from having to answer further. Another group of clones came in, dragging a screaming figure between them]

CLONES: Yes, you have to! Perry Como is the Godfather of Music! Pez is the Lowest Form of Sustenance! Kilts and spangly silver tops are the Height of Fashion! You Must Conform!
QUEEN THUD: Noooooooooo! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!
CLONES: We are clones, hear us roar! Smack the bats unto the floor! Make the elves stop stealing planes! Hail CC and the Best Brains!
SHERMAN: And Beverly Cleary, too!
QUEEN THUD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!

[They tossed Queen Thud into the cell next to Trill, who has been trying to draw her out into conversation...to no avail. I guess the capture was too stressful for her.]

PENNI: Now...where were we?

[And again, saved.]

KEYSER and DWEEZIL (Mk II): Penni, could we see you for a moment? And you others as well.

[Clones were coming from all parts of the Death Cheese to file into a conference room; Penni, Ham, Flumina and Ian followed, after locking me back in my so-called "solitary" cell. (All of these visits sure have been nice...especially Trill's, since she brought me the television :D "Hall of Heads" is actually starting to grow on me...is that bad? Poor Trill, though, I don't think she quite understood my expressions of sheer happiness and gratitude upon seeing her...) Er, anyway, then the whole mess broke out and... *listens at door* Oh, goodness...what is Sami *doing* with that WiB gun?!]

Carson Maynard :>

From AbreeBB@aol.com
Date: Sun, 5 Oct 1997 06:03:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Worlds are colliding!

Well, I discovered something cool today! When I attatch a carefully configured transmitter made out of a broken Sega unit to Jay-Jay's head and turn on the radio, he can read Brian's thoughts! I thought it was just a cool looking hat he made, but as I was listening to the bickering voices of John and Ken on talk radio, I began to hear some shrieks.

ME: Jay-Jay? Quit shrieking, I told you that red hourglass on their stomach doesn't signify a thing...
JAY-JAY: But - but there are voices in my head!! They sound like mine, but they aren't!
ME: Honey, have you been drinking Paul's Windex again?
JAY-JAY: Yes, but that's not where these voices are coming from! One of them keeps babbling on about how people should quit yapping about the Promise Keepers, and - "
ME: Yes, I know, those are the men on the radio. They aren't voices in your head.
JAY-JAY: - the other one keeps saying that those bleeping Pez lovers will bow down to him or else he'll blow them to smithereens with his Giant Death Ray which will play "Prisoner of Love" at roughly 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 decibles and will be heard by over 3/4 of the population of the Earth.
ME: WHAT???
JAY-JAY: And the other voice is saying that Disney's "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" should've been given a rating of "PG" due to that whole Hellfire sequence, and - "
ME: WAIT! What was the second one like?
JAY-JAY: It's the one that sounds like me! And now it's saying that Lady Penni really wants to play "A Hubba-Hubba-Hubba" instead but he thinks "Prisoner of Love" is much richer in character - "
ME: Dear Lord or person of similar religious status! That's Brian!
JAY-JAY: Abree, what is "Hellfire" anyway?
ME: Forget that! What else is he saying about the Giant Death Ray?
JAY-JAY: Oh, he thinks that it should be complete by Christmas Eve, noonish, and that it's fortunate no one can possibly be able to find out since there's no such things as telepathy.
ME: Oh no! I better go tell every - hey! "Devil Doll" is on! Eh, Christmas Eve is awhile off anyway. Why don't you go see if you can read Michael Eisner's thoughts until this is over, okay Jay-Jay?
JAY-JAY: Oh, is he the one saying that he never remembered agreeing to that bleeping Rocketman movie?
ME: That's him. Go to your hut, dear.

So...Devil Doll was pretty good, huh? Heh.

All right, who here knows how to dismantle a Death Ray?

~Abree~

From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Sun, 5 Oct 1997 17:51:28 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: (LABB) Worlds are colliding!

Brian took my *Ninja Turtle* pez dispenser...says he is going to *rig* them to play Perry Como* music!!!

From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 14:23:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Duc goes Hunting (LABB(

I went shopping last night for a few things to bring along for my task to find Dolenz and Peter. The cashier was talking to this kid in front of me who was wearing a "monkees" T-shirt. The cashier said that she saw Micky Dolenz in the store, along with Peter Tork. Automatically, I asked how old they were. The cashier (who was about 16) looked at me really weird and said that they were the age of that they were in the TV show. She giggled and said that Peter was crying on Micky's shoulder. I first pointed out that the "Monkees" tv was started in 1966, and this was 1997. I reminded her that the boys she sees on TV are A LOT older.

Then she said that there was another guy with them, a red-head. Then she pulled out this necklace she was wearing. I about fell over. It was Dolenz's necklace! She said he dropped it. i told her it was his and that I would give it back. After a struggle, she gave it to me.

She also said that the red-head said something about taking them to North Dakota. So, i'll be back with Peter and my baby Dolenz.

L8R!

~LabMouse Ducovny~~O8>
I'm on a mission. Don't bother me.

From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 20:19:45 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Duc changes the subject and announces an arrival (LABB)

My search for Dolenz and Peter has gone pretty well. I flew to North Dakota today (after I got that pic) and automatically asked around the airport for three guys, one crying, one mean-looking, and one with this terrified look on his face. A few said that they saw Micky Dolenz and Peter Tork (heavy,grumpysigh) and pointed me in the directon of a cabbie. I asked his cabbie some questions and he's (right now) driving me to where he dropped off the threesome. I hope to find them there. <crosses fingers>

~LabMouse Ducovny~~O8>

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 21:38:54 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: Re: <G>Golden Greeshien Goblets Guarentee Graves (LABB)

Well, I came home from my long weekend of working, and and checked my messages. the police said theyw ould keep me informed if they spotted my clones and the best thing for me to do was to go about my normal life and hope they hear word. Can you believe it?? Like how the heck amd I supposed to work knowing my sweet Sully with psycho tendencies clone napped my sweet Peter and a clone that's not even mine!! And one of my co workers wondered why i was in such a bad mood.

So I race home and check my voice mail, like I always do and I was happy to hear a broken dial tone indicating a message! It was Duc!!!!!! our beloved clones had been spotted so she was heading for north Dakota. My first thaught, What would Sully do in N. Dakota! So I grabbed the bag I had kept packed and rushed off for the Air port. The ticket prices were outragageous! They wanted 15 raisens for the round trip!!! I did not argue since lives were in danger. It was one of the longes flights, but it finaly set down gently in North Dakota. AS soon as i pushed through all the other poeple.. er mousies?... I ran to the terminal and started asking question. The dead head at my terminal was smoking pot or osmething and only kept describin the colors of a prism or something. the next terminal, I had better luck. he had seen Duc and said she had taken off in a cab after 3 guys. I doffed my navy wool hat and took off for the nearest taxi. I described my situation to the fat, hairy driver and he got on his radio and located the taxi Duc was in. the driver floored it to their location, expertly dodging all these freaky little cars. I gave the driver a wad of bills and ran up to duc. It took all i had not to start crying. We were so close!!

I looked at the delapitated building were had been sent too. What would Sully want in there, and how was my poor Peter holding up? I fished through my back pack and located my handy flash light. "ready?" I asked Duc, who nodded. the dooor creaked as we pushed it open. not a sound was heard, not even the gentle weeps of a frightened Peter. I sniffled at the realiziation that if they were here, thry were most likely gone.

I was about ready to say as much, when my light shone upon a familiar object! "EEEIIIEE!!" I squeaked. There, in the light of my flash light was a shoe string. I held it up for better light. It was my Peters!! "They were here." I told Duc.

_mel
In search of her clones

From SrGunther@aol.com
Date: Mon, 6 Oct 1997 23:11:33 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) If I happened to be Jewish, I'd probably be saying "Oy Vey!"

Now, the story continues..

ME: Space Monkey! Are you okay???
S&M: Rarrrrrrrrr! Rar rah rarrrr rarrr rarr! Ra rarr!
ME: That's very nice, I'm glad you like cereal. But are you wounded?
S&M: Raaaahhhhhhhgghhheerrrrrrr!
ME: WiB gun blast-proof vest? I'm impressed. Where'd ya get that?
S&M: Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!
ME: What the hell were you doing at the mall?
S&M: Raaaar rarrr.......rar.
ME: You spent all my money at the *arcade*? I was saving that cash!
S&M: Rarrrrrrr! Rar rarrrrr rraaar!
ME: I don't care if the flashy colors of "Midnight Death-a-thon" enthralled you! It's $2 a game!
S&M: Raaar. Rarr rraar!
ME: Fine, apology accepted. But when we get off this cloud, you're gonna have to do some serious lawn-mowing to get my money back.
S&M: Rarrr! Rarrr rarrr rarr!
ME: Then we'll get a new lawnmower! You have to stop eating these things!
S&M: Rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
ME: Oh, don't cry...Aw, c'mon, I'm a sucker for weepy masses of fur...
S&M: Rarrrr.
ME: Yes, I'm you're friend, you can have a cookie, and all is well.
SAMI: Ahem. <unholstering gun>
ME: Oh, uh, hi Sami. No more politics, k?
SAMI: Politics? Pshaw, I've got better things to do than that. <raising WiB blasto thingy>
ME: Put it down, Sami. Shooting is bad. Bad, not good.
SAMI: But it's so fun. Hehe, and all those who speak against my boys must pay.
S&M: Rarrrrrrrrr?
SAMI: First of all, that's disgusting. Secondly, you know very well who I'm talking about.
<Sami steps aside and pulls down a suddenly-appearing curtain>
SAMI: Mmmbop....mmmbop...mmmbop....mmmbop...
ME: My God! Did you really need to build a shrine? Isn't that going a little too far?
SAMI: Nothing's too far when Hanson's involved! Besides, you're going to hurt them! Bad Paul!
ME: No one's going to hurt your 3 little friends, Sami. Hehe, except Brinson. She was gonna feed them to the dinosaurs from the Lost World and dunk them in a pit of acidic tapioca...Oops.
S&M: RARRRRR!
ME: I am very aware that that was out loud. I suggest we run.
SAMI: <tensing around trigger> Oh really? Running won't help you! Get them, boys!
<Amazingly, the 3 Hanson statues from the shine rise up and reveal their true identities, none other than the truthful Demonic Triumverate!>
LITTLE HANSON: We're free! C'mon, let's get away from the scary lady!
BIG HANSON: I thought we'd never get out.
MIDDLE HANSON: I look like a girl!
BIG HANSON: We're aware of that. Let's move!
ME: It seems your plot has failed, Sami!
SAMI: Nooooo...it can't be! YOU ALL MUST DIE! <grabs stereo and cranks volume to maximum..."Where's the Lame-er, love" blares throughout the cheese cloud, overwhelming the distant strains of Perry Como.>
S&M: Raiiiiiiiiir! Rarrrr!
ME: Shield you ears, Space Monkey! Don't let the sound get in!
<Paul and Space Monkey start humming "Oscar Meyer Weiner" song to block out the noise>
LITTLE HANSON: Ahhh! That sucks!
MIDDLE HANSON: Shut up! That's us!
BIG HANSON: But...we're good! Despite not playing our own instruments, or even writing all the songs, we rule! Millions of teenage girls can't be wrong!
ME: You've sold a million CD's? That's pathetic. People are stupid, huh?
MIDDLE HANSON: Teehee, yeah!
BIG HANSON: Shut up! He's talking about us!
MIDDLE HANSON: Oh.
SAMI: <meanwhile moving in a frightening rhythm of bouncing> That's enough. It is time! <raising gun once more>
<Suddenly, Penni bursts through the conference room door>
PENNI: Huh? What's going on here? <Sami looks around, confused at where her gun should go>
ME: Space Monkey! Do that voodoo that you do so well!
S&M: RARRRRRRRR! <picking up one of Sami's "Middle of Nowhere" CD's> <SNAP> <CRUNCH> <CRACK>
SAMI: Aiiiiiiiieee! The....the PAIN! It...it HURTS! So much...PAIN! AHHHHHH! MMMM...MMM.....MMMM.....BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP! <Sami stumbles as she begins to succumb to Space Monkey's voodoo madness> BEEEEEOOOOOOOP!
<The gun has discharged!>
PENNI: Eeeeek! <dodging behind S&M>
S&M: Raarrr! <dropping to ground>
PENNI: Eeeeek! <dropping to ground>
ME: Gahh! <throwing myself on ground like a true hero would>
<The WiB bolt bounces off the wall and richochets into the Hansons!>
HANSONS: EEEEEEEEEK! <collapsing to the floor unconsciously, beginning to simmer>
SAMI: No! No! Zach! Taylor! Other one! Get up! Get up! <looking at S&M, Penni and me> You killed them! You killed them!
ME: Uh, actually, you fired the gun.
SAMI: Oops, you're right...well, you didn't get hit by the bolt! So it's your fault!
ME: Note the lack of remorse.
PENNI: Eeeek! <running away into some dark corner of the cheese cloud to cower>
S&M: Raaaaarrrr?
ME: No one really knows, Space Monkey. Man or woman, you decide.
SAMI: <looking at fallen pop-singers> Death matters not. I can rebuild them. Make them faster. Wiser. Stronger.
ME: Quick, Space Monkey! She's not looking! Let's go!
<Space Monkey and myself creep off to shelter, shelter being in yet another darkened corner of the cell block area. We're not doing too well with accomodations, are we?>

So, once again, I've made no progress. Seems to be a slight trend. Well, that's all for now. Replies and more to come tomorrow.