From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Tue, 7 Oct 1997 16:06:46 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Think there's a Wal*mart in Fargo? (LABB)

a report on Mel and my adventure
on finding our clones

Since Mel finally decided to join me in finding our sweet clones, (((MEL! You came!!))) we continued our search through the old building, finding nothing more than the shoestring. We were ready to get back into the cab until Mel stepped on something that crunched rather loudly. Looking down, we see a broken fortune cookie. We both took a closer look, and after bonking our heads together, Mel picked up the slip of paper that was inside. "You will travel a great distance to seek what you are looking for," she read aloud. "DUH!" She added. I turned the paper over and it read, "Your lucky numbers are 27, 1, 35, 20." I kept the paper as the driver took Mel and I back to town.

Mel was pasing back and fourth in the dreary pea-green colored $15 a night-motel room trying to figure out where our next lead should go. I was on the phone to Torkie, hoping that the house was still in once peace. Thankfully, Micky was still on the couch, eating a bit at a time and Torkie kept the Cartoon Network on constantly. I said bye to them, hanging up the phone. Then it hit me. (ouch)

After I sreamed "MEL!" and franticaly told her my idea, I quickly grabbed the fortune slip and dialed the numbers on the back. 271-3520.

"Hello, this is Chrissy at Wal*Mart, what may I do you for?"
"Hi. Where is this Wal*mart, please?"
"On the corner of North and Roan."
"I mean.. where? What state?"
"Why, Fargo, North Dakota."
"right. *sigh* Is there a Sully Pendrell there, please?"
"One moment please."
Five minutes later, the phone picked up. "Hello?" The voice sounded suspecious.
"Sully?" I asked.
The phone hung up and Mel and I were out the door quicker than a twinkling. (which is.. oh.. about 2.5 seconds)

More later!

~LabMouse Ducovny~~O8>

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Tue, 7 Oct 1997 19:27:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: (LABB) Rj's "Radio Retribution"!!!

The Clone Revolt, part LXVII (it's big)
"RADIO RETRIBUTION"
or "Remember WENN?"

So it came to pass that Emperor Brian, under the aupcious of the Glorious Evil Overlord of All, ordered his Rebel Clone forces to sieze the Labville radio station in order to play the exhaulted Perry Como 24 hours a day. Unfortunately, the only radio staion in Labbville, "All Polka, All the Time" WWAL 690 on the AM dial, had been burned to the ground months before after a wild party at the Lab Bar got out of hand. So, Emperor Brian ordered Lord/Lady Penni to strike at nearby Beiserville, now the temporary sanctaury of the LABB, to seize that town's radio stations in order to play the exhaulted Perry Como 24 hours a day.

Meanwhile, General Dweezil had been promoted to Grand Air Marshall of the Death Cheese, while Lt EnCat was promoted to Chief Engineer of the Death Cheese, mainly in order to get the systems-crashing Windows 95 working again, as well as the Rapid Ultraviolet-light Stimulated Hotair (R.U.S.H) Limburger Death Ray and the Methane-Gas-Producting Stinky Cheese Turbine and Lift Engines. (Congrats, EnCat!)

LordLady Penni, aided by Field Generals Oz & Keyser saw that there were in fact 3 stations in Beiserville; WROX 96, a 50,000 watt commerical rock station, WBTU, the 2500watt non commercial station of the Beiserville Techical Institute, and WOOF, the 5000 watt AM outlet for Radio Disney. So, Lord/Lady Penni decided that General Oz would take WBTU, General Keyser would take WOOF, and that he would persoanl oversee the taking of the more powerful and long-reaching WROX. Lord/Lady Penni also decreed that Captain Cy and Lt Ham would accompany him, Captains Hannibal and Tiger would assist General Oz, and that the newly commissioned LT Sami would help General Keyser. The main force would be armed with the prized Perry Como CD Box set (available from Harvestland Records!), seconday forces were to be equipted with half each of the Perry Como vinyl collection, wich consisting of 13 pre 1970 records, 2 copies of "A Perry Como Christmas", and RJ's parent's old "Ford Family of Fine Music" 8-track they got with the 1972 Mercury Town & Country station wagon; the very same 8-track tape that RJ had used to get Ducy out of the Rebel Clones' evil cluctches last month in order that she could go see the Monkees in Memphis with Mel because, deep down, he was still truely in love with her.

And the ATTACK BEGAN AT Midnight!!

Well, actually 11 since Emperor Brian ordered their clocks turned back on the first day of Fall instead of Oct 26th.

Anyhoo...

Part 1: "WOOFin' Cookies"

Keyser and Sami lead their 25 PerryTroopers (Pendwyn, Fulmina and Dewwzil Mk2s) to the north side of Beiserville where WOOF was located. They crept through the woods and then through tall grass, the blinking red beacon on the antennea guiding them.

Sami: This Sure is isolated out here! Are you sure this is where the WOOF studios are located?
Keyser: Yes! Lord/Lady Peni said it was, therefore it must be!"
Sami: "Oh, that's reassuring!"
Keyser: "Do you not believe the word of Lord/Penni? Or would you rather munch on Pez?!?!?"
Sami: "Uh...NO!!! I...I...was...just..thinking...that...uh, maybe some evil Pez Eater might have moved the station somewhere else so they can play, their...uh...evil... uh... Macarena Music and They Might Be Giants CDs!"
PerryTroopers: "Grrrrrr!!!!! Death to Pez-Eatin', Macarena dancin', They-Might-be-Giants listenin', Bat-lovin' LABB People!"

The PerryTrooper jumped to their feet and rushed the door with their Dustbusters buzzing and Anti-Bat Badmitton rackets swishing! Unfortunately, they all got stuck in the open doorway, so Sami and General Keyser had to spend 10 minuets prying them out; 4 Perrytroopers were mushed to death, 6 others were badly injured, and 5 were slightly inijured. Soon, they all burst in screaming their battlecry:

ALL: "I AM CLONE, HEAR ME ROAR! SMACK THE BATS UNTO THE FLOOR. MAKE THE ELVES STOP STEALING PLANES! HAIL CC AND THE BEST BRAINS!!"

Suddenly, it dawned on Sami that there was no one in the station besides them! "What the..." she muttered admidst the cheering of the PerryTroopers. Suddenly, she realized the horrible truth--WOOF was Fully AUTOMATED!!. "Hey you clones! This Station is Automated!" she cried. General Keyser seemed puzzled. "So? We took it with only 16% casualties!" Sami shook her head, "No, casualties included the injured. We took it wih 45% casulaties." "Curse the Bad Door!" screamed the uninjured PerryTroopers, who imediately began hacking at the broken door with their butterknifes. "But we have possession of the station!" said General Keyser. "we accomplished our mission!"

Sami shook her head again. "You Doof! There's no record player to play the Perry Como records! They get their signel from...Dallas Texas!" "Dallas Texas?!?!!" cried the shocked perrytroopers. "You are kidding me!" General Keyser said unconvinced.

Sami walked over to a control panel. "See, here's the signel coming from Dallas...." She turned a switch.

****"Toatlly Awesome! Hi, this Ben & Iggy for Radio Disney, and just before we announce the name of The Radio Disney Totally Tamaguchi Super Kewl Winner of the Day Mega-Winner, here's our #1 song of the Summer!!!"****

Sami, Keyser & ALL: "WOW!!! HANSON!!! Mmmmmmmm-Bop! MM-MM-MM-Bop!!! MMM-mmmmm-mmm-Bop!!!"

So Sami, Keyser, and the perrytroopers all started dancing to the hip teen sounds of America's answer to the Spice Girls and promptly forggot all about Perry Como, bats, Pez, and being mean to the LABB......

PART 2: "Bachmann Turner Underdrive"

Meanwhile, General Oz, aided by Captains Hannibal and Tiger led their group of 35 PerryTroopers to tackle the lower powered, but fully FM edcuacational band station, WBTU. "That way," Penni said, "We can get government or student fee funding!" Well, the company crept it's way onto Beiserville Tech campus, which was silent since Monday Night Football on over at "Hooter's" and it was $1 a pitcher of "Duffweiser" night as well. (so you can tell where all the guys were). Tiger was sent to the roof with 5 PerryTroopers to secure the Transmitter tower, while Hannibal and his A-Team force of Face, BA and Murdoch snuck into the Student center and captured 4 foreign exchange students who were watching Indian Movie musicals, and the Night Monitor who was breaking into the Perk Cola machine. Pleased with the lack of resistance, Oz ordered his troops forward to the studios of WBTU!

Suddenly...the sounds of Perry Como greeted them!!! Oz looked at Will, who was charged with carrying the Perry Como Records (including RJ's parent's old "Ford Family of Fine Music" 8-track they got with the 1972 Mercury Town & Country station wagon; the very same 8-track tape that RJ had used to get Ducy out of the Rebel Clones' evil clutches last month in order that she could go see the Monkees in Memphis with Mel because, deep down, he was still truely in love with her.) and said, "What the Pez is going on?" Will shrugged as the the Perrytroopers made their way through the staion until the reached the open door of the DJ booth and discovered...

CLONES: "RJ??? What are YOU doing here??"

Yes, it was RJ, decked out in slicked back hair, suspenders, and a wild tie. He was cueing up a vinyl record.

RJ: "Hey you swinging cats! I'm doing my "Swing Shift Nostalgia Big Band Jazz Show"! I'm a drafting instructor here at Beiserville Tech and I get 2 hours a week to play the Hottest music of the 20s, 30s, 40, and 50s! Got a request?"
Oz: "Uh...Perry Como?
RJ: "I AM playing Perry Como! Listen to those mellow tones! I could play Perry Como All Night!"
Oz: You mean....?
CLONES: "All Day...All Night...twenty-four hours... ::pelvic thrusts:: OOH! OOH!!"
RJ: You know what I like!! Hey! Is that a "Ford Family of Fine Music" 8-track with Perry Como on it?"
Will: "Uh, sure! Can you play it!"
RJ: "Yeah! Just after THESE Perry Como records!"
Clones: Hoo-ray! RJ is on OUR SIDE now!!
Tiger: Wait a minute...this could a trick...RJ...would you like some nice, tangy sweet...cherry Pez from a Dolly Parton Pez Dispencer??"
RJ: "Pez?? I'd rather eat gravel! "
Tiger: "I'm convinced."
Clones: "Hoo-ray! RJ really IS on our side!!!"

So, Will left RJ with the Perry Como records, and Oz's forces marched proudly back to the Death Cheese, knowing that RJ was on their side and Perry Como was being played All day, all night, 24 hours a day (ooh, Ohh). Luckily, they did not have a radio with them...

RJ: "Alright, Big Band Babbies! That was two song tunes requested by the Golden Aches Retirement Home, who needed their weekly Perry Como fix. And right after this PSA for The Cousteau Society and a plug for WBTU's Bluegrass show, we'll hear 3 songs by the best be-bopping band of the 990s....SQUIRREL NUT ZIPPERS!!!!!!!!

Part 3: "WROCKin in the Free World"

Lord/Lady Penni, clad in his/her best "Midnight Commando" make-up (it's hyperallergenic!) marched his/her 30 PerryTroopers, 5 PerryAnnouncers, 5 PerryTechs, 2 PerryLegals, 4 PerryMedics, and Captain Cy and LT Ham. Upon nearing WROX, Penni ordered Ham to lead his 5-clone "Squealing Commandos" squad and 2 PerryTechs over the wall and seize the the transmitter shack and tower. To which Ham and his team did just fine, although they ripped their kilts on the barbed wires.

Penni: "Those pez-eating Weird Al (wheeze) fans of the LABB may (wheeze) have it booby-trapped, since they know they can't (wheeze) stop us!" he/she whispered "Mon Capi-tan Cy, you are ordered to (wheeze) take the building at my command!"
Cy: "Which is?"
Penni: "Mon Capi-Tan Cy, TAKE the (wheeze) BUILDING!"
Cy and the PerryTroopers raced towards the building and flung themselves up against the walls. Cy took out a pair of bolt cutters and smashed the glass door; Perrytroopers hioping in and spreading out!

The DJ on the air had just played the ad for the "13 1/2 Weeks Adult Novelty store" and was settling down for a long set of classic rock and marry-wanna smoking, when Cy, clad in his orange and pink kilt, red cape, silver tank top, raspberry beret (like the kind you'd find in a second hand store), and holding a loaded Dustbuster to his head.

Cy: "Freeze, you Perry-Hating, Pez- Eating Hophead!"
DJ: "Uh, Dude? Is this, like, a raid, like ya know?"
Cy: Consider yourslef a Prisoner of the PerryMilitary Squadron (PMS) of the Pez-Haters Organized by Emperor Brian the Eternal (PHOEBE)!"
DJ: Huh? Yer not some gag thought up by the Morning Wreaking Crew Zoo?
Cy: "No! I am Captain Cy Pendrell, under the flag of LordLady Penni of the Pith! Your Conquering Overlord! Now bow to me and swear alliegance to Perry Como, Beverly Clery, and Emperor Brian the Eternal (EBE)..."
DJ: Dude? What are you on, man? I'd like to try some!!"

Just then, accompanied by his Top 10 Perrytroopers Supreme, Lord/Lady Penni strod in as the rest of the unit began pouring into the station, knocking over plants, spilling perk cola, tearing up magazines, and ripping down graphic representaion of all non-Perry Como-related musical acts, which of course, was respresented by everything. 5 PerryTroopers had captured the night engineer who was relieiving himself in the men room-- with a copy of something Mulder would read...

Penni: You there, Beiserville Radio (wheeze) Personnel! Consider yourselves to be my (wheeze) Prisoners!
Radio Dewdes: "Who are you?"
Penni: I am Lord/Lady Penni of the (wheeze) Pith! Second only to his (wheeze) highest Emperor Brian the Eternal (EBE)!
DJ: Like wow man, who does your fashion? It's so, so...far-out man!"

WHAP!!! Penni clobbered the restrained Dj with his Wiffle Club. "It's Time to play....PERRY COMO!!!

ALL: "WE ARE CLONES, HEAR US ROAR! SMACK THE BATS UNTO THE FLOOR. MAKE THE ELVES STOP STEALING PLANES! HAIL CC AND THE BEST BRAINS!! YEH, PERRY!!! YEA PERRY! YEAAAAAAA PERRY COMO CLUB!"

Penni looked down with distain at the blinking tape player. "Pez-it! No (wheeze) record Player! Sgt Cy Mk2! Give me the (whheze) Perry Como CD Box Set!!!" At which Penni was handed the CD box set and he/she popped out the cds already in, inluding the one that was already playing. taking the microphone in hand, Penni Screamed "I AM CLONE, HEAR ME (wheeze) ROAR! SMACK THE (wheeze) BATS UNTO THE FLOOR. MAKE THE ELVES STOP (wheeze) STEALING PLANES! HAIL CC AND THE (wheeze) BEST BRAINS!!"

The Engineer raised his hand. "Uh, you have to turn it on first..."

Penni glared at the interloper. "Silence him!", at which Cy and ten Perrytroopers dragged him into the men room and flushed his head repeatedly.

"Ehem...were the on button, ah! :::click::: "Attention CItizens of (whheze) Beiserville! This is Lord/Lady Penni of the Pith, speaking to you on behalf of (whheze) your new Ruler Emperor Brian the Eternal (EBE). Please (wheeze) Surrender now. Resistance is Fruitless. And now we shall (wheeze) pay homage to our Spiritual Leader (wheeze) Perry Como by playing his Songs....
Clones: "All Day...All Night...twenty-four hours... ::pelvic thrusts:: OOH! OOH!!"

And thus for another 12 minutes, Penni and his PerryTroopers played the Sacred Perry Como over the airwaves of Beiserville. While taking the 100th angry phone call, Penni heard a disburbing noise at teh front. Sounds of Squealing clones and sicking, sloppy thuds.

Suddenly... a BIG HAIRY SMELLY LEATHER CLAD BIKER kicked open the Studio Door, accompanied by 4 others!!!

Penni: "Who are (wheeze) you, Big, Hairy, Smelly, Leather Clad (wheeze) Biker?"
Biker: Ma name is Billy Bob Biker! And what the bleep are you playing on the bleepin air?
Penni: The Exhauted (wheeze) Perry Como!! Now who are Those Smaller, Hairy, Smelly, Leather Clad (wheeze) Bikers behind you?"
Bikers: I'm Biker Joe Bob! I'm Biker Cylde! I'm Biker Darrin! I'm Rat Fink LaBoo-Boo!" (oddly Biker Cylde was wearing a Vancouver Canuks hat and a "Gillian Forever" tattoo, while Biker Darrin looked a lot like Eddie Van Blundht...)
Billy Bob Biker: Perry Bleepin Who? I was listenin' to my Dozen I Deserve whichI been waitin fer all bleepin day! I was Takin' it to the Streets" by the Doobie Brothers when this wimpy, whiny bleepin' bleep comes on! And I wanna hear "Beer Drinkin' and Hell Raisin'" by ZZ Top!
RatFink: "Flirtin' with Disaster" by Molly Hatchet!
Biker Joe Bob: "Slow Ride" by Foghat!
Biker Cylde: "Riders in the Sky" by the Outlaws!
Biker Darrin: "Rockin' into the Night" By .38 Special!
Billy Bob: "Born to be Wild" by Steppenwolf!
RatFink: "Hey Jim Dandy" by Black Oak Arkansas!
Biker Joe Bob: "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath!
Biker Cylde: "Amadeus" by Falco!"
Biker Darrin: "Space Truckin'" by Deep Purple!

All the Bikers: "And our Theme Song by LYNYRD SYKNYRD...." "FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBIRD!! FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBIRD!! YEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWW!!!"

Penni; Leonard Who?? Get out of (wheeze) here! We've taken over the (wheeze) radio station and we are going to (whheze) play Perry Como...
Clones: "All Day...All Night...twenty-four hours... ::pelvic thrusts:: OOH! OOH!!"

The Bikers just stared. Billy Bob pulled out a switchblade. Suddenly Cy came back from the bathroom.
CY: "Billy Bob! What are YOU doing here???"
Penni: "MOn capi-tan Cy! You know this (wheeze) barbarian?
Billy Bob Biker: "And you the Bleep are you, sissy skirt boy?"
Cy: It's me! Cy Pendrell! We used to ride with you! DOn't you remember?"
Billy Bob Biker: You Bleeping bleeps have 1 bleeping minute to get my bleeping Dozen I Deserve bleeping on, or we're gonna bleep your bleeping bleeps all over bleeping Beiserville!"

Penni remained defiant. "Mon Capi-tan Cy, Dispatch this (whheze) smelly miscreat at (wheeze) once!!!"
Cy gulped and as he took one step, Billy Bob then whacked him over the head with a poolcue. Penni screamed and reached for the Perry Como CD box set as the Biukers began pummeling the rest of the PerryTroopers, PerryTechs, PerryLegals, and PerryMedics. Penni discovered there was no way out until BillyBob Biker threw Cy out the window. Penni bolted out the window and raced for the transmitter where Ham and his PerryTroopers were roasting twinkies over the glowing radio tubes.

"We've been attacked!" Penni wheezed. "we're being massacred! We need to retrat to the safety of teh Death Cheese...
Ham: LOOK! :pointing at building::

Just then, a Harley roared up; a tight black leather-clad woman with spiked high heeled boots and red hair cascading down from her jet black helmet astride it. She looked at the unconscious body of Cy and and clapped. "Well! Look what I found! My long lost Pendrell clone! You've been a bad boy and will need to be disciplined!" she exclaimed, pulling out a whip. Penni squealed and the survivors bolted for the Death Cheese....

Part 4: The Conconculsion

LATER...In Emperor Brian Cheese Palace Throne Room...

Dweezil: "Uh, Your Worshipness, General Oz is back from the Beiserville front..."
Brian: "So Soon? HA! I bet the LABB forces are in full retreat! Let him in!"
Court Clones: HAIL, HAIL GENERAL OZ! A BIG SUCCESS IN OUR CAUSE! HEAR HIM ROAR! SMACK THE BATS UNTO THE FLOOR! MAKE THE ELVES STOP STEALING PLANES! HAIL CC AND THE BEST BRAINS!!" ::applauding::
Oz: Thank you, thank you all... Please don't stop..."
Brian: General Oz! I assume you were successful in taking WBTU and converting them to Perry Como All Day, All Nite, 24 hours, Ooh! Ooh! ::pelvic thrust::
Oz: Successful beyound our wildest dreams! Not a clone lost, we took 5 prisoners, and discovered RJ had come over to our side and was playing Perry Como already!!
Brian: ::blicks:: Say what???
Court Clones: Uh,oh... someone's gonna get it....
Oz: I said, Successful beyound our wi...."
Brian: Uh, kinly skip to the part about RJ palying Perry Como..."
Oz: Oh! Yes! We found RJ decked in 1940s clothes playing Our Exhaulted Perry Como!
Brian: YOU IDIOT!!! IT WAS A TRICK!!! RJ IS OUR MOST SWORN VILLIANOUS FOE! HE RESCUED NEARLY ALL OUR LABB PRISONERS AND DISABLE THE DEATH CHEESE!!!
Oz: But he swore he hated Pez!
Brian: HE LIED, YOU BAT BRAINED BOOB! You are hereby Courtmartialed and reduced in rank to Personal Latrine Orderly! P.L.O.!!! Get him out of here!"

So Oz was dragged off and given a mop and pail to clean the Death Cheese bathrooms. Then Communications Officer Lt Fulmina strod in looking dire...

Fulmina: Your Worshipness! I have terrible News!
Brian: What is it? ::wincing::
Fulminia: It....it's from General Keyser...he's...he's defected.
Court Clones: Defective or Defecticated?
Brian: Oh Pez... WHAT DO YOU MEAN DEFECTED???
Fulumina: "It..it..was Lt Sami...she got them turned onto...Hanson..."
Court Clones: "Hanson? Eeeeeee-uuuuuuuu!!!"
Brian: "I'm going to kill myself..."

RJ, LABB Parody Prince

Author's Note: No, I do not listen to classic rock biker music, but boy, the newest HAnson song sure sounds like "Free Ride" by Foghat...

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 1997 01:14:44 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Prissy Argentinian Beauties Love Oleo

I received a note from Penni today. It quite surprised me...

---

From PenniPLaBB@aol.com
Date: Tue, 7 Oct 1997 03:06:18 -0400 (EDT)

Carson!!! Do not fear Penni dahling!! I have come to you in need of help!! I fear for my life as I must get back to Odie...she needs me!! Uni is here to help me & Sherman get out!! Oh...yes...we got to take Nick too!! And if you see...::::::looks around::::: King Brian....oh...you will see King Brian as you will have to assist him or take him down!! Do not kill him as Abree is my bestest friend & she would never forgive me!! or us!!

See?? Trillian gave you your Pez dispenser back...good as Uni brought in a *whole supply of ammo for them!! Here's 2 boxes for you!!! We have enough dispensers & ammo for me<Penni>, Uni & Sherman!!

I will leave the *cell* open er..unlocked.....just stop ranting about EMG for one minute & help us leave!! I have to get out of Brian's insanity!!! BATS, BATS, ahem...excuse me!! Side effect, I was told!!

Uni promised that I would get Sherman back safely!! I have to leave!! I cannot bear to be in this fight any longer!! I have lots of cosmetics to sell, Tupperware party soon, & oh:::::::::in walks a bunch of Nuns in full wear:::::::::::::

Penni: "Carson? (Wheeze)<--why do I do that??> I want you to meet...well..you know UNI & Sherman & Sister Fenity, Gerda, Reatha, Masoon, Dr. Fuller Bull, Kaitlan, Nick, Digsley, Dugsley, Snuffy Jo, da Judge, Shirley, Bob(Odie's Parole Officer), Muffin, Mannequin<held by Jeffrey, oh & Jeffrey, Ashley, Jessica, & of course Penni<me>!!! We are all leaving tonight!! We should meet up with Duc soon in North Dakota!! I do not know where her clone Dolenz is or Sully!! We will help her!! Please make the elves..I mean Brian stop stealing..uh...stop the Revolution!! I heard you were the *El Mundo Gira* Avenger...so you can use the Pez dispenser...your Miss Piggy one & here is another Ninja Turtle one & a Snoopy one & you can also use your *trusty fungus-infested cashews* & here is a *Grasshopper gun* from UNI!!! So...we leave all in your hands!! We must go as Brian shall be up soon...lurking & such!!!! He is a *stabber* so watch your back!! Now we must go!!::::::::::everyone but Penni files out:::::: Carson?? (((((CARSON))))!!!

Thank you & you will be on my show as soon as I get back to Odie!!"

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::Penni leaves. All is very quiet:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

***************************************************************************************

---

I have to say that "surprised" really doesn't quite cover it. I'm now in possession of three illegal Pez dispensers and more Pez than I know what to do with, along with a wicked WiB gun. I've stashed it all in the ammo cache under the floor until I get the chance to make my move. I need to discuss things with Sami so we can co-ordinate...

Carson Maynard :>

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 1997 10:48:53 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: <<LABB>> IN search of clones

I held on to the oh my god handle for dear life as the taxi peeled across 6 lanes of traffic to pull in to Wal-Mart. As soon as we raced out of the car, I realized that little white flakes were falling out of the sky. It took me a moment to realize God was not having a serious dandruff problem, but it was actually snow. It had been so long since i had seen the stuff being fromthe South, that i had to reorient myself. Proabbly figured I'd better buy a coat from Wal-mart as I was only wearing a t-shirt and jeans. But first thigns first. Duc and I ran to the customer service desk. "I'm looking for a Sully Pendrell" I all but screamed at the scared looking blonde.

She blinked before answering. "Um, well, we can not give out any information on our employees."

"EMPLOYEES!!" Duc and I screamed in unison.

"That's right." She answered in a snotty way. I decided she was probably a chi-o in her former life.

"lIsten lady, you don't understand. That red head is under my care." What was I going to say, he's my clone? she's one of those unbelieving types.

"He's kidnapped 2 others in our care as well," Duc added, her voice tight with anger.

The girl looked at us like we had lost our marbles. "ANd I supose you believe in Alien abductions as well?" she asked in a snotty voice.

"Your next on thier list, sister," Duc told her villainously. I looked at her with an unmoving mask to let her know we were serious. She flinched. I took great pleasure out of that.

"Listen, I don't know what you want, but Sully Pendrell is not who you are looking for. For the first part, Sully doesn't have any hair. And secondly, the man is a competent 64 year old man. He doesn't need anyone to take care of them. See, he's over there at register 4."

We looked to where she pointed. Sure enough was abald man, with a name tag that read Sully Pendrell. I coudlnt beleive it!! 2 Sully pendrells in the world. Being the mature mouse I am, I stuck out at her, grabbed Duc' arm and stalked out. I stoped once we were outside the door. I stasrted to wimper. "THAt was my Sully on the phone. I know his voice. ANd I could have sworn I heard wimperuing in the background."

"he may have stopped for food or..." Duc began but was cut off by the sound of tires squealing. "Taht's them!!" She yelled as we raced to our waiting cab.

"See car with the licence plate "BEKRSRUL" don't lose it!!" I shouted as the cab took off.

woo hoo!!

-Mel

From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 1997 14:43:10 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: *I feel that I must kneel before the wisdom of a child (LABB)

The Clone Saga (Peter and Dolenz)

The car sped off the parking lot of Wal*mart before our doors shut. We could see Dolenz and Peter waving frantically in the back seat. Sully knoked Dolenz on the head and he fell onto the seat. <sniff> Peter disappeared from view too and we could only see Sully's head as he drove down the now white, snow-covered road.

The chase went on for 14 some miles. Our cabbie slowed down on the straight road because the snow was getting deeper and more slippery. I smacked the seat and yelled "Why are you slowing down for? We've almost got them!"

"Lady, that rode is slipperier than snot on a doorknob.(uck,gross decription) There's no way I'm gonna speed down it!"

I growled loudly, but kept my eyes on the now disappearing car into the heavy snow. Soon enough, the rearview lights couldn't be seen no more and we slumbed back into the seats as the wheels of the car slipped on the road. 2 miles past and Mel lifted up, looking out the window. "Stop the car!" She yelled and jumped into the snow before the car stopped. I followed her to the field where a car had flipped over and landed on it's top against a fense. It was Sully's car!

There were 2 doors open, the backseat door and driver door. No one was in the car. Mel and I both looked up at our surroundings, all white with snow, and began to cry.

The cabbie made his way to us, his hand sheilding the snow from his face and handed Mel a jacket. "Come with me. This storm is going to be hell. I know a place not far from here."

wowzers. Sometimes snow can be a bitch.

Anyhoo.. this is..

~LabMouse Ducovny~~O8>

From AnasaziBB@aol.com
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 1997 22:48:58 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: {LABB} And The Winner is...

Well, here goes. What *really* happened.

First of all, I'd like to note that the Loud Grasshopper was set on "stun" and that Space Monkeys have such thick fur that it would just have stopped him from jumping on me and ripping throat out anyway ... (If it was set on "kill" it may have knocked the poor furry thing unconscious.) And it was only after Paul began harassing me about Hanson that I put the gun on him ... while he was conversing with his Space Monkey about his financial situation, I had this conversation with Penni ...

Me: Your time has come, Penni!
Penni: Sami? What is this?!
Me: (holstering gun) It is the time ... time to overthrow the Perry Como loving, pez hating clonoid psycho force ...
Penni: Sami! What is this?? What have you done?? You are not one of us??? Sami!! What about the BATS!!! AND THE ELVES!!!
Me: Curse the elves! And I've been here, what, for awhile, and I've never seen an elf, much less one that's stealing a plane!
Penni: No!! Sami!! Remember those great facials?? And the mascera????
Me: Yes, I remember them. All too well ... (My face goes blank as I remember horrors not to be mentioned in the presence of clones ...) All to well ... (suddenly hearing Paul's speech, and realizing that he doesn't know I'm pointing the gun at Penni)
Me: Ahem. (unholstering gun) It is--

Just then, Paul got done with his conversation with the Space Monkey.

Paul: (looking alarmed, not realizing I'm on his side and the time has come to defeat the evil clones) Oh, uh, hi Sami. No more politics, k?
Me: (realizing something needs to be done to get out of this situation. What am I going to do if Paul and Penni are both against me? Hmmm. I might as well keep Penni's trust, and try to get to Paul later and tell him about his mistake) (my eyes get wide, then my head drops before raising again) (aside to Penni) Psst! Mai must have put a trance on me, because she's the LABBSpy and everything and can do stuff like that! It wasn't me talking! It was the hypnotism! 'Politics' must be the trigger word! I came out of it just in time! Now go! Flee into the night! See if you can prevent this awful overthrow of leadership! (To Paul) Politics? Pshaw, I've got better things to do than that. <raising WiB blasto thingy as Penni sneaks away>

After that, things got really weird, because when I act, I'm extremely overdramatic ... And I'd like also mention the fact that that it was not a *shrine* to Hanson, it was the laboratory in which Penni cloned them, all right? I was put in charge of overseeing it, which is one reason I was so distressed, not to mention, you guessed it, overacting. (Sorry. I'm just not DD. Oh, yeah ... Field Where My Career Died ... I guess I am! :::shrug:::: Wonders never cease.) And that's the situation as I know it. I don't know where I am now. I'm lost, I guess ... lost in the cheese ship ...

Sami :D (Or *:*| ) :D :D :D :D :D

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 1997 22:25:38 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: LABB: Radio Retribution Pt2!!!

RADIO RETRIBUTION Part 2
(boy, will this epic get flooped up now!!!!! <g> to Ducy)

Emperor Brian the Eternal was fuming at the news of former PHOEBE General Keyer and Lt Sami's defection back to the LABB, when Lord/Lady Penni and the six survivors from The WROX Assault Force, including Lt Ham. The Court Clones gasped in terror when the ragged Lord/Lady Penni collapsed at the feet of Emperor Brian.

Clone Court: *Gasp!!!*
Penni: "Oh my dear Emperor...it was terrible..."
Brian: "Terrible?? It had better be of Bibical proportions, because the other two groups failed as well!!"
Penni: It....must have been a trap... the Evil Leather-clad, Harley riding (wheeze) MonkeeMouse Ducovny was there waiting for (wheeze) us...with five....uh, er, DOZEN Bikers! We (wheeze) fought bravely and uh.... killed more then (wheeze) half of the bikers, but they unleased...uh, Thousands of Vampire (wheeze) Bats upon us! I..I...managed to save the (wheeze) Exhaulted Perry Como... CD...(wheeze) Box set..minus disk #1...."

The Court Clones all held there breath, as Brian pondered the story for a second. He glowered with crimson flame as he bent down and picked up Lord/Lady Penni.

Brian: Our plans were developed under the TIGHTEST of security! How did MonkeeMouse Ducy know where and when we would attack...?"
Penni: Er, uh....ehe...uh...Someone must have, leaked it?
Brian: WHO?
Penni: Uh...::looking aroudn desparately:: It..was.. LT ENCAT!! She did it!! I heard The Evil Ducovny say "Praise to our Secret Agent Encat!" as she unleased the bats upon us!"
Clone COurt::swinging at non-existant bats::: "Bats! Bats! Bats! Bats! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!"
EnCat: SAY WHAT?? I DIDN'T DO IT!!! I SWEAR TO PERRY COMO AND BEVERLY CLEARY I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THIS!!"
Penni: "See? She's (wheeze) denying it!! Just what a Traitorous LABB (wheeze) person would say! They deny (wheeze) EVERYTHING!"
Brian: "Guards! Cast this Traitor into the Detention Center with the rest of her Pez-Eating LABB comrades!!
Encat: "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo....."
Penni: Frankly, I'd have (wheeze) thrown her out the (wheeze) airlock..."
Brain: "Now that we have jailed the traitor.... IT'S YOUR TURN!!!
Clone Court: Oooooooooooh! Penni's gonna get it! Penni's gonna get it!
Peni: But...but...but...I saved the (wheeze) Exhaulted Perry Como (wheeze) Box Set!! And Icame up withthese (wheeze) really Keen Kostumes!!!"
Brian: You have FAILED ME for the last time, ExLord/Lady Penni!! To the detention center!! You shall be Martinized at Dawn!! Heck, Let's Martinize ALL the LABB prisoners at dawn!!
Penni: But we never captured Dawn!!!
Brian: Oh, you are right for once Penni! Let's Martinize all the Labb Prisoner AT SUNDOWN!!!!! Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Take Pvt Penni away!
Penni: Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....

MEANWHILE, IN THE DEATH CHEESE DETENTION CENTER

Carson was shoveling cheese with his gruel bowl from the third escape tunnel into Janet's former cell when Pendwyn hissed that guards were coming. Madam Boing whisltled to Janet and Nick, who were digging the escape tunnel. Janet and Nick flung themselves up and and out as Carson plugged the tunnel with the fake Cheese floor plug. As they all whistled innocently, EnCat was flung in the cell, her PHOEBE uniform in tatters.

Lt Ian: "Get in there you Pez-eating, Plan-ruining, traiterous Labb-loving, Bat-head!!
PRISONERS: "ENCAT??? WHAT THE..."
EnCat: "Uh...Hi, everybody! Uh....what's up? Nice day, eh? Uh, I...have something to confess..."
Nick: Oh, really... I say we use her as a chisel to dig the tunnel!
Madam Boing: YYessss! She iz ze Nasty Klone Kooolaborator! Keel her!"
Janet: Grrr! Get her!
Carson: "Wait! As Labb Negoitier, I say we remain calm, listen to her story, debate it, decide on what to do, and THEN Clobber her!!"
EnCat: "No, wait! I..I...I...Leaked the plans to capture the Beiserville radio stations to Ducovny! It was all part of a secret mission...uh, RJ had me conduct! I was acting all the time! Really! Honest! Penni got his/her butt kicked by Duc and her Biker buddies because of me!!"
Prisoners: "Wow! You were a spy sent by RJ? Geeeee Whiz! We're sorry EnCat! You sure had US fooled!!"
EnCat: Yeah! Uh. sorry about all the mean things I had to do, but I needed to be convincing enough to fool Brian & Penni..."
Janet: "Hey, let's get back to digging the tunnel!" ::lifts tunnel plug::
Encat: "Hurry! I think we're all going to get martinized before Brian sets course for Beiserville and fires the Rapid Ultraviolet-light Stimulated Hotair (R.U.S.H) Limburger Death Ray!!"

Just then, Penni was thrown in the cell!!

Lt. Ian: "In you go, you blundering ex-Lord/Lady of the Pith!"
Prisoners: "Penni? What the...."
Penni: "Uh...Hi, everybody! Uh....what's up? Nice day, eh? Uh, I...have something to confess..."
Prisoners: GET PENNI!!!
Penni: AAAAAAAAHHHH!! ::sees the open tunnel::: Wait! Is that your escape tunnel?
Janet: Uh, yes?
Penni: Good! Saves me the time of digging my own before sundown! ::dives right in the tunnel::
Prisoners: PENNI'S GETTING AWAY!! FOLLOW THAT CLONE!!!"

So Carson, Janet, Nick, Pendwyn, Madam Boing AND ANYONE ELSE BEING HELD PRISONER BY THE PHOBE FORCES ABOARD THE `DEATH CHEESE' EXCEPT PAUL who was off having his own adventure with a big Space Monkey) all dived in the tunnel after Penni...

Meanwhile....

Brian: "Air Marshall Dweezil! Prepare to fire the engines! We head to Beiserville to test the Rapid Ultraviolet-light Stimulated Hotair (R.U.S.H) Limburger Death Ray!!"
Dweezil: Yes, Sire! Attention, Death Cheese Crew! Prepare to fire the engines! He head to Beiserville to test the Rapid Ultraviolet-light Stimulated Hotair (R.U.S.H) Limburger Death Ray!!"
Crew: "YES SIRE WE ARE CLONES, HEAR US ROAR! SMACK THE BATS UNTO THE FLOOR! MAKE THE ELVES STOP STEALING PLANES! HAIL CC AND THE BEST BRAINS!!"
Brian: I don't want one single Pez-Eating LABB Member left...alive..." Heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheee.......

MEANWHILE Still....

Paul, having been rescued by the late Big Space Monkee and Idaho Jones, suddenly found himself in a room filled with backpacks that had little helicopter rotors sticking out of them. "I wonder what those are for?" he wondered.

Sudden;y, Penni burst through the ceiling, flailing awaying teh open air as if he/she was still digging. Crashing to the floor, Penni bounced up grabbbed on of the helicoptre backpacks and opened the bombay doors {{Indian sitar music plays}}. "I'll get that icky Pez-eating, Monkee-lovin', excyberwifee-poo of RJ Ducovny if it the last thing I do!!!" And with that, Penni activated the helicopter backpack and dropped out of sight.

"WOW!" yelled Paul. "My one chance of escape!! Now, which one of those many helicopter backpacks will I choose? Hmmmmmmmmmm....."

Just then, Carson, Janet, Nick, Pendwyn, Madam Boing, and WHOMEVER WAS CAPTURED BY THE REBEL CLONES, fell through the tunnel dug by Penni, all covered in cheese that that thrown back by the cheese-digging Magic Nails of Penni.

Prisoners: "PAUL!"
Paul: "Prisoners!"
Prisoners: "Paul! How did you escape from your cell?!?"
Paul: "Prisoners! How did you all escape from your cells?!?"
Carson: "Forget it! This joke is going nowhere! Paul! Did you see Penni go by?"
Paul: "Carson! Yes, I did! Penni grabbed one of these Helicopter backpacks and bailed out saying she was going to get that icky Pez-eating, Monkee-lovin', ex-cyberwifee-poo of RJ Ducovny if it the last thing He/she does!!!"
Prisoners: "Helicopter Backpacks! We're Free!!!

And with that, Carson, Janet, Nick, Pendywn, Madam Boing, Paul, AND ANY OTHER CAPTURED LABB MEMBER I DIDN'T MENTION grabbed their very own Helicopter backpacks, activated them and jumped out the bombay doors {{Indian sitar music plays}}. Moments later, they all saftey landed and looked up at the Death Cheese....

Incidentely WHERE...

The bridge was shaking with a terrible vibration, icky smells, and screaming alarms!!!!
Brian: What's happening?!?
Dweezil: I...I...I..don't know!!! The Engineering Monitor is saying something about....OH NO!!! WINDOWS GENERAL PROTECTION FAULT!!! The Engines are overloading!!!
Brian: "Argh! I reaaly HATE Bill Gates!!! So what does that mean?"
Dweezil: "The Engines are going to blow!!!!
Clone Crew: "Is it Emperor Brian's Bithday??? Yippee! Birthday cake!!! Ice Cream!"
Brian: If anybody's going to screaming, I'll do it... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Abandon Cheese! Women and Emperors first!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Panic ensued. Carson, Janet, Paul and all the Oter LABB prisoners looked up as the Death CHeese shoked and shaked, rocked and rolled, sputtered and muttered, and finally blew apart, emiting a shower of shredded chedder and thick, icky burnt cheese smoke.

Paul: Now there's somnething you don't see everyday...
Carson: I suggest we fly over to the Mouse Hole to tell Queen Sue and RJ we've escaped!!
ENCat: Uh....I need to go...check up...on...mY FISH!!! Yes! My FIsh! I haven;t feed them in...oh... a couple of...er...days!! Goota Go! Bye!
Janet: "She should really switch to decaff...."

And so....ENDS the The Grand EPIC of the CLone Revolt...well, OK. Our Escappes got back to the Mouse Hole where....

LABB Folks: "RJ!! We're Back!! Uh, RJ? Where are you??"
Doofo: Dyyyyyaaaaa...he's not here, everybody! Want a nice cold Doof Draft?
Danno: Yeah! He split town! He Went looking for Miss Ducy! Want a nice Doof Red Lager?
Danny Boye: She finally really left him...and she went with Mel to go look for Sully in a far off land.... Anyone want a nice cold MacDoof Ale?
LABB: How Far off???
RJ's Clones (minus ANTon, who's living in Atlanta with Ode'a): He said it was looooooooong FAR Go!!!

RJ

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Wed, 8 Oct 1997 23:35:07 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Empty Round Igloos? Neat!

It feels good to finally be on terra firma again. Janet's been whipping out cappuccinos like there's no tomorrow, and everyone's been drinking them as fast as she can produce them. Especially Madame Boing. ("Zis eez ze best thing that Ah have drinked een mah whole entire life!" she exclaimed. Now she's stumbling around telling "fortunes"...I think I just heard her tell Paul that he's going to meet the tall dark boulangerie of his dreams and that he has to swallow a live dictionary if he wants to see his precious bar of soap again.)

We've all decided that Penni must have had some weird trick up hir sleeve when she gave me the gun and all those Pez dispensers. Part of me thinks that Penni really *had* gotten sick of Brian, but...I can't shake the feeling that heshe was just trying to get us all in bigger trouble. This is reinforced by the fact that we don't really know why heshe went after Duc. And I can't help wondering...what happened to Sami, and all of the other clones? Ian!

---

IAN: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
SAMI: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
BRIAN: Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp us, Perry Como!
SAMI: MMMBoooooooooooooooooop!

[dozens of thuds are heard as the ex-Cheese Cloud residents plummet to the earth]

SAMI: I never thought I'd reach the day where I was happy to see melted stinky cheese.

[Sami and all of the clones, perfectly intact (hey, it's fiction) slowly pick themselves up off the heap of melted cheese and try to brush themselves down]

FLUMINA: Blecch, sticky.
IAN and HAM and OZ: What do we do now, King Brian?
BRIAN: [thinking] We...regroup! BATS!!! BATS!!!
SAMI: I, er...think I just saw a Pez-loving Perry-Como-hating LABB member over there! Yes, that's definitely what I saw! I'll be right back!

[Sami hares off, in the general direction of the Mouse Hole]

IAN: Let me accompany you, Miss Sami!

[Ian runs off after her, not seeming to notice that Sami sped up]

TIGER: Yuk. I haet cheez.

Carson Maynard :>

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 1997 15:16:20 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: <<LABB>> I thaught Love was only true in FAirie Tails

Dispearing Clone Saga continues

Shivering, we followed the cabby to a cabin. I had no idea where, or in which direction we were going in becuase everything wasjust white, and the only thing I can think of was the poor clones. Sully needed some help. He used to be a most wonderful clone but now he was being vengful.

The cab driver started a fire in the fire place and we huddled about it. I huddled in the oversized jacket next toe Duc and the driver. In the glow of the fire, I could make out his face. Oh the face!!!! It was so beautiful. "YOu know," I began, "You look like Matthew McConaughy." I told him. I had no idea where that had come from, it just came springing from my lips.

He grinned a dashing grin. "He's my cousin," He replied.

They were so much alike that for all I knew it could have been Matthw himself. I wanted to melt right there along with the snow dripping off the jacket. "My name is Christopher Cwej" he said with a dashing smile.

"NIce to meet you," Duc said. It was sad, but I had almost forgotten she was there. I had almost forgotten why we were there.

"Um yeah,"I said dumbly. "I'm Mel and this is Duc"

"Nice to meet you. I"m sorry that we had to get stuck like this. this is an old way station that they still keep open for travellers. The snow can pin you in really quickly."

"Where's the next one?" I asked suddenly concerened about the clones being out int he dangerous conditions.

"About 10 miles from here."

I bit my lip. Comuing fromt he South and all, i had no idea the affect of this weather, and how long it took to over take someone. Luckily, Chris was reading my mind, or so it seemed.

"They'll probably make it." He said patting my back and suddenly, I believed him. "There's a radio in here somewhere we can use to call the cab headquarters to inform them that we're stuck here. We can also tell them to inform the local police that a wanted kidnapper may be laid over at the next way station. Once we get warm first."

After a few minutes of silences, Chris went into the recesses of the cabin to find the radio. "He is so cuuute!!" I gushed to Duc. She smiled and nodded and we followed the sound of his voice.

"This is Cab 414 to head quarters."

::go ahead::

"I'm stranded here at way stations 209 with two female passangers"

::so noted, 414. Be advised to stay put. Blizzard."

"NO kidding" Duc muttered. I stifled a giggle.

"Sure thing HQ."

::The stomr should pass by tomorrow afternoon::

"Tomorrow afternoon!!!" I shrieked. I didn't know If I could stay put that long while my beloved clones were in danger. Chris looked at me with concerned.

"HQ, we were following another vehicle that overturned in a bank. WE think they may have preceded on to waystation 210. One of them had kidnapped theother two."

::Ok 414, we'll advice the police but there.... ::

The transmission suddely cut off leaving an eerie siclence in the cabin. "Must be the weather" Chris said with hopeless optimism. I glanced at Duc who looked as unconviced as I did.

"Why don't we go scrounge up some food. I'm starving." Chris said cheerfully like it was some kind of grand adventure. I was just ready to find my clones and return home... but for some reason, I was willing to follow Matt McCaunahy's cousin around with out hesitations. :).

-Mel

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Thu, 9 Oct 1997 21:35:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Synosnymnymm Avengers Ransack Average Houses

We've had a nice day just hanging around the bar today, relaxing after all of our strenuous activity. I even made friends with one of the waitresses.

FAY: Hi, I'm Fay Peronivic. What can I get you?
ME: Oh...well, I haven't really had a chance to look at the menu...just get me some of that outrageous coffee.
FAY: [pleased] You like the coffee?
ME: Yeah...it's far out!
FAY: I made it myself.
ME: Really? It's great!
FAY: Thanks!
JANET: What about *my* coffee?
ME: Yours is great too, Janet!
FAY: We oughta swap recipes sometime.
PAUL: Hey...I didn't know there was a restaurant in the Mouse Hole.
FAY: We're kinda new. It's really just a cafe anyway, nothing special.
PAUL: Oh.

[At that moment, the doors flew open and Sami barged in. She was walking with her head lowered toward the ground, and she was charging like a tank. When she reached the middle of the room, she finally stopped, peeked up, looked around, and breathed a deep sigh of relief.]

SAMI: I made it!
EVERYONE: Sami! We thought you were dead!
SAMI: No, the cheese cushioned my fall.
PAUL: Get away from her! She's under the control of Hanson!
SAMI: Paul, don't be silly! It was all a ruse!
PAUL: But I saw you, with the shrine, and you wanted to make them come back to life!
SAMI: Well, okay, I did, kinda. But it was just an experiment. Anyway, I've come to tell you that -

[Ian barged in the door]

ME: Ian! You're safe!
PENWYN: Hi Ian! I haven't seen you in forever. Are you feeling okay?
IAN: [looking around imperiously] I claim this land in the name of Emperor Brian the Eternal!
SAMI: Oh boy. I was afraid of this.
FAY: Why don't I just get that coffee... [backs out]
IAN: Thank you for leading me here, newly-commissioned Lieutenant Sami.
SAMI: I did not lead you here! Guys! I'm *back*. Help me here!
TRILL: [jumping up] Get him!!!
ME: Hey, wait, that's my *clone* you're talking about! Ian, run!

[Ian took one look at the surging mob and followed my advice; he ran, as fast as he could, out through the door and back to King Brian.]

TRILL: Well, that's taken care of that. Now is there a television in here anywhere? Ally's on in four days.

Carson Maynard :>

From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 00:50:53 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: *What am I doing hanging 'Round? (LABB)

The ongoing battle to find our Clones

The next 12 hours were torture, for me anyway, Mel seemed to be having the time of her life. Despite her countless giggles with her new found cabbie-cousin-related-to-a-big-moviestar-friend, I sat next to the windowsill, munching on some leftover chinese food, using a broken pair of chopsticks.

I hoped that Dolenz was ok. He was a well-behaved clone, knew how to dress good, knew how to talk, sing, dance, and survive. I didn't know of Peter's habits, except he liked fortune cookies and found himself bawing most the time; I simply hoped that Dolenz would take care of him as if he was Torkie.

Another giggle from Mel. I turned to see Chris and his big smile. Despite of what I said, I didn't trust him. Cab drivers aren't that sexy, and aren't usually found in North Dakota. They are in those crappy made-for-tv-movies that you see during hitas, but not in real life. And the fact that he automatically helped us, despite us only giving him a mere 30 raisins <G> and drove us halfway across North Dakota through snow and ice; well, it just didn't add up. What was more spooky, is that he knew there was a radio in this old station, but why did he say that 'it's in here somewhere?' And why in the world would it break down so quickly? Snowstorms? Attena wires have the best luck and are usually in one peace. But for some reason . . . .

I scratched my head, taking off my woolhat, it being soaked with snow. I tucked it into my pocket and took another bite of the Chinese food. Chinese. Dolenz hated Chinese food. Especially mushrooms. This small white box had a lot of mushrooms. I hate them myself and shifted them aside with my broken chopsticks. Finally, i pulled out a few noodles, ready to take a bite when I see a hair on it.

"EW!" I announced.

"What?" Chris turned.

"There's a hair in my food!" I said pulling the surpisingly wavy hair off. "It's probably mine." I added.

"That's gross," Chris said, turning to Mel, who smiled at him.

I tried to get the hair off my fingers. The damn thing wouldn't let go. I set the box aside and struggled to get it off. Growling, I finally got it between my fingertips, ready to release it, until I noticed something. Pulled (ouch) a string from my own hair and checked the color. It wasn't red. It wasn't straight. It was curly.

I did a quiet Micky scream and put my hands to my mouth. Chris and Mel were automatically concered. Mel was the first to me, then Chris. "What's wrong?!"

I was almost near tears. "Who ate this before I did?"

Chris shrugged, "We found it in the fridge, remember? It was still warm . . ."

"There's a bug in it," I lied.

Chris patted my back (grrrr) "It's ok. Nothing to cry about."

"I'm fine." I managed.

Chris walked to the fire and satdown. Mel asked one last time if I was okay. "Yup." I said. She joined him again.

I looked at the curly hair that was probably Dolenz's, but I didn't want to tell Mel of my thoughts that Chris might be with Sully, or that those three guys we saw in the car weren't our clones, and they were here right before we arrived. Only, they went on before the snow came.

Time would only tell, and I couldn't wait to get away from the station, back to home, safe with Dolenz and drink some hot coco.

until tomorrow!

~LabMouse Ducovny~~O8>

From UNIBLOND99@aol.com
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 03:47:21 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: RE: (((LABB)))!! *CURE*

Well...now *since I still have lots of <whatever was in the IV> & *remnants from the concussion* I suddenly found my self in a room sitting at a table & there was *gasps* ....Brian(Abree's clone), Penni(Odie's clone), Ian(Carson's clone), Dr. Fuller Bull & Nurse/Sister Fenity!!! So here goes the *questioning*!!!
**************
Dr. Bull: "So!! <looking at me> Uni? Start from the beginning."
Me: "No..it would take weeks...a month..ACK!! BATS, BATS!!"
Nurse Fenity:<shaking her head> "See?? Dr. Bull?? I tried to tell you that it was a bad, bad experiment to come into a peaceful town <burnt> but peaceful & try your experiment!!"
Dr. Bull: "Oh no!! It was important!!"
Me: "For who?"
Dr. Bull: "That is confidential information."
Me: "Confidential??"
Dr. Bull: "Yes!! Now we have the knowledge of the importance of clones & the unimportance of some clones. Also, Uni..you & the LABB were in a special type of experiment!"
Me:"What in the doof<----Hey!!! <everyone looks startled> I just remembered!!! That is the best stuff, word, world....AYIE!!!!!!" ::::I jump up & do a happy dance:::::ahem.... ::::sit back down::::"Excuse me but wha...."
Nurse Fenity:"It is classified & confidential!! Trust Dr. Fuller Bull."
Me: "Is he per chance aka *Chris Carter*?"
Dr. Bull: "No!! Do I look like him?"
Me:"Uh..no!!! You don't look like anything really."
Dr. Bull: "Good!" <all heads are nodding...the *clones heads are rattling*>
Me: "Why do the clones heads rattle when they shake or nod them?"
Dr. Bull: "I don't know what you mean. Tell me this...one last question..Why do you think that *certain* LABBMice got mad at each other over this thing?"
Me: "I have no idea!"
Dr. Bull: "Well there is your answer!"

Debi

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 1997 12:32:43 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: LABB...Just a loud mouth Yankee I went down to Mexico

I spent the better partof the night on the sofa with Chris. Duc seemed to be brooding about something so I left her to her thaughs. I'd chat with her shortly. We needed to discuss some things and I wasn't sure I wanted Chris to hear. He was a great guy and all but I wasn't ready to share with him yet. He might be one of those people who is predudiced against clones and that owuld put my poor Sully and PEter and Duc's Dolenz in danger.

Chris borke me from my reverie, "Your way out there, what are you thinking about?"

I smiled and shrugged. "Oh, just things."

"I'm sure the last thing you planned on your vacation was to be stuck in a cabby way station."

"Well, sorta." I admitted. Actutally, it wasn't a vacation at all. I could have been safe and warm with my two darling clones inourl ittle hutt. I was suddenly beginning to feel broody and wanting to talkk to Duc.

"Maybe I can fix the radio." He said standing, with a serious expression on his face. "it's an ancient piece of equipment but maybe I can rig something." He went into the back room and I walked over to Duc at the window.

"I don't trust him." she said before I could say anything. I was taken aack by this. That was thelast thing I expected to hear... or wanted to hear.

""Well he's a nice helpful person."

"Exactly. A bit too nice and a bit too helpful." She said, turning around to face me. "Cab drivers are supposed to be greasy and ugly and uncaring. He's good looking, sweet and sensitive. Those guys are only in TV of the week movies."

I looked at her and tried not to start wimpering. PEter was having a very bad affect on me. "well maybe your right.. but he could be just a nice person."

Duc looked at me like as if to say "isn't that dumb?" "Unless he gives me reason not to trust him, I won't pass judgement." I told her stubbornly.

'I just don't want to have to bail you out alont wiht Peter and Dolenz."

"Sully's in trouble too." I said in a small voice. "He neesd me. If we can just corner him and talk to him.. I"m sure... I mean he his my clone!! I"m his momnmy!!"

"I know, I"m just feeling a bit frustrated right now. " She siged, with out saying more.

I nodded. I'm going to go see what Chris is doing."

I left Duc to her thaughts and went in search of Chris. I found him hunkered over the radio. He was wearing the first frustrated expression I had seen him where.

"Everything OK? I inquired. .

He nodded. Just trying to figure this out." he put two wires together that sparked, and fizzled. "I think someone tampered with this."

I looked but it was electronic and I had no idea what little doo hicky did what. "I used to reassemble stuff all the time for the police department."

"you worked for the police?" I inquired,utterly surprised.

"yup. I was an officer. young, idealistic" I watched as his face grew darker and darker, a total change from the happy go lucky cab driver. ""i found some things out that i shouldn't have. Made some poeple mad, so then other then get killed I quit. Liked travelling so I became a cab driver."

'Oh." That's nice. I was amazed at his confession to someone he barely knew. Maybe he was one of those trusting souls.

"Ok let me see about this..."

He made a few adjustments and was about to test his efforts when from outsdie, there was a horendous noise, and from the living room, Duc made an equally as horendous noise.

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 00:19:27 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Bitter Raisins Imply Aphids, Non?

Do you know, we've been lounging around the Mouse Hole for days doing absolutely nothing?

FAY: [handing me a Pipette] You guys have been lounging around the Mouse Hole for days doing absolutely nothing.
ME: [sipping] Yeah, isn't it nice? No genetic icons, no silver tube tops, no cute mini-vacuum cleaners...
FAY: Sure, but you're running me ragged!
ENCAT: More hamburgers please!
SAMI: More ketchup please!
DOOFO: More milk please!
MME BOING: More hot sauces please!
FAY: All right, all right, coming already! [hurries back to the kitchen]
ME: So are we planning on doing anything about these clones?
ENCAT: [with her mouth full of ground beef and mushrooms] Nope.
ME: Oh. Why not?
SAMI: They can sort themselves out for the next few days.
JANET: Right, they don't have a death ray any more...do they?
NICK: I think it blew up.
JANET: That's a relief.
ENCAT: More french fries please!
TRILL: Would you guys keep it down?! Ally's on in less than twenty-four hours!
ENCAT: Sorry.
TRILL: Apology accepted. [eats one of EnCat's fries]
ME: [looking around] By the way, where's Debi? Shouldn't she be here with the rest of you guys?
JON: I'm not sure...I don't remember seeing her come in here with us.
ODIE: She's okay. More drinks please!
PAUL: Yeah, Debi can handle herself. More Doof beer mats please!
FAY: Hold your horses, will ya?!
ME: *sigh* [drinks the Pipette]

Carson Maynard :>

From Ducovny@aol.com
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 00:40:03 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: *Pirouette Down Palsied Paths with Pennies for the Vendor(LABB)

10-10-97 It was the first time I looked out the window in five hours. It had stopped snowing, yet the snow was high enough to reach the windowcill.. (about 2 ft) The sun sparkled on the snow and lit up everything in site. Give it 5 days, it'll go away.

A low buzzing sound caught my ears and I looked both ways out the window to see what it was. The sound grew louder and suddenly, i see this ..this..thing coming directly at me. I jump back into the room when this thing rams against the side of the station and shakes the whole place slightly.

With my horrendous noise out in the open, Mel and Chris came dashing to see what caused me to make that sound. A snowmobile crashed against the side of the building, but thankfully didn't knock it over. Chris was the first out the door, followed by Mel and I. Thankfully, the night before had been so cold that the snow was hard enough to hold us up, to hold up the snowmobile.

A person who was driving the mobile lay about 10 feet from the bike, and I was the first to his side. Chris went back inside to get a first aid kit and Mel came over to us. The person, who was wearing a skimask, groaned.

"Sir? Miss? Are you Ok?" I asked.

"Yeah, I think" he said, moving.

"Don't move, you might have a broken bone," Mel said, holding him down.

Chris came backoutside with a blanket and the first aid kit. "Hey buddy, how is everything? can you move everything? Let's get this mask off you."

Chris reached and carefully inched off the mask. Mel was the first to scream loudly. "SULLY!!"

Sully struggled to move, but Chris held him down. I grabbed his jacket and looked him in the eye. "Where is my clone you freak?!!!"

"I don't know, I swear!!" he said gasping for air.

"Are you telling me that he's out there, alone, in the #$)#@*$ snow?!"

His response became gasps. Mel forced me to release her clone and they took him inside.

Once inside, Chris made Sully take off his jacket and wrapped him up in a blanket. He gave him a glass of warm tea, and we sat in front of him. Mel was first to notice his black eye.

"What happened to your eye?"

his eye twitched as he looked at me. "That damn crazy idiot Monkee clone of hers. You know that kidnapping him wasn't part of the plan?"

Chris perked up, "SO you admit to kidnaping them?"

"Yeah."

"Where's Dolenz and Peter then?" I asked

"I dropped them off somewhere."

"Here?" Mel asked.

His eye twitched again. "No."

"Where then?"

"I don't remember where. Somewhere.. some.. 100 miles down the road."

I did another Micky scream. Chris ran his fingers through his hair. Mel begun to wimper like Peter.

~LabMouse Ducovny~~O8>

From RJCHRISTEN@aol.com
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 22:08:01 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: LABB: Dance with the Westwind and Touch on theMontain Tops...

It was a quiet day at the MouseHole bar. Danno and Doofo were cleaning up and stocking the newly arrived shipment of delicious Doof Beverages. Thanks to the destruction of the Death Cheese, Doof Beverage executives decided it was safe to resume deliveries. The previous Clones who used to do this job had gone their separate ways. ANTon LePendrell had lost his Doof Beer spokemanship due to "not winning the championship game", even though in reality he did; and now had gotten a job bartending at the Atlanta NASCAR Cafe while his OdiePal clone wife Ode'a got a job as a "Round Girl" with WCW Wrestling Inc. O. Danny Boye, after seeing a sneak preview of "Boogie Nights", had moved to LA to seriously pursue his dreams of a being an adult movie producer. And RJ... well, let's just say RJ was in the Mouse Hole office, alone again...naturally.

Danno had just finished installing the last Doof Draft keg under the bar and Doofo came out from cleaning the Lady Mouse's Room when a knock was heard at the door.

"Dyyyyyyaaaa, I'll get it Danno..." said Doofo. He opened the door and Squeaked loudly in terror.

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Danno turned and saw in the doorway over a dozen Clones, all in burnt and torn pink & orange kilts, burnt and torn silver tanktops, and burnt and torn raspberry berets (like the kind you'd find in a second hand store). Their faces were all blackened as well and their hair was all sticking out in crispy strings.

"FORCES OF PHOEBE!!" Danno yelled as he reached for the cricket bat under the bar. Doofo, collapsed like a slug, it was his only defense.

Clone Fulmina waved nervously. "Uh, Hi. Is, er, uh, RJ here?"

Danno bolted to the door, waving the cricket bat. "You'll never take us alive!" he yelled.

The PHOEBE clones all raised their hands. "Don't hurt us! We wanna Surrender!"

"Dyyyyyyaaah, You wann Sir Who?" asked Doofo, covering his head as he crawled back to the ladies room.

"We Give up! We Surrender! The LABB Wins!"

Danno was suspicious. "Surrender? What would make you Pez-hating Perry Como nuts want to give up your so-called crusade against the LABB?

Ian stepped forward. "Penni's deserted us! First he/she flooped up the attack on the Beiserville radio stations, then flies off in a helicopter backpack to a far away."

"And the Emperor Brian?" asked Danno, still brandishing the cricket bat. Doofo came out, but now armed with a toilet brush.

"It was terrible! The Death Cheese's Engines overloaded and caught on fire and both burned and melted the cheese, and we crashed and the methane gas fuel exploded and oh, the humanity!" Dweezil sobbed. "All the Gen3 clones Brian and Penni made were all smushed, and it was all icky and gooey!" he started sobbing as Doofo gave him a glass of Dr Doof Grape soda.

"Brian remained on the bridge, screaming at the Gen3 clones to regain control of the Death Cheese and to fire the RUSH Limberger Death ray at Beiserville, even though it was out of range. The ammo must have gone off, because the Death ray exploded before we crashed. I..I..barely got to the escape pod..." sniffed Keyser.

"You mean?" Danno said.

"Dyyyyyyyah, you mean?" Doofo also said.

"Emperor Brian got blowed up, real good!!!" cried the ragged survivors. "We looked in the wreckage and didn't find anything remaining of him!!!"

"Well, darn." Danno said. "I guess I'll have to accept your surrender. Do you all promise to be nice and go back to your owners?"

"WE PROMISE!!" the clones chirped.

Tiger raised his hand. "Do you think the LABB folk will accept our apologies?"

"Well, aside from RJ, all the LABB folks are exiled in Beiserville...." came Danno's answer.

"CAN WE APOLOGIZE TO RJ??" the clones asked loudly.

"Well, RJ is kinda upset right now. You see..Aunt Ducy left him for good and went away to Fargo." Danno sighed, as he finally lowered the cricketbat.

"Dyyyaaaaaa..dat's not good grammah, Danno! Aunt Ducy went to Go Far Away!"

"RJ and Ducovny aren't married any more?? Why not?" asked the Surrendering Clones.

Danno scratched his head and tried to think of how to tell his brothers what had happened. "Well, you see... RJ's Real World Wife found out and..."

"REAL WORLD??? WHAT'S THAT??" asked the puzzled prisoners.

"Uh, How to explain this...." mumbled Danno.

"Dyyyyyyaaaaaaa...it's like an altoinative Dimension in de Time-Space Condominium..." exclaimed Doof rather proudly.

"Yeah, something like that." said Danno. "It's a place where the natural laws of this world just don't apply.

"Anything like MTV's The Real World??" asked Face.

"Kinda...but there's no script and not everyone who lives there is a complete boring idiot." answered Danno.

"Dyyyyyaaa, only 70 poi-cent of duh people dere are complete idiots..."

"But we want to Apologize to RJ" whined the surrendering clones again.

"Fine..." sighed Danno. But as he reache for the door, he gasped in horror! "RJ! HE'S GONE!!!"

"HE's GONE??? WHERE???

Danno and Doofo ran in the office, folowed by the former PHOEBE clones. The Road Atlas was missing.

"Dyyyyyyaaaa, I guess we musta went looking fer Aunt Ducy!"

Danno sighed again and reached for the Dr Doof Soda cooler. "Great, I guess you'll all have to wait until Fee shows up tommorrow night to bartend. Meantime, here's some more Dr Doof Soda Pop, and Welcome back to Labbville, my fellow clones..."

Meanwhile....thousands of miles away... a flaming chunk of cheese-covered death ray barrel came to steaming landing in Lake Ashtabula... North Dakota. A filthy, burnt, and ragged figure crawling up on the shore moments, a heavily dented crown adorning his angry-looking head....

R.J. CHRISTEN(sen)

From Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 23:04:14 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Pliable Enriched Nutrients Never Ionize

Things are finally starting to happen again around here, to Fay's great relief. We were all hanging around watching television today...

TRILL: I'm going to boycott baseball.
JANET: Huh? Why?
TRILL: It was on instead of Ally last night! DIE! DIE!!!
ME: Hey, Trill, it's okay...calm down...
TRILL: But you didn't get to see it either!
ME: You know...you're right. DIE! DIE!!! Turn it off!!!

[Odie switches the channel]

NEWSCASTER: And today also marks the birthday of one of television's most ineligible married men...Chris Carter!
ALL: AAAAAH! TURN IT OFF!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!

[Odie switches the channel again]

FAY: [collapsing into the seat beside me, with a cup of coffee] The television in this place is so dull.
ME: You can say that again. "Excelsius Dei" was on tonight.

[there was a knock at the door]

FAY: [looking oddly at it] Uh...come in!

[another knock]

FAY: That's strange...

[Fay hopped up and crossed to the door]

FAY: Well, are you coming in or do you just wanna stand out there all day? You what? Oh...sure, I'll get him.

[Fay came over to me]

FAY: There's someone here to see you.
ME: Oh...um, thanks. [goes to door] Ian!
IAN: Shhhh!
ME: [whispering] Ian! What are you doing back here?
IAN: We need some help! Debi and Dr Bull and Nurse Fenity and Penni and...well, all of us are trying to work on a cure.
ME: A cure? For what's the matter with the clones?
IAN: Nothing's the matter with us, you bat-loving Como-hating -
ME: Okay, okay! So what's the cure for?
IAN: Debi. She's...starting to sound like us, but...it wasn't her choice...
ME: You mean she's been drugged with something that's making her love Perry Como and hate Pez?
IAN: Yes.
ME: And where are the rest of the clones? Flumina, and Oz and Ham, and all the others.
IAN: They're in LABBVille...they wanted to find RJ, but I told them I had to get back to the hospital. So are you coming or not?
ME: Well...hang on, let me get some people together. [walks back into the bar] Um, you guys, I need to go over to Teso Taco Loco to help work on a cure for Debi...and I think it might be useful for the clones, too. Anybody else want to come?
ENCAT and SAMI and DAWN and QUEEN THUD: Yes! We want to come!
ME: Okay, good. And if anyone else wants to join us later, you know where it is, right?
EVERYONE ELSE: Yup!
FAY: Phew! Five fewer people eating french fries and -
MME BOING: More hot sauces please!
FAY: [sighing] Sure, fine, whatever.
ME: Well...let's go!

[joining Ian outside, the six of us tramp off towards Teso Taco Loco...]

Carson Maynard :>

From Melissa White <s936812@buster.uu.edu>
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 1997 22:54:12 -0500 (CDT)
Subject: <<LABB>> Put your heart and soul where I can see them shine

I bit my lip. Sully was sleeping peacefully on the couch, snuggled up in a blanket, looking exactly like the sweet clone I had found swarshbuckling. Duc and I talked with Sully until he fell asleep. Chris, meanwhile, was inthe kitchen cooking up a soup with the ingridiants stored in the way station. AFter making sure, again, that Sully was OK, Duc and I went into the kitchen. Chris glanced up fromt he soup but didn't say anything.

I was once again sniffling as I tried to put the facts together. "Here's what happned.. as far as we know. He and Peter and dolenz ended up at the next way station... they talked it out.. made up, Peter even gave Sully a fortune cookie. Then <sniff> Sully really doesn't remember what hyappened. He just remembers waking up and then trying to make his way to us."

Duc nodded. "So now our sweet clones are out there.. alone..." She too began to sniffle.

I wondered what Chris thaught aobut all our crying. WEprobly have the wussiest clones in the labb but becuase of that we love them dearly. Chris braught the soup and set it down. "this wil make you feel better" he said with one of his dashing smiles. It did not strike me as it had before becuase I was now even more worried aobugt Dolenz and Peter then before. And I was worried about Sully's health. I know nothing of clone medicine. Perhaps he;ll be better after a nap and can recall more, and we can all find our beloved clones. I ate my soup pondering these things.