22 March 1997 - eps 1 and 2 17 January 1998 - eps 3, 4 and 5 Doctor Who - Dramatic License aka The Mind Borrower starring Barbara Wright, Christopher Cwej, and Frobisher abates (abates@wn.planet.gen.nz) - Mistress_Mel, townsperson, townspeople, othertownsperson, brass_section, The_car, mster-o-matic BenJ (chrisben@icok.net) - MofLoF, GenreGenie, LandOfFiction Bozzie (edharel@eden.rutgers.edu) - Triangle, Quadrilateral, Doctor, Mayor, Theseus, Puck, Bottom, Annie Haem (haem@lys.vnet.net) - BarbaraW, Chris_Cwej, The_whip, piece_of_debris, Pad, _TARDIS_, Doc-6 Janet1 (jeaton@lance.netdoor.com) - Dimsdale Jefferys (eng3@netaxs.com) - Dimmesdale, the_town, the_car, the_wall, plot_hole, Trumpet, bird_poop Jondar (jondar@fl.net.au) - TimeScoopMusic, ChrisCwej Meliphyre (mwhite@memphisonline.com) - Christine_O Spigi (sylv@sterje.com) - Shopper, Frobisher, yetanothertownsperson, burnttoacrisp -------------------------------------------------------------------------- * MofLoF is the Master of the Land of Fiction * MofLoF remembers how the Doctor foiled him * MofLoF plans to extract revenge ***** * BarbaraW wanders through Tesco, looking for groceries for dinner * BarbaraW picks up a red pepper, sees no obvious bruising, and plops it in her cart * MofLoF looks at Barbara in the monitor * MofLoF sends the scoop to kidnap Barbara * Triangle flips and flips * BarbaraW proceeds down another aisle * TimeScoopMusic plays... * Triangle flips and flips * Triangle comes toward Barbara * BarbaraW looks up and sees a black thing coming toward her * BarbaraW gasps and lets go of the cart, hurrying back down the aisle * MofLoF chuckles No, dear, you're mine! * Triangle follows Barbara down the aisle * BarbaraW grabs a container of washing-up liquid and chucks it at the tumbling triangle * BarbaraW sees that it was ineffective, and continues running away * BarbaraW bumps into another shopper Watch where you're going! Oh - help! I'm - * Triangle scoops Barbara *SCOOP* OOO-er! HAHAHAHAHA! * MofLoF decides to place Barbara in a historical novel * MofLoF places Barbara as Hester Prynne in "The Scarlet Letter" * BarbaraW yelps as she's shoved into a room, and a heavy wooden door shuts, leaving her in darkness Suffer, woman! Now, Doctor, let's see if I can have another companion... ***** * ChrisCwej is piloting a space hopper, heading for Domentia to try and see Benny Hmmm, Chris Cwej - he'll do nicely. * ChrisCwej is really looking forward to seeing Benny * MofLoF sends Triangle to capture Chris * Triangle follows the hopper * ChrisCwej hears a noise from the rear compartment Computer, start autopilot. * ChrisCwej gets up from his seat * ChrisCwej heads towards the rear compartment * Triangle taps an angle on Chris' soldier Yoo hoo... * ChrisCwej turns around, shocked HAHAHAHAHA! Wha... are you? * ChrisCwej starts to back away from the triangle No good running, my sweet! * ChrisCwej backs into the cockpit My triangle is faster! * ChrisCwej is cornered in the cockpit Argh... * Triangle leaps forward and traps the image of Chris looking dumbly out, half-screaming * ChrisCwej's scream is cut off Got you now! Soon I'll have all the Doctor's companions! * MofLoF tries to decide where to send Chris in the Land of Fiction * MofLoF thinks Dante's Inferno might be nice Or perhaps Lord of the Flies... * MofLoF decides to have Chris fight for his life in different movies * MofLoF begins with Terminator 2, in the post-apocalytic future Hmm, now that I have gotten a companion from "the past" and one from "the future," how about one from "the present"? ***** * Frobisher is smoking a cigar Yes! Poor Frobisher! You'll do nicely! * MofLoF zooms in on Frobisher * MofLoF sends Triangle to go get that penguin * MofLoF thinks it needs to be a quadrilateral to get Frobisher Hmmm de dmmmm...there appears to be a really annoying square thingy right near me. That pretty much sucks. * Frobisher better find that obnoxious Doctor guy * Frobisher starts waddling away No good waddling! My quad can waddle faster! Wait. * Frobisher turns into a Concorde * Frobisher zooms off * Quadrilateral goes faster than a zoom * Quadrilateral zoops! * Frobisher looks and see that the strange shape is still after him * Quadrilateral zoops after the Concorde oh crap! * Frobisher wishes he could have a slug of gin right now uh uh uh think think think. Come on, you can think of something! * Quadrilateral stops and waits for the Concorde to go round the world and into him before it realizes! HAHAHAHAHAHA! * Frobisher turns into a TARDIS * Frobisher notices he starts falling very very fast towards the earth * Quadrilateral goes quickly under Frobisher * Frobisher turns back into an aircraft and only manages a corsair What do you want, anyway? Why, YOU! Can't you let a nice innocent penguin alone? Look. All I want is a gin and tonic and a cigar. Now leave me alone. You're starting to get more annoying than that Doctor guy. I'm not going on any trip from some weird glowing square. * Frobisher's last words are "Oh, @#$%@%@@^!" * MofLoF laughs * MofLoF wonders where to send this penguin Perhaps some Shakespearean comedy? * MofLoF decides on "A Midsummer Night's Dream" * Frobisher thinks, "What the hell? Shakespeare?" Yes, you'll do nicely there. ***** Three companions - fighting for their lives! And the Doctor cannot help them! *snore* Wouldn't it be an amazing coincidence if three of my former companions were kidnapped by a former nemesis to battle for their freedom? Nah... ***** * MofLoF manipulates the story * MofLoF sends Dimsdale down to torment Barbara * Dimsdale goes down, thinking of methods of torment * BarbaraW sags back against the cold stone wall * BarbaraW feels as though she's been in this room for days...maybe even weeks...but surely it can't have been that long? Now, let's see if Barbara can figure a way...out! You've been very naughty, Miss Prynne... We shall hang you tomorrow. * BarbaraW jumps up as the door is unbolted from the outside * BarbaraW blinks at the harsh sunlight streaming through the opening Then you'll be burnt, and then we'll start the torture. * BarbaraW stumbles out, finally hearing the Mayor's words What? Hanged, burnt...what are you talking about? And where am I? You're in colonial Williamsburg... home of Busch Gardens. Williamsburg. * BarbaraW looks down at her clothing * BarbaraW sees that a crude red A has been stitched onto her blouse What's this?! I thought this was only done in stories! * MofLoF says to himself "Yes, my dear - you think you know this story - but *I* make the rules in the Land of Fiction!" * BarbaraW feels very weak and latches onto the arm of the nearest person to keep herself standing Fainting? Is this an attempt at seducing me? Seducing you?! Now, wait just a minute. Hmmph, we'll add flogged for trying to seduce a man in authority. After you're burnt and hanged, of course. * BarbaraW tries to control her temper * BarbaraW takes a deep breath I did not attempt to seduce you. I haven't done anything wrong! Lying! * BarbaraW stares frostily at the mayor I am *not* lying. * Dimsdale watches the proceedings from a distance. Now, let's see what Mr Cwej is up to... ***** * ChrisCwej recovers Many don't realize my domain extends to more than just books! * ChrisCwej is laying in a pile of rusted junk and dead bodies... * ChrisCwej is also holding on to a bottle of washing up liquid... Where am I? * ChrisCwej picks himself up and looks around * MofLoF sends Mistress Mel to torment Chris * ChrisCwej sees a flash of light in the corner of his eye * Mistress_Mel looks around menacingly Aha, a victim. * ChrisCwej turns around * Mistress_Mel grabs Cwej Wha...! Let me go! How would you like to be part of an experiment? Experiment? * Mistress_Mel produces a pair of manacles Yes, an experiment. * ChrisCwej stares at the manacles Not particularly... Pity, it's easier when they're willing. * Mistress_Mel attaches the manacles to Chris's wrists Ouch! * Mistress_Mel tugs on the chains, pulling Chris over to a handy iron fence * ChrisCwej tries to free himself from the manacles, but they get stronger the more he struggles * Mistress_Mel proceeds to bind Chris to the fence Ouch! * Mistress_Mel uncoils her whip * ChrisCwej wonders who this person is... she looks like Mel... Today we're going to test the human body for endurance. Who are you? My name is Melanie Bush, but you may call me Mistress. Mistress... why? You were nice with the Doctor... * Christine_O runs and tackles the chick with the whip before she can do anything with it Didn't that go out ages ago? * Mistress_Mel topples to the ground Who's this? Someone who doesn't like to see people hurting others! * ChrisCwej looks at the newcomer * ChrisCwej's face looks blank * Mistress_Mel grapples with Christine * Christine_O struggles and tries to avoid getting punched Well, maybe you can be part of the experiment as well. Not!!! * Christine_O tries to pin Mel * Mistress_Mel produces a stunner from her belt *Zaaap!* * Christine_O thuds to the ground * Mistress_Mel stands * Mistress_Mel pulls up the insensible Christine * Christine_O tries to mumble a protest and can't * Mistress_Mel grins cheerfully at Chris Do you want to go first? What first? * Mistress_Mel pulls out a pair of handcuffs * Mistress_Mel handcuffs Christine to the fence I don't know what is going on here! It's very simple. I'm going to contuct an experiment in endurance. How much pain can you suffer before screaming, for a start. Pain? Why? What have I done...? * Mistress_Mel looks blank Why would you need to do anything? You were nice when I saw you last... * ChrisCwej thinks this is normal Mel I think you have me confused with someone else. * Christine_O's head clears a bit You are Mel Bush? That is correct. * MofLoF looks in on Frobisher ***** * Frobisher thinks he looks really stupid in this blonde wig and shimmery dress Can you get these fairies to stop putting daisies on me? * Frobisher starts sneezing Poor little penguin - don't you appreciate good literature? * Frobisher throws some daisies off I admire good literature when I'm not wearing a horrid wig and having to wear a brassiere! * Frobisher throws a brassiere on the floor So what the hell am I doing here? And what have you done with my cigars? Why, you're my Titania! Titania? Go on! If I'm Titania, why am I still a penguin in a dress? Why, I think you look smashing! And don't even say I'm going to shapeshift into a gorgeous blonde-haired woman! Well, we can't have everything - but still, one must at least try to look the part. Oh, hang on a minute... * Frobisher now looks like Helen Mirren as she looked in the TV version of the play Hey, that's better! Okay, so now what? And why don't you get a TV like everyone else? But, my dear Titania - this is literature! Literature? Bollocks, more like. You are now my Titania. Accept it - it will be easier on you. What do you mean, easier on me? This is your home! Okay, okay. Anything's better than having to slog through ANOTHER poker game with my mates. So get on with it. Perhaps if I were to send a handsome young man to woo you, my dear Titania? * MofLoF sends Theseus and the faries to Frobisher Handsome man? What? Are you on something? I'm a Whifferdill, not some queen of the fairies. Shall I treats on or shall I but condole in some measure the departing of the fairy daises? * Frobisher sighs How now, spirit! Whither wander you? How now, brown cow? What's this one going on about? Ah. No idea what that guy just said. Think I'll take a nap. * Frobisher promptly falls asleep * MofLoF leaves Forbisher to his new reality Soon these Doctor's companions will be forever trapped in their realities - then I shall kidnap more of them! Soon all who have travelled with him will be in my domain, and revenge will be mine! ::ending credits for first episode:: * Dimsdale ascends the scaffolding and sits down to think * Dimsdale gazes at the beautiful night sky * BarbaraW wanders into the village square from an alley * BarbaraW has been trying to get answers out of people all day, but no-one will tell her anything - in fact, they seem to shun her * BarbaraW picks at the stitches surrounding the red A * BarbaraW spies Dimsdale on the scaffold and heads determinedly for him * Dimsdale thinks and looks at the sky, wondering what will happen tomorrow * Dimsdale notices BarbaraW heading his way * BarbaraW arrives at the bottom of the scaffold Pardon me...? Could I have a word with you? Of course, please join me. * BarbaraW clambers up the rickety wooden steps What a depressing place to spend an evening. * BarbaraW is looking at the towering gallows I needed a place to think. Why have you ventured out on this night? I've been asking all around town to see if anyone knows what's happened to me. You're the first person who's said more than five words to me. Do you not know of your fate tomorrow? I've heard about it. But I still don't know why - I haven't done anything. * BarbaraW indicates the A on her chest What's this for? Then you do not know the meaning of the letter? Does it really stand for "adultery"? Adulterer, yes. Do you know exactly what I'm supposed to have done? I believe you are to be hung and burnt for your sins. Yes, that's all anybody's telling me. But I don't know what my sins are. I mean, I know I've been accused of adultery, but...well, I just arrived here! No, I didn't arrive here... I...I was made to come here...but I'm not sure by whom... By me. * BarbaraW looks up at the mayor's voice Oh dear, not him again. * BarbaraW frowns - the mayor has an uncanny ability to appear when she least expects it * Mayor looks down at Barbara * BarbaraW blinks - the mayor appears to be floating in the air, but mayors can't do that sort of thing...not in England, anyway! * Dimsdale glances at the mayor, as well What proof exists of this woman's sins? Um, cause I say so. She tried to seduce me... I'm a witness to that! You can't just go around accusing innocent people! I can accuse who I like. * Dimsdale thinks that is an abuse of power Er, and I DON'T like you... after your sordid seduction scenario started, slut! Mayors aren't all-powerful, you know. Only if their re-election's up... and mine just happened. I got two years... ha! Bring up the noose! The noose?! And make the fire! I thought I wasn't to be executed until tomorrow. Yeah well, as someone pointed out to me, today is yesterday's tomorrow and it's always tomorrow somewhere as long as you're not where time starts, so ha! * Dimsdale ponders the situation and wonders about the moving up of the event * MofLoF gloats at Barbara's certain fate * BarbaraW's mind races - what would the Doctor do in this situation? Hmm - silly child! * BarbaraW tries to act very superior Your petulant attempts at provoking me shan't work. How predictable. * BarbaraW marches down from the scaffolding and over to where the mayor is levitating * Dimsdale admires Barbara's bravery Hey, don't distract me. Trying to seduce me again? Well... * Mayor gets distracted and falls AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *splat* Ha! * Dimsdale laughs at the Mayor ***** zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz * Frobisher awakes * Frobisher sees Bottom * Frobisher blinks What angel wakens me from my flowery bed? The finch, the sparrow and the lark. * Frobisher listens to that glorious man sing A bird? Who would give a bird the lie, though he cry 'cuckoo' never so? I pray thee, gentle mortal, sing again. My ear is much enamoured of your nose...err, your note. And thy fair virtue force perforce doth move me on the first view to say...to swear...I love thee. * Frobisher fwaps himself What? Where is this coming from? Methinks, mistress, you should have little reason. * Frobisher is suddenly in close quarters with this strange guy no. no no! Not so, neither! * Frobisher suddenly smiles and throws rose bushes err roses all over Bottom Thou art as wise as thou art beautiful. * Bottom spits out a rose that went into his mouth I have enough to server mine own turn. Kiss me! Not so, neither: but if I had wit enough to get out of this wood... Out of this wood do not desire to go, but make thee comfortable on my bed. Tomorrow! Tomorrow! WHAT? * Frobisher blinks It's only a day away! What the smeg is going on? GAH! Whoops...I'm in the wrong play... ach, the world's crumbling! But there's always tomorrow! Tomorrow! It's only a day away! * Frobisher is noticing that he's now in a bed with Bottom Two of them have all but accepted - now for Chris. ***** * ChrisCwej continues to stuggle against the bonds Shall we begin? Oh, why am I asking you? * Mistress_Mel flexes the whip * ChrisCwej visibly flinches Erm... what's in it for me? Pain. Extreme pain. Won't that be fun? * ChrisCwej begins to shake his head... but it is slowly forced into a nod... I do believe Mr. Cwej enjoys being bound and tortured. What's happening! I don't want this! * Mistress_Mel cracks the whip across Chris Argh!!! Stop it! Stop it! Hmm, one whip and already he's screaming. He must have low pain tolerance. * Mistress_Mel lifts Chris's chin Shall we move onto the next test? * ChrisCwej struggles against the thing in his mind forcing him to enjoy the torture How much pain can you take before blanking out? Erm... a fair amount... I think. Gugh... * Mistress_Mel looks across at Christine Let's not. * Christine_O starts struggling Don't worry, dear, you'll be next. We could talk about this, you know...it could be... * Mistress_Mel cracks the whip across Chris again * ChrisCwej firms against the whipcrack this time * Christine_O squeaks * ChrisCwej is dragged over to the next "test" * ChrisCwej wonders what test... er... torture is next... * Christine_O wonders why she's suddenly stepped into the Rocky Horror Picture Show Why don't you just stop, you animal! * Mistress_Mel looks at Christine Why would I want to stop? * Mistress_Mel swings the whip around I'm just getting started. You'd want to stop because, um, you're not under your own control. I'm not? Then whose control am I under? I don't know!!! * Christine_O stares into Mistress Mel's eyes defiantly * Mistress_Mel cracks the whip across Christine There, a little taste of things to come. * Mistress_Mel looks at Chris and grins seductively * ChrisCwej still struggles, but not as much as before... he is beginning to succumb * Christine_O tries to escape * Mistress_Mel grabs Christine and pulls her back against the fence * Christine_O struggles Now you better stay put. Whatever it is, we can talk about it! * Christine_O squeaks * Mistress_Mel makes sure Christine's bonds are secure I mean, something had to happen to make you this animalistic. * Mistress_Mel ponders the question thoughtfully I wouldn't describe myself as animalistic. I would!!! I just like to have fun. * ChrisCwej stops struggling * Mistress_Mel begins wrapping the whip around Christine's neck AIEEEE!!! I've just had an interesting idea. * Christine_O kicks Mistress Mel Ouch! * Mistress_Mel crosses back to Chris * Mistress_Mel ties the other end of the whip around one of Chris's wrists * ChrisCwej looks at Mistress Mel, then at his wrist * Christine_O glances at Chris for *something* * ChrisCwej looks back at Christine... with a look of pure enjoyment on his face Now then...this test is very simple. If Chris tries to pull on the whip, he will succeed in strangling his young friend here. She is _not_ my friend! * Mistress_Mel ignores Chris I have never seen her before! I just tried to save you, bub! * ChrisCwej just smiles back at Christine Meanwhile, Chris's other wrist will be tied to this car. * Christine_O is all of a sudden very frightened * Mistress_Mel chains Chris's wrist to said '87 Mustang * ChrisCwej happily lets Mistress Mel tie his other wrist to the car Now, If Chris can manage to support the weight of the car, he'll be able to avoid strangling his friend... * Mistress_Mel puts her dictaphone back in her belt Are we ready? Good. * Mistress_Mel hops into the Mustang * Mistress_Mel starts the ignition NO! * Christine_O starts praying MWAHAHAHAHA - everything is going according to my plan! Notzink in the universe kin shtop me now! Once they accept their new realities - they are mine! MINE! ::ending credits for second episode:: * BarbaraW and Dimmesdale are being led to execution I don't understand...this isn't supposed to be happening! Now now, you two are being brought to your deaths for various reasons. Do shut up, you slut! You do not talk to a lady like that! I'm the mayor. If I wanna call you a moron, I can, cause I'm the mayor and you're the soon to be six-feet-under-talking- to-Elvis Dimmesdale! * BarbaraW looks up at the mayor, angry but fairly well cowed by now I've done no wrong! * BarbaraW points to the A on her breast And I'm certainly no adulteress! You're right, the A ain't bright enough! Now, Dimmesdale, what you got to say for yourself? I have done no wrong. I am innocent. Well, I'm going to kill ya cause I dont like you and you talk to the evil adulteress! * MayorBob01 looks to Barbara And you, you evil woman, seducing me! I'm a married man! * BarbaraW decides that she has to do something * BarbaraW whispers to Dimmesdale: Can you distract the townspeople somehow? If I get away, they'll have to stall the execution... You, townsperson, light the fire! * townsperson approaches with a burning torch. * townsperson lowers the torch to the kindling. * townsperson pauses and looks at the Mayor. Are you sure this is right, sir? * Dimmesdale whispers back to Barbara: What should I do? I'm not sure... * BarbaraW looks around The torch! If we could set something on fire... Stop talking, you two! You know, sir, it's you that should stop the talking. Excuse me? BURN THEM!!! * townsperson removes his cap and scratches his head. * BarbaraW "accidentally" bumps Dimmesdale into a local woman, whose skirts blow into the lowered torch * yetanothertownsperson is on fire! FIRE! * townsperson drops the torch and panics. * MayorBob01 points to yet another townsperson Put the wench out! * townspeople run about panicking. * yetanothertownsperson starts panicking along with the crowd * yetanothertownsperson is BURNING BURNING! (etc) * BarbaraW is startled as the woman's skirts burst into flame, but must take advantage of the opportunity Quickly! * BarbaraW grabs Dimmesdale and pulls him through the frightened crowd * Dimmesdale has no choice but to follow Barbara * MayorBob01 grabs a torch Townspeople, get the evil spawns of Satan! * yetanothertownsperson would but is just a bit busy burning to death * BarbaraW and Dimmesdale emerge from the crowd and head for the outskirts of town And put that townsperson out! * townsperson starts smothering the flames. * burnttoacrisp thinks it's a bit too late * burnttoacrisp dies painfully. VERY PAINFULLY * the_town goes up in a blaze * townspeople flee in terror! STOP, TOWNSPEOPLE!!! * townspeople scream and shriek. * MayorBob01 grabs two townspeople You two, come on! Get those people or I'll take your house! My town is burning! THEY WILL DIE! * MayorBob01 is ranting * MayorBob01 chases * townspeople follow Mayor Bob. ***** * BarbaraW stops suddenly, frowning as she realizes that the colonial town has turned into a densely forested woodland, carpeted in thick ferns and brightly-colored flowers This doesn't look like the town. Where did the buildings go? I don't recognize this place, either. * Frobisher is in the background looking like a complete dork smelling the flowers with a stupid expression on his face I don't understand...wait...I knew there wasn't something right about this place. It must be... Die die die die die you evil woman! * BarbaraW hears movement, and looks behind her to see the mayor * BarbaraW hitches up her dingy skirts and flees into the forest Madame, wait for me! * Dimmesdale follows Barbara Tracks! Follow them! * townspeople wave their pitchforks. * MayorBob01 grabs his sword Er, boss? Shouldn't we be trying to save our town, which is, as we speak, burning down? You question me!!?!!????!?!?! Er, well... * MayorBob01 cuts the townsperson in half with his sword * townsperson dies messily, blood going everywhere. Damn, that's ruined my trousers. Blood stains don't come out, you know. Now who all thinks we should save the town?? * townspeople stand to attention. Let's go. ***** Ah the scent of fresh flowers! The smell of a man! Bottom... Boh-ttom. I love how it curls around my throa- wuh? * Frobisher fwaps himself and realizes something odd is going on Oy. I really need to pull myself together. * Frobisher goes over to Barbara Hey. What's a nice girl doing in a place like this? * Frobisher faces the camera Now THAT sounds more like it. * Frobisher winks * Frobisher looks back at Barbara * BarbaraW hears a voice and looks down, to see a - penguin?! - wearing a - bra?! and lipstick! * Frobisher forgets that he's a penguin with lipstick and a bra on I - er - are you a penguin...? A talking penguin? Ah, so you do speak. What does it look like? It looks like I've been in that dark room for too long. * MayorBob01 sees the group Uh-oh. Where did all these extras from the 10 Commandments Go to Hell come from? A talking penguin! A demon from Satan!!! Argh!!! * townspeople freeze in terror. * Frobisher is a Whifferdill A penguin. Sheesh. I can't believe the nerve of some people. Slay the SPAWNS OF STATAN!!! * Frobisher realizes his danger. uhhhh ooh. * Frobisher waddles away I'm sorry, I didn't realize... I think we better leave! * Frobisher is yelling this after Barbara * BarbaraW follows Frobisher, in somewhat of a shocked daze * townspeople roar and makle a concerted charge. IE, with tubas and pianos and things. * townspeople attempt the difficult task of Beethoven's concerto while running. * BarbaraW comes to her senses when she hears the tuba noise Steady on the beat! * MayorBob01 grabs Barbara Aah! Now die, you evil slut! * BarbaraW yanks her arm away, scoops up Frobisher and hares away Missed you. Ey! What are you doing?!! What is this?! Put me down! We've got to get away from that crowd. They want to execute us. You, too, now, it seems. Uh, on second thought...just keep on going. * townspeople switch to the William Tell Overture as they give chase. * MayorBob01 follows from a distance * MayorBob01 sends some townspeople back to put out the fire * townspeople sends the brass section off to examine the remains of the town. * brass_section toodles off into the distance. Oy. The Doctor would never let me hear the end of this... The Doctor?! * BarbaraW hasn't thought of him for a while. At least several months! Why me?! I just happen to be an innocent fairy queen dreaming of her darling Bottom? * BarbaraW checks to make sure Dimmesdale is still following Ah Bottom. Boh-ttom. BAH-TAHM. * Frobisher sighs * Frobisher starts singing nice fairy songs I thought you were a Whifferdill. Whatever one of those is. Whifferdill. That has such a nice ring to it. Whi-fer-dill. * Dimmesdale comes out of the other side of the forest back in the middle of town. * the_town has been reduced to ashes. We're back at the town?! La la la la la la. Huh? * Frobisher fwaps himself What happened? Did I go off again? * Frobisher blushes as well as a penguin can * BarbaraW looks at Frobisher What did you say about the Doctor earlier? Is he around here? The Doctor? No, he's not. Although this is almost the kind of joke he would play, except without all the deaths. The hammy melodramatic over the top de mille production just REEKS of him though. You know him? I travelled with him for a couple of years, yes. And we've seen each other on and off since. Where ARE we? What is happening here, anyway? We're in some sort of strange colonial American town. It's like something out of Hawthorne. Hawthorne? Hee Haw? Thorns? Huh?? That's a bit of a coincidence... Yes, it is, isn't it. I think it's time we found out what's at the bottom of this. * townspeople breaks into a Sailor's Hornpipe. This music is terrible! * Dimmesdale goes to the mayor. What? * Dimmesdale grabs a trumpet from the nearest musician and destroys it. * townspeople stop playing belatedly. * townspeople comfort the trumpet player. Bottom! Bottom! My love! My joy! * Frobisher swoons BAH-TUM! * townspeople begin "Ain't he got a lovely bottom", a-cappella style. Would you snap out of it! * BarbaraW slaps the little penguin, causing its wig to fly off * Frobisher shakes his head furiously err... Thank you. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to... Sorry. I can't help it! It just sort of happens! I think certain things just sort of act as triggers. So what do we do now? That mayor has to have something to do with all of this. Oh, I wish Ian were here. Whifferdill. * Frobisher suddenly looks like Ian You rang, Madam? * BarbaraW blinks and drops "Ian" Ian?! Well... uh... err... Yes. I'm Ian. You've been here all along! * BarbaraW hugs Ian * BarbaraW feels her inner strength coming back * Frobisher gets a cigar out of his pocket Got a light? * Frobisher thinks this sounds plausibly Ian-like. Didn't the Doctor use to talk about this amusing guy who worked in theatre named Ian and smoked a lot and lived in the Victorian age? A light? You don't smoke. Of course I do, dear! You remember when you, err, used to work on the stage for me? Err, yeah, that's it. * BarbaraW turns to Ian Work on the stage? But that was only that one time, in medieval Hungary. Medieval Hungary? Come on, let's go talk to that mayor. ***** * MayorBob01 looks around back in the town You realize that this town is a total and complete wreck. So? Well, it _was_ second hand when we got it. * Dimmesdale notices something strange on the ground and suddenly falls down a bottomless plot hole. HEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeelll.............. * BarbaraW walks toward the mayor You know Dimmesdale....where'd he go?!? He went exactly where you're going to go! To the fiery pits of HELL, if you don't unhand these maidens and folk! Well, you know how it is. The slut and the Satan spawn? * townsperson wanders too close to the plot hole and falls in. Arrrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh... What's WITH this gaping hole in the ground anyway??? Uh oh... * MayorBob01 notices the hole Gaping hole in the grooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! * BarbaraW falls down the plot hole, into darkness * Frobisher mumbles to himself: Uh, better do something. Woops! * Frobisher falls soon afterward Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... * MayorBob01 falls in the hole ***** * MistressMel puts her foot on the accellerator. * Christine_O glares at Cwej * Chris_Cwej relaxes and smiles beatifically as the car pulls on his arm Do something, would ya! It's such an interesting experience, why would I want to? Because I'm going to die! * MistressMel revs the car. * Chris_Cwej jerks the whip around Christine's neck as the car lurches forward * Christine_O squeaks * Chris_Cwej giggles as he tries to keep his balance * MistressMel sticks her head out the window. Wait til I hit one hundred... * MistressMel pulls her head in and reaches for the overdrive switch. * Chris_Cwej frowns as his arm is stretched painfully * Chris_Cwej then laughs again and looks at Christine, who is terrified This is fun! Wait...this *isn't* fun... * Christine_O grabs the whip to keep it from pulling as much No, this isn't fun!!! I thought you were a cop or something, you doofus! * Chris_Cwej grimaces as his arm starts to really hurt What am I doing? Vroom! Vroom! * Chris_Cwej, worried, attempts to bite through the whip attached to his wrist, but gets a nasty electric shock Ouch! * Christine_O starts muttering to herself I'm gonna die!! This is it!!! I'm gonna die! * Chris_Cwej thinks about kicking at the car bumper, but realizes if he does that he will completely lose his foothold * the_car accelerates even more. * Chris_Cwej staggers to his right, constricting Christine's windpipe * Christine_O struggles for air Are we enjoying ourselves? * MistressMel is! * Christine_O shoots MistressMel an evil look :grunting: It's great fun, thanks. * Chris_Cwej wishes he'd kept up his Academy exercise training * MistressMel waits to see which will break first. * Chris_Cwej screams as the pressure becomes unbearable and he is yanked off the ground * Christine_O still gasps for air through a constricted windpipe * Christine_O's world starts to go dark * The_whip cannot withstand the pressure and is the first to break * Christine_O collapses * MistressMel tries to regain control of the car as it skids across the ground. * Chris_Cwej is flung to the ground and is dragged after Mistress Mel's Mustang * The_car piles up against the wall. * the_wall comes crashing down to reveal on the other side a woodland scene. * Chris_Cwej tries to rouse himself quickly, and yanks at the cuffs attaching him to the car * MistressMel clambers dazed out of the wreckage, otherwise not a scratch on her. * MistressMel shakes her head to clear it. Well, I guess that experiment was a failure. I'm sorry about your whip. * Chris_Cwej pauses No, I'm really not. * MistressMel looks at Chris. That's all right. It just means we can have some more fun. * Chris_Cwej tugs at the cuffs More fun. Yay. * Chris_Cwej looks over at Christine, worried, and is relieved to see her breathing * MistressMel looks curiously at the woodland scene. I bet _that's_ not supposed to be there. * Chris_Cwej looks over to see the woodland scene, too * Christine_O slowly opens her eyes It doesn't fit with the general theme, no. * Chris_Cwej yanks again, and the cuffs come loose * MistressMel ruffles a hand through her hair. * Chris_Cwej jumps up and backs away in Christine's direction * Christine_O sits up and tries to make sense of what was going on * Chris_Cwej sees her sitting up Are you okay? Yeah, yeah, just fine. Oh well, enough distractions. * MistressMel starts after Cwej. I'll get you, and your little friend too. Damn, she's not dead. Dead? * Chris_Cwej blinks, surprised I don't want to kill her. I just want to hurt her. You little fool. I'm indestructable! Nothing is indestructable. Why don't we just worry about getting out of here. Alive. * Chris_Cwej picks up the pieces of broken whip Ow...these are live! So let's not touch it. * Chris_Cwej tosses them at Mistress Mel and is happy to see one piece get caught in her hair Ack! * MistressMel staggers around, trying to get the whip out of her hair. * Christine_O uses Cwej's arm and stands * Chris_Cwej takes Christine's hand and runs behind a big chunk of post-nuclear debris I don't suppose we could click our heels together 3 times and get home? Lions and tigers and bears, oh my? * Chris_Cwej smiles I don't think so. * MistressMel shakes the whip loose. * plot_hole opens up under MistressMel. * MistressMel falls into the hole. Where'd she go? Who? Mistress Mel? * Chris_Cwej peeks his head around the piece of debris There's a big black hole there. That wasn't there before. * Chris_Cwej slowly walks out, looking around to see if Mistress Mel is hiding somewhere Look, there's the piece of whip. * Chris_Cwej points to the whip bit, which is dangling over the edge of the hole I don't see a bottom to that hole. It does look pretty deep. * plot_hole inches over to Cwej. * Chris_Cwej finds himself almost transfixed by the depths of the hole What is it...? * Christine_O drops a rock down the hole * MistressMel makes a distant yeouch! * Chris_Cwej leans farther forward, following the path of the rock, and overbalances Whoa! * Chris_Cwej tumbles in * Christine_O grabs Chris to help him rebalance * Christine_O gets pulled in after * plot_hole suddenly closes shut. ::ending credits for third episode:: Now that they have fallen into my plot holes they are mine! The one - Barbara - is decidedly more clever than the others. I shall deal with her...separately. * MofLoF removes Barbara from the plot hole and puts her in suspended animation in a glass case * BarbaraW is frozen in time, mouth open in a silent scream, inside the box Now let's deal with the others... * MofLoF gives a maniacal laugh ***** * Frobisher arrives way too suddenly for his comfort urk. * Frobisher looks at a fin Ah. Back to my old self again. * MayorBob01 lands on his butt The weird penguin-looking thing. You moron, I'll kill you later! Uh...you can really stop doing the witchhunter routine now. To tell you the truth, it's getting a bit OLD. * Dimmesdale crashes on top of the mayor. What type of evil is that? * MistressMel lands in an undignified manner on top of Dimmesdale. * MistressMel gets up and brushes herself off. That was uncalled for. * Trumpet, slightly destroyed, lands on top of Mel. Ouch! * MistressMel rubs her head. * Frobisher waddles on over to Mel * MayorBob01 looks again at Frobisher What's a sweet looking girl like... uh... never mind [: Well, you're sweet looking but something tells me you're nothing but sweet. Beastiality doesn't appeal to me. Hey. My place? * MistressMel looks at the penguin with a raised eyebrow. I am NOT a penguin! Whifferdill. * Frobisher is suddenly this brawny Conan-like figure. *ahem* * Frobisher looks at his Tarzan-like body. Hmmm. Errm. Whifferdill. * Frobisher is a penguin again * Chris_Cwej topples down from the hole in the ceiling and glances off Mistress Mel's shoulder Oof! * Christine_O falls down and lands right on top of Cwej Mmpppfff...thanks for breaking the fall. Sure. Any time. Is there anything _else_ up there? * piece_of_debris whistles down and smacks Mistress Mel on her curly red head Ouch! * MistressMel considers investing in an umbrella. Christine O'Connor, by the way. Chris Cwej. Mayor Robert Omera. Bob for short. I thought it was Psycho for short. * Christine_O stands and brushes herself off * Christine_O offers a hand to help Chris stand * Chris_Cwej stands, too, and shakes hands with Christine. Nice to meet you. Dimmesdale, where are we? Beats me. Well, since I'm the mayor, I'll volunteer to lead us out of here! * Dimmesdale gets up * Dimmesdale looks up the plot hole. I wonder if there's anything else up there. * bird_poop comes falling smack into Dimmesdale's face. * Dimmesdale wipes the bird poop from his face. * Chris_Cwej glances at the strange little floating mayor and wonders where he came from Who's in charge here? Where are we? * Chris_Cwej looks as imposing as he can and glares at everyone Looks like we ended up in the Twilight Zone. Look, I don't know where you strange characters out of a book came from, but I, for one, am not from this place. So anyone have any ideas how to get out of here? Does anyone remember how they got here? I certainly don't. * Christine_O looks at Frobisher Oy. Whatcha lookin' at? Never seen a whifferdill before? A what? Never mind. * MistressMel uncoils the spare whip from her belt. And I could have sworn there was someone else here just a few minutes ago. Ah, blast, I've cut myself. I need a doctor. * Frobisher mutters something about never needing to see the Doctor again Thank you very much. Doctor? You know, this gathering looks like some reunion party of his. Errr, which Doctor? * Christine_O looks at Frobisher You know the Doctor? Don't tell me you all know him too? * Christine_O rolls her eyes Yeah. * Frobisher tries to look ignorant * Dimmesdale goes over to the mayor. I'm a doctor; let me take a look at that cut. Thank you. You know, all of a sudden my rage to kill you and that woman are gone. My friend, I think I'm not even a mayor of anything. That's very nice to know, although I think you might have to resign from your position. * MofLoF decides to send the Genre Genie after them * Chris_Cwej sees a cloud of green mist wafting in What's that? * GenreGenie appears in a cloud of smoke in from of everyone! Mwahahahahahahaha! * Chris_Cwej steps in front of Christine protectively Hey, if there's any maniacal laugher to be done around here, _I'm_ doing it. Look. What's the meaning of coming here and just randomly laughing? Sheesh. Go back to JERSEY! Welcome, welcome! I'm here to fill all your dreams and your desires! Oh goody. For a start, you can leave. I think our biggest desire is to get out of here. It's obviously a trap, blonde guy. All your fondest wishes I will make come true! Hmm, how about Paul McGann, tied naked to a bed? * Chris_Cwej suddenly realizes that everyone around him has vanished and he's surrounded by...vintage cars! And airplanes! Look at all the gadgets! * Christine_O looks at Cwej strangely That one's from the twentieth century! * Chris_Cwej points excitedly Um, Chris...are you OK? * MistressMel suddenly finds herself in a room with Victorian styling... * GenreGenie puts Mel in a middle of an erotic novel that doesn't bear repeating * Frobisher has an idea Hey! Laughing thing. Take us to your leader. * Frobisher ahems I can't believe I just said that. I can't believe you just said that either. Great idea. * MayorBob01 moves toward Frobisher * Dimmesdale notices that the plot hole is still open. I wonder if I can climb back up this thing. * Dimmesdale tries to climb up the hole but cannot. It is too bad the hole is one-way only. I said take us to your LEAD- * GenreGenie puts MayorBob and Frobisher in a western Um, where now? I'm dressed like a sheriff. Yes. So you get to go on yet another psychotic rampage. * Frobisher notices their positions Oh, great. It's a B-movie rip off of _High Noon_. * MayorBob01 notices the gun OH GREAT! You're Gary Cooper??? * MayorBob01 drops to the floor That means I'm the bad guy. Lovely. Just lovely. I come all this way to die in some stupid spaghetti western. I don't think so. Ugh, Mr. Frobisher, I think I'm getting the rage again. DIE you pengui...what ever you are scum! * MayorBob01 points his gun at Frobisher * Chris_Cwej jogs over to the biggest car * Christine_O follows Chris Where are you going, you oversized ape! * Chris_Cwej doesn't hear Christine * Chris_Cwej runs his hand over the great paint job of the nearest car - a vivid violet color CHRIS! As soon as they forget themselves and immerse themselves in the novel - they are mine! ::ending credits for fourth episode:: * MistressMel looks over at the bed. Hmm... * MistressMel is tempted, but would rather have the real thing. * MistressMel looks around, opens the door and steps back out. * MistressMel looks around and spots the only person still not affected, Christine. Quick, girl, give him a good slap. * Christine_O notices Chris running towards what looks like a nasty piece of machinery * Chris_Cwej realizes that the car is already humming very loudly Wow, what an engine! * MofLoF plants thoughts in Chris' mind in order to make him accept this as reality The only thing that can break him out of the spell is intense physical stimulation. Physical stimulation??? Oh god!!! Hit him! * Christine_O reaches Chris * Chris_Cwej opens the door of the car/threshing machine and gets ready to step in Let's take this baby for a ride! * Christine_O reaches back and gives Chris a nice left hook * Chris_Cwej reels from the blow * Christine_O grabs Chris' arm and tries to pull him away * Chris_Cwej tumbles back into Christine's arms, and blinks his eyes, focusing on her Where did you come from? I've been here for a while. Chris, it's a thresher! It will kill you! * Chris_Cwej looks back at the ca...ca... That's not a car! * Chris_Cwej pales as he sees the whirring blades into which he almost stepped It's not a car. * Christine_O carefully leads Chris away ***** ::recap:: Ugh, Mr. Frobisher, I think I'm getting the rage again. DIE you pengui...what ever you are scum! * MayorBob01 points his gun at Frobisher ::end of recap:: * Frobisher doesn't believe in the western Hmm? I don't think I hear you because unfortunately you don't exist and this whole thing is a set! * Frobisher kicks into a building Ouch. No, really, it's a set. * Frobisher kicks over a wall See? You're right. This is fake. The gun is fake. Err, at least, I hope it is. Curses! This penguin is too stong-minded! Just repeat after me. This isn't happening! We don't have to continue this scenario. Say it! * MistressMel gives Frobisher a heafty slap. Ouch. But I have this understanding to just kill you. No, you don't! It's all a lie! It's a movie you watched. You're watching a movie. It's not happening. The gun is just a piece of cardboard. And if this is fake, then I'm not real! Say it. Say this isn't real. You're real, but your surroundings aren't. Yes. * MistressMel fwaps Bob. * MofLoF tries to intensify the illusion to Frobisher * Frobisher gets a blinding headache but knows for once to just focus on the matter at hand Yes what? Mr Frobisher, I say me, you and Dimmesdale should get to the bottom of this. * Frobisher notices the guns have turned into cardboard * MofLoF sees his Genre Genie fail! Foiled again! * MofLoF considers sending Stephen King characters to the people I'll have them yet! Are you alright? I'm fine...but my jaw sure hurts. Um, sorry about that. * Christine_O smiles sheepisly Only way to get you to keep from ruining that great bod of yours. * Chris_Cwej grins at Christine * Dimmesdale walks over to the MofLof. * MayorBob01 walks with Dimmesdale What do YOU want - creation of mine? Nothing from you. I just wanted to do something I've always wanted to do for a _long_ time. You have helped bring these people here, your purpose has been served. Purpose? Purpose??!?!?! What is going on here? * Chris_Cwej frowns at the Master of the Land of Fiction Dimmesdale, MayorBob and MistressMel are all creations of mine. * Dimmesdale clenches his fist. * MistressMel smirks. I wouldn't be too sure of that, dear... You ARE, girl, and I can destroy you in a second! * MistressMel steps forward, wielding her whip. Oh, my dear Master, you _have_ been naive. I'm tired of you. I created you from an old erotic novel. I created all of you to trap these people, companions of the Doctor. Who is this Doctor? I don't know; as far as I know, I am a doctor. The Doctor nearly killed me, and foiled my plans. My revenge is to take all his companions - the people he holds most dear - away from him. Everyone here is fictional? And you created them? Actually, no. I'm the _real_ Mistress Mel. And I'm rather annoyed about you nicking my character. So I subtituted myself for her. And now I intend to claim the Land for my own. My dear Mel, you are delusional. I fear I spent far too much time creating you. Delusional? Ha! * MistressMel cracks the whip and draws blood from the Master's hand. That real enough for you? * MofLoF attempts to destroy Mel! Well, I won't be any part of this, you villian! I say, men, let's get him! * MofLoF dispells the Mayor without breaking a sweat. Hmm, well, I can't exactly say I'll miss him. * Chris_Cwej gulps as he sees the mayor just vanish * MistressMel steadfastly remains. You can't destroy something which isn't fictional. * MofLoF's jaw drops! You should be *gone*, girl! * MistressMel conjures a phalanx of Daleks. * Chris_Cwej gapes Daleks! * Chris_Cwej grabs Christine and pulls her out of their path You see, I can wield the power too. Bah, girl, I'm not fooled by your illusions. You use my power against me?!!?! I do. It's _my_ power now. * MofLoF attempts to remove Mel again * MofLoF and Mel battle Ugh. My head. My aching head. * Frobisher goes up to Chris Cwej, confused. Bartender, I'd like a Manhattan, please. Stirred, not shaken. * Frobisher falls over * Chris_Cwej spies a large pen on a nearby console, next to a pad * Chris_Cwej reads the pad * Pad says "Chris and Christine tumble into the plot hole..." * Chris_Cwej grabs the pen and writes "The plot hole suddenly appears and engulfs the man behind this fiasco!" * plot_hole opens up beneath Chris and Christine. Hey! That's not what I wrote! * Chris_Cwej falls through the plot hole with Christine * MistressMel materialises an anvil over the Master's head. * MistressMel watches as the Master falls into a second plot hole. Ahhhh!!! No no no. * Dimmesdale frees Barbara from her trance. * LandOfFiction shakes and begins to crumble * BarbaraW blinks as the glass box surrounding her vanishes What's going on? * BarbaraW grabs Dimmesdale for support as the ground shakes This whole place is crumbling. Follow me. * BarbaraW grabs Frobisher, who seems to have passed out Are you all right? Guh. I asked for a Manhattan, not a Scotch and soda! * Frobisher makes a strange noise Uh... good morning! Or should I say bad morning. * Dimmesdale goes down the hole with Barabara. Not again! * MistressMel reasserts control over the Land of Fiction. * Dimmesdale looks at his surroundings, the town, and notices it that it is exactly the way it was before the fire. Girl, the Land and me are the same - if I am destroyed, it goes too! Then I'll destroy you both! If I can't have the Land, no one can! * MofLoF fights with Mel * MistressMel summons a huge cataclysm. This land is MY creation! And this land _will_ be my toy. * MofLoF suddenly has an idea You want this land? Yes. * MistressMel narrows her eyes. Fine - take it, and I'll have your life in the real world. You'll be trapped here forever! * MistressMel smirks. Very well. Hahahahahahaha! You've given me something the Doctor wouldn't give me. Enjoy your life here - if you can call it that! Tell the squad of Daleks waiting for you I said hello. At least I'll die and rest in peace, for you though - this will be a hell for which there is no escape. That's what I have my handy artificial Land of Fiction master-o-matic brain for. * MistressMel sends the Master back to her life. * MistressMel hooks the brain up to the Master Computer. * MistressMel works at the controls, bringing the land back under control. Now, to send the Doctor's companions back. I wouldn't have need of them for a while yet. * master-o-matic makes a burbling, wailing noise. * MistressMel pats the little box. Aren't we going to have fun together? ShuT Up punt Drunk. * MistressMel fwaps the box. Just my luck to buy a defective brain. ***** * BarbaraW suddenly spills back into existence in Tesco * BarbaraW puts a hand to her head How DARE you run into me like that! I've got a lot of errands to run! HMMPF! It's the supermarket...I'm back! * BarbaraW looks at the shopper Oh...I'm terribly sorry, madam, but it's been a strange day. * Shopper looks at Barbara cruelly and goes off in a huff and promptly smacks into the canned foods aisle * BarbaraW goes off in search of her cart, then home to Ian ***** * Chris_Cwej reappears in the cockpit of the shuttle Christine! Hello there, Chris. How did you get here? I have no idea. This is definitely not my boring apartment. Well...I was just on my way to find a friend of mine. Should I drop you off somewhere? Um... well... You see, it's like this... I have no life. It's dull. I'm a therapist, I'm single... I lead a very dull life. * Chris_Cwej grins slowly Then we'll just see the sights together. Sounds like a plan. * Christine_O smiles Thanks. * Chris_Cwej checks the settings, and the shuttle cruises to Domentia with an extra passenger ***** * Frobisher is suddenly sitting down relaxed. Ah. No bra! No lipstick! Hmm. This is a good sign. Now the only thing that could make this better would be a nice big gin & tonic. * _TARDIS_ groans into corporeality OH great. No gin in the TARDIS stores. * Doc-6 opens the door and struts out holding a fishing rod Uh, hello? Ah, there you are, Frobisher. Are you quite done playing poker with your mates? As usual, you show up right AFTER I manage to avoid being killed in as many non-human ways possible. I've just given up the chance to snare the biggest gumblejack you've ever seen to pick you up. You should be grateful! For your information, Mr Time and Space, I happened to have been - * Frobisher tries to get a word in edge wise and decides to completely stop Grateful? Come on, back into the TARDIS. Peri's getting impatient to see you again. Okay okay. I'm grateful. Just get me a large gin & tonic and you can tell me all about it. I'll think about it. * Doc-6 ushers the penguin into the TARDIS * _TARDIS_ dematerializes ::the end!::