23 August 1997

                    Doctor Who - Shirley and the Schultz
            starring the fourth Doctor, Ian Chesterton and Nyssa

        Bob01 (drbobwho@hotmail.com) - DrCindy
        Drake (godzilla@aug.com) - Ian_Chesterton
        DrGrace (judiang@idt.net) - McCoy, Mr_Dale
        ElsaF (elsaf@pipeline.com) - TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman
        Haem (haem@lys.vnet.net) - Nyssa_
        JGarthW (jgw@cyberspc.mb.ca) - A_Bartender
        Jondar (jondar@fl.net.au) - Pub_Crowd, Doctor4, TARDIS_chime
        Meliphyre (mwhite@memphisonline.com) - McCracken
        trinalin (trinalin@earthlink.net) - Tankard, Shirley_Barnabas
        Xirtam (engk1@lasalle.edu) - Timothy^

------------------------------------------------------------------------

::teaser::

::London, the present day - a pub called the Bull and Whip, a nice
  English pub with lots of rowdy English men::

* McCoy throws the last dart and laughs heartily

<McCoy> 'Cor!  Will ya look at that!

* McCoy returns to the table where his mates are watching

<Timothy^> Aye, it's a beauty!

* A_Bartender wipes the bar

* DrCindy sits in a nearby booth drinking her vodka martini (shaken, not
  stirred, of course)

<McCoy> Bullseye, it was! How about another go round, what ya say?

<Timothy^> Aye, why not?

* McCoy waves to the bartender

<McCoy> Aye! 'Nother round of ales for me mate.

* A_Bartender gets the men another round

<Tankard> Bullseye?  Bulls***!

* McCoy turns around

<Tankard> That was a bullseye like you're a man of grace!

<McCoy> Bulls***!  Bulls***? Ya saw wit yer own two eyes!

* A_Bartender watches out for a fight

* McCoy turns to the bartender

<McCoy> AYE! Some ales over 'ere!

* Timothy^ sips his drink

* DrCindy sees how Timothy reacts to the beer

* Pub_Crowd stops their drinking

<Tankard> I think yer eyes need fixin, mate.

* Tankard pokes McCoy in the chest

<McCracken> Aye, that's right, laddies, throw the fists!

* A_Bartender serves some ale

* McCoy grabs the ale and sloshes it around

<McCoy> Yer blind! Look at the bloody dart!
                  
* Tankard takes McCoy's beer and throws it in his face

<Tankard> Now that should help clean out your eyes

* McCoy sputters in rage

* A_Bartender gets the cricket bat from behind the bar

<McCoy> Yer lil a***--!

* McCracken continues to sip beer

* McCoy rushes at Tankard

* Tankard breaks the beer glass on the counter to use as a weapon
* Tankard points the glass at McCoy

<McCoy> Oh! Yer lil ponce. Yer can't fight man to man!

<McCracken> Neither of ya can fight, ye wimps!!

* Tankard throws the glass on the floor

<Tankard> Right, then!

* Tankard holds up his fists

* McCoy rushes in to throw a druken punch

* A_Bartender watches, but is ready to stop it if it bores him
* A_Bartender loves to watch a good fight, that's why he owns a pub

* Timothy^ stands up

* Tankard hits McCoy with a punch to his gut

<McCoy> Ooooooof!

* McCoy lands a good upper cut to Tankard

* Tankard falls back against Timothy's table

<McCracken> Jolly good show, lads!

* Timothy^ tries to break it up

<Timothy^> Hey now, guys...

* McCoy goes sprawling over a table
* McCoy scrambles up howling mad

<Tankard> Oi, you little git! Get out of the way!

<McCoy> Git outta way, or yer git some too!

* Tankard tries to push Timothy out of the way

<Timothy^> No!

* Timothy^ oofs to the side

* McCoy shoulders Timothy out of the way

<DrCindy> Ah, now it's taking effect.

<McCracken> Send me 'nother, bartender!

* A_Bartender gives another to McCracken

<Timothy^> Can't we all just get along?

* Tankard turns to Timothy

<Tankard> Get along with this, fairy cake!

<Timothy^> Uh-oh...

* Tankard punches Timothy on the jaw

* Timothy^ holds his jaw

* Tankard turns to get punched by McCoy

* McCracken gets beer all over his shirt and stands

<Timothy^> Owwwwwwww, that hurt! Meany!

* McCoy starts to throw another punch
* McCoy sends Tankard sprawling and gapes at his mate

<McCoy> What did yer just say?

<Timothy^> You're a meany too!

<McCoy> What the hell? Yer a flaming fairy or somtin'?

<Timothy^> Stop cursing like that, it's not nice!

* McCracken grabs Timothy's scruff

<DrCindy> Agh, stupid men. Always fighting about their damn manliness.

<McCracken> You made me spill beer on me good shirt, you git!!

* Tankard is incapacitated at this point in time and can only gurgle

<McCoy> Tankard, snap out of it!

<McCracken> Move outta the way, lads, and let me show you what a real man
            can do.

* McCracken picks Timothy up by the shirt and slams him against the wall

<Timothy^> Ow!

* A_Bartender is taking bets with the crowd

* McCoy cold cocks McCracken and knocks him out
* McCoy moves to Tankards side and roughly shakes him

* Timothy^ gets up again

* McCoy looks strangely at Timothy
* McCoy whispers savagely:

<McCoy> Stop this poof business!

* Tankard wakes up to find McCoy holding him

<Tankard> Oi! Let go, you git!

* Tankard pushes him aside.

* McCoy lets him go.

<McCoy> Outta here, yer git.

* Tankard gets up and staggers to the bar

<Tankard> Oi, barkeep. You can keep this place. I don't see any reason to
          return to it.

* Tankard leaves the Bull and Whip

<A_Bartender> Thank you for your comments. Have a nice day, sir.

* A_Bartender mumbles under his breath when Tankard's out of range

<A_Bartender> Git.

* A_Bartender begins to clean up

* McCracken gets up, brushes himself off and leaves

* DrCindy gets up for another drink and fwaps a guy on the way

* DrCindy whispers:

<DrCindy> Yes, yes, it's working! Little git is going to turn yellower
          than a piece of gold at the end of the rainbow!

* McCoy whispers to Timothy

<McCoy> Pull yerself together!

<Timothy^> I'm fine...just feel a little nauseous.

* McCoy stares disdainfully

<McCoy> Nauseous? 

<Timothy^> Yes...

<McCoy> Yer always been able to hold yer stuff.

* McCoy looks at Timothy strangely

* Timothy^ clamps his hand over his mouth

* McCoy glances nervously at the staring crowd

<McCoy> Oh geeez...

<Timothy^> *cough*

* Timothy^ swallows
* Timothy^ runs into the bathroom

* McCoy stares after him, appalled

* Timothy^ runs out of the ladies room and goes into the mens'

* DrCindy whispers again

<DrCindy> This is very good.

* McCoy sees the bartender looking
* McCoy glares

* A_Bartender shakes his head in wonder.

<A_Bartender> Seen many a strange thing...

* DrCindy leaves the pub and now knows that the male race is doomed

* McCoy decides to check on his mate and finds him crying in 
  the bathroom
* McCoy gapes and curses under his breath

::title credits::

<Doctor4> So, Ian... what do you think of the console room?

<Ian_Chesterton> Well, Doctor, I must say it is change from the old one.
                 A bit smallish, don't you think?

<Doctor4> Yes, it is, rather... but it suits me fine. You should see the
          boot cupboard.

<Ian_Chesterton> I'm afraid the Doctor...er...you didn't let us wander
                 about the TARDIS.

<Doctor4> Oh yes, I remember that now... fortunately I've mellowed with
          age.

* Ian_Chesterton smiles at the strange new Doctor

<Ian_Chesterton> Sure you have... You will take a bit getting used to,
                 Doctor.

<Doctor4> Oh yes... I took a while to get used to myself.

* Ian_Chesterton laughs

<Ian_Chesterton> Where are we going, Doctor?

<Doctor4> Erm... I thought Earth... say about 30 years after you left me
          the first time.

* Ian_Chesterton tries to read the strange TARDIS controls

<Ian_Chesterton> 1995?

<Doctor4> Yes. 1995... a good year. Got to watch out for another Ian
          though...or another me, for that matter.

* Doctor4 smiles

* Ian_Chesterton wonders if he and Barabara are still together, maybe
  grandparents of a mob of kids?

<Ian_Chesterton> How many are there of you?

<Doctor4> Oh, four at the moment... but there will be 13 eventually. If
          you want to look around the corridors, feel free. Just watch out
          for the door marked "Area 9". It's dangerous to humans.

<Ian_Chesterton> Area 9?

<Doctor4> Oh yes, some nasty experiment there.

<Ian_Chesterton> All right, Doctor. I'll just go check my old room.

<Doctor4> OK, you do that. I'll be in the console room. Don't get lost!

<Ian_Chesterton> I think I left a copy of "How to visit Mars on 50,000
                 space dollars a day" in my room.

* Ian_Chesterton leaves the console room

* Doctor4 sees Ian leave and turns to the controls

* Ian_Chesterton thinks...was it this way, or that way?

<Ian_Chesterton> Now please behave, TARDIS, ole girl. Let Mr. Chesterton
                 find his old room.

                                    *****

* Shirley_Barnabas is in her office at Schultz Beer
* Shirley_Barnabas yells in her intercom

<Shirley_Barnabas> Dale, get yer rear in here!

* Mr_Dale nervously jumps and scurries
* Mr_Dale enters

<Mr_Dale> Yes, Ms Barnabas?

* Mr_Dale gazes with large doe eyes

<Shirley_Barnabas> I want to know if Cindy is back from her fieldtest.
                   Go to her lab and check.

<Mr_Dale> Not yet, Ms Barnabas. She is expected very shortly.

<Shirley_Barnabas> Hmmmmm. Well, I want you to go and wait for her. I
                   want her report as soon as she's here.

<Mr_Dale> Yes, Ms Barnabas. Would you like anything else, Ms Barnabas?

<Shirley_Barnabas> Yes, get me a cup of espresso before you go.

* Mr_Dale nods happily

<Mr_Dale> Oh yes, Ms Barnabas.

* Mr_Dale scurries out

                                    *****

* Ian_Chesterton finds the right corridor after three tries

<Ian_Chesterton> There it is!

* Ian_Chesterton opens the door

* Nyssa_ looks up from where she has just finished repairing
  the ion bonder

* Ian_Chesterton sees a very pretty young girl

<Nyssa_> Hello Doc -

* Nyssa_ stops, and jumps up

<Ian_Chesterton> Oh, excuse me.

<Nyssa_> You're not the Doctor!

<Ian_Chesterton> No, I'm not. I'm Ian Chesterton.

* Nyssa_ blinks

<Ian_Chesterton> Er, uhm, this used to be my room.

<Nyssa_> I've heard of you.

* Ian_Chesterton sticks out his hand

* Nyssa_ tentatively shakes hands with Ian, still uncomfortable with the
  odd custom

<Ian_Chesterton> And you are...?

<Nyssa_> I'm Nyssa.

* Nyssa_ isn't sure what to do with this odd person in her room, so
  decides to find the Doctor
* Nyssa_ snatches up the ion bonder

<Ian_Chesterton> Nyssa, what an interesting name.

<Nyssa_> It's Trakenite.

<Ian_Chesterton> Trakenite?

* TARDIS_chime sounds

<Ian_Chesterton> What's that?

* Ian_Chesterton is confused by the name and the sound

<Nyssa_> I'm not sure. It must be something the Doctor's installed. We
         should find him...

<Ian_Chesterton> Yes, follow me.

<Nyssa_> Careful of that beaker on your way out.

* Ian_Chesterton charges down the wrong corridor

<Nyssa_> It's this way.

* Nyssa_ points, and leads Ian back to the console room

<Ian_Chesterton> Oh, right!

* Ian_Chesterton tries not to show his embarrassment
* Ian_Chesterton follows

* Nyssa_ smiles at the Doctor as she enters

<Nyssa_> Hello Doctor. I've just met Ian. You didn't tell me you were
         bringing him on board...

<Doctor4> Ah! Nyssa! Yes, I did. You were too engrossed in the ion bonder
          repairs.

* Ian_Chesterton thinks the Doctor still likes the young women on board

<Nyssa_> Oh yes - it's fixed now.

* Nyssa_ holds it out for the Doctor's inspection

* Doctor4 looks at the tool... yes... interesting... still inferior to my
  sonic screwdriver though

<Doctor4> Never mind that now. We've landed... Manchester 1995.

<Nyssa_> Manchester? I hoped I'd seen the last of it.

<Ian_Chesterton> Manchester...not London?

<Doctor4> Can't have London. A chance of seeing an older you there.

* Ian_Chesterton nods

<Doctor4> So, shall we take a look? We're just outside the Arandale Centre,
          near a nice pub.

<Ian_Chesterton> A pub sounds good to me, Doctor.

<Doctor4> Yes, I thought it would.

* Doctor4 smiles as he opens the doors

* Nyssa_ isn't very fond of pubs, but will go along

* Doctor4 walks out and heads straight for the pub

* Ian_Chesterton marches out
* Ian_Chesterton looks about

* Nyssa_ closes the TARDIS door as she exits

<Ian_Chesterton> Looks the same, but different.

<Doctor4> I wonder if they do a good ginger pop?

<Ian_Chesterton> You need a man's drink, Doctor.

<Doctor4> What, lemonade?

<Ian_Chesterton> Of course, Doctor.

* Ian_Chesterton laughs

                                    *****

* TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman smiles down from the TV screen

<TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman> Schultz Beer, the ONLY beer for real men!

* A_Bartender spits in a glass to clean it

* Doctor4 enters the pub and walks to the bar

* Nyssa_ wrinkles her nose as they enter

<Doctor4> Barkeep!

<TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman> I like a beer with a firm, stable head!

* A_Bartender looks up

<Doctor4> I'll have a pint... a pint of ginger pop.

<TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman> A beer that puts hair on your chest!

* Ian_Chesterton soaks in the ambience of the place and about gags from
  the smoke

<TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman> If you drink Schultz, women will adore you!

* Nyssa_ has to giggle at the silly advertisement showing on the
  primitive television

<Doctor4> And Ian would like... Ian?

<Ian_Chesterton> I'll have a pint of your best!

<TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman> Just look at me!

* Doctor4 turns to Ian

* Ian_Chesterton looks at the TV

<TV_Star_Beer_Spokesman> I drink Schultz and I'm the toast of the town!

* Ian_Chesterton mumbles Schultz

<Ian_Chesterton> I'll take a...Schultz!

<Nyssa_> I'll just have a water, please.

* A_Bartender serves water

* Nyssa_ sips it, and gags on the unpurified flavor

<A_Bartender> Oh, you wanted the *clean* water.

* A_Bartender serves a pint of ginger pop to the scarfed customer

* Doctor4 takes the glass, and lays down a variety of coins on the table

* A_Bartender looks at the alien currency

* Doctor4 whispers to Nyssa:

<Doctor4> Good choice. Never trusted the beer, and this ginger pop is
          terrible!

* Nyssa_ whispers back:

<Nyssa_> It couldn't be much worse than this water.

* Ian_Chesterton waits for his beer

* A_Bartender serves a Schultz

* Ian_Chesterton takes a sip

<Ian_Chesterton> This isn't half bad...

* Ian_Chesterton drinks some more, draining the mug

* Doctor4 looks at Ian seemingly enjoying the beer

* Ian_Chesterton starts to feel funny

<Ian_Chesterton> Oh my...

* Doctor4 looks at Ian again... something is coming over him

<Ian_Chesterton> I feel giddy as a school girl!

* Ian_Chesterton giggles

* Nyssa_ stares wide-eyed at Ian

<Doctor4> Ian, are you OK? You look strange.

<Ian_Chesterton> Oh, I feel terrific, Docker! Hee!

* McCoy sits down the bar and glowers into his ale

* Doctor4 looks at the remains of the beer in Ian's glass

<Ian_Chesterton> You must try this beer, Doc! You too, Nysser!

<Doctor4> I'd rather not...

<Nyssa_> Is he usually like this?

<Doctor4> No, he most certainly isn't. I don't know what's come over him.

* A_Bartender thinks this place is starting to become a fern bar...

* McCoy notices the weird tall man and curses anew under his breath

<Ian_Chesterton> Oh, give us a hug, Doc!

* Ian_Chesterton moves to hug the Doctor and Nyssa

* Doctor4 boggles...HUG!

* Nyssa_ stumbles under Ian's weight but manages to hug him back

<Nyssa_> Is he normally like *this*?!

<Doctor4> This isn't like Ian at all.

* McCoy mutters:

<McCoy> Bloody hell. More poofs!

<Ian_Chesterton> I love you two so much.

<Doctor4> Nyssa, try and help me get Ian back to the TARDIS.

<Nyssa_> All right...

<Ian_Chesterton> If only Barbara and Susan could be here...

* Nyssa_ shifts in the hug so that one of Ian's arms is around her neck

* Ian_Chesterton starts to sniffle

* Nyssa_ takes hold of Ian's arm and starts to pull him toward the door

* Doctor4 takes Ian's other arm and heads for the door

<Ian_Chesterton> I don't want to GOOOOO!

* Ian_Chesterton struggles

<Ian_Chesterton> I like it here!

<Doctor4> Of course you do, Ian, but you'll like the TARDIS even more.

* Nyssa_ frowns as Ian yanks his arm out of her grasp

* McCoy tosses down some coins and gets up from the bar, running into the
  strange men
* McCoy glares

<McCoy> 'ey, watch where yer goin'.

* Nyssa_ looks at McCoy

<Nyssa_> Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

<Doctor4> Excuse me!

<Ian_Chesterton> Oh, excuse us, hon!

* McCoy looks at Ian in dismay

<Ian_Chesterton> How about a hug?

<McCoy> Bloody 'ell! An outbreak of poofs!

<Doctor4> Would you mind stepping aside? We are leaving.

<Nyssa_> He needs medical assistance.

* Ian_Chesterton grins

* Nyssa_ takes Ian's arm again

* McCoy mimics the tall fella

<McCoy> "Excuse me". An even bigger poof!

* Doctor4 gets annoyed with this stranger
* Doctor4 prepares to deal with the stranger, but Ian stops him

* Ian_Chesterton struggles and reaches for the stranger

<Ian_Chesterton> Poof?

<Nyssa_> Ian, don't.

<McCoy> Nay, I'll not step aside. Yer move me, poof!

* A_Bartender hopes for a decent fight this time

* Ian_Chesterton tries to hug McCoy

* McCoy bristles belligerently

<McCoy> Get this git offa me!

* McCoy shoves Ian hard

* Ian_Chesterton starts to come to his senses
* Ian_Chesterton wonders why he's trying to hug this man?

* Nyssa_ looks at Ian, concerned

<Ian_Chesterton> Hey! No need to push, mate.

* Ian_Chesterton shakes his head, trying to clear it

* Doctor4 looks at Ian

<Doctor4> That's more like the Ian I remember.

<McCoy> Oh yeah? Yer had your bleeding hands all over me. Whatcha take me
        fer?

<Nyssa_> Nobody laid a finger on you.

* Ian_Chesterton stands straight and sees the man is blocking their way

<Ian_Chesterton> Would you please move?

<McCoy> Bloody ponce!

<Ian_Chesterton> What?

* Ian_Chesterton loses his cool and punches McCoy

* Doctor4 quickly moves out of the way as McCoy crashes into him

* McCoy gets in Ian's face

<McCoy> PONCE!

* Nyssa_ tries to diffuse the situation

<Nyssa_> This isn't necessary...

* A_Bartender begins to take bets with the customers

* Ian_Chesterton grabs McCoy by the throat

<Nyssa_> Ian!

<Ian_Chesterton> I think you need a lesson in manners...

<Doctor4> Nyssa, I'd stay out of it, if I were you... these can get nasty.

* McCoy falls out in the floor

* Nyssa_ takes the Doctor's advice, though reluctantly, and steps back

* McCoy tries to scramble to his feet
* McCoy charges towards Ian

<Ian_Chesterton> I think a little trick i learned from the Aztecs should
                 help your attitude.

* Ian_Chesterton jumps towards McCoy

* McCoy bellows with rage

* Ian_Chesterton swings a right, then a left

* McCoy takes the blow and swings without landing any punches

* Ian_Chesterton tries a judo move or two

* Nyssa_ presses herself back against a table, hoping to stay out of the
  way of the fight
* Nyssa_ lets her hand dangle near the ion bonder, just in case

* McCoy staggers back and charges again

* Ian_Chesterton uses McCoy's weight to fling him across a table...hard

* McCoy crashes to the floor, unconscious

<Ian_Chesterton> Well.

* A_Bartender was wise to bet on the long shot Ian

* Doctor4 suddenly remembers some trick one of his previous incarnations
  learnt
* Doctor4 moves toward the pile of body and table and does an aikido move
  for good measure

* Ian_Chesterton brushes himself off

* Doctor4 turns to Ian

<Doctor4> It's good to have you back.

<Ian_Chesterton> Sorry about that, I don't know what came over me.

<Doctor4> But you were acting _very_ strangely before.

<Ian_Chesterton> Was I? It's all kind of foggy to me.

<Doctor4> Yes, acting all kindness and huggy.

<Ian_Chesterton> Hugging? Me?!

* Ian_Chesterton blushes

<Doctor4> Yes, very huggy.

<Ian_Chesterton> Don't rub it in, Doctor.

<Nyssa_> It must have been something in that beverage. Where did you put
         the glass?

<Doctor4> It's over on the bar, Nyssa. Keep it, I'll do some tests in the
          lab.

* A_Bartender is washing the glass with spit

* Nyssa_ walks over to the bar to see the bartender washing the glass
* Nyssa_ thinks a moment

<Nyssa_> Do you have another of those...what he had? And could I borrow a
         glass?

* A_Bartender serves the woman in the, um, interesting clothes a Schultz

* Nyssa_ smiles

<Nyssa_> Thank you.

* Nyssa_ takes it and walks over to the Doctor

<Ian_Chesterton> It was after I saw that commercial...

<Doctor4> Hmmm... subliminial advertising, used on a large scale.

<Nyssa_> Here you are, Doctor.

* Nyssa_ holds up the Schultz, complete with glass

<Ian_Chesterton> I don't think I want another taste of that.

* Doctor4 takes the glass

<Doctor4> Thank you, Nyssa.

* A_Bartender realizes that the alien coins that the Doctor gave him are
  24K GOLD!!!!! The drinks are paid for!
* A_Bartender thinks about retiring...

* Doctor4 cautiously sniffs the beer

<Ian_Chesterton> Be careful, Doctor.

<Nyssa_> Shall I run a chemical analysis on it for you?

<Doctor4> Yes, I think you'll have to... doesn't smell right. We'll do it
          back in the TARDIS.

<Nyssa_> Right.

* Doctor4 heads back to the TARDIS

* Ian_Chesterton follows, glad to be rid of the pub

<Ian_Chesterton> At least we didn't run into a Dalek.

* Doctor4 fishes out his key and opens the doors

::end of episode one::

::to be continued!::