27 September 1997 Doctor Who - A Deal with the Devil starring Melanie Bush and Sabalom Glitz AldenB (abates@wn.planet.gen.nz) - Mel_Bush Haem (haem@lys.vnet.net) - Booming_Voice, Canyon, Black_Guardian, FunnyBird, Photo, Time_Lords, Lift, Swarm_of_Guards, Guards, Elmugi, President_Reben Jondar (jondar@fl.net.au) - Treynid, Staser_fire trinalin (trinalin@earthlink.net) - Sabalom_Glitz -------------------------------------------------------------------------- * Mel_Bush bounces into the co-pilot seat of the Nosferatu III So Mel, where to next? Well, how about some of these brochures I've got? Avalone sounds nice... What do they get up to in Avalone? * Mel_Bush opens a brochure and begins reading. Any good gambling casinos there? Booze? Women? Glitz! * Sabalom_Glitz wonders why Mel can't pick classy places to travel to No, we'll have to find a better place. All of these places look nice. How about Calufrax? Calufrax? Yes... oh wait. Is that some sort of health resort like that Kellogg's place was? I remember the Doctor saying it was destroyed a while ago. * Mel_Bush purses her lips. Hmmm - destroyed? Merely devastated, or the whole planet gone? I've not been looting in quite some time, you know. All gone, I think. Not since I started traveling with you, in fact... * Sabalom_Glitz sighs Well, I don't know. Have you ever been to the Eye of Orion? Yes - bloody boring place it is too. The natives are all so peaceful. Not one wanted to purchase the weapons I was selling. They're _supposed_ to be. Look, if you want to do some deals, none of the places I'll suggest will be any help. * Mel_Bush taps her foot. How do you expect me to keep up my fine income if we don't do any good deals? * Sabalom_Glitz is accustomed to living on the high-life Fine income? Well, how do you think I can afford this fashionable attire? And this fashionable girth, for that matter. * Sabalom_Glitz smiles to himself I always thought you got it out of a dump! * Sabalom_Glitz looks hurt As for this girth... * Mel_Bush prods Glitz. Oi! Watch where you're prodding! One of these days those diligent digits will fall upon something they oughtn't! When was the last time you were on the exerciser? Oh, didn't I tell you? I sold the exerciser. You WHAT! * Mel_Bush squeaks Told a group of Pacleds that it was the finest weapon for parsecs. They believed me, of course. It was true, come to think of it... I don't believe this! You sold it as a _weapon_! Well, exercise machines don't sell well. You're not _supposed_ to sell it! What do you think's going to happen when they try to _use_ it? Well, as I understand it, they were going to use it to attack Earth. So by making a few grotzis, I've saved your miserable little planet. That's just the charitable sort of bloke I am. Oh! * Mel_Bush thinks. Maybe I can improvise something from the equipment in the hold. Well, you didn't really need all those chains and straps and things, did you? * Mel_Bush wonders what they were for. Glitz hasn't told her yet. Chains and straps? You got rid of my, um, my... Oh, that's alright then. I wasn't needing them anyway. No, I haven't got rid of your chains. Not yet, anyway. What? Oh! Good. * Sabalom_Glitz thinks of a place to hide his torture instruments from Mel... I was just considering adapting them for exercises. * Sabalom_Glitz frowns Hmmmm - is there any reason why we're heading for Gallifrey? I don't recall setting the course heading for that. I don't know. I haven't set them either. Oi! Now the landing sequence has started. * Booming_Voice is only heard in Glitz' head Everything is under control. * Sabalom_Glitz grabs his head OW! What gives! Are you all right? No, I'm not flipping all right. If I were all right, would I be doubled over in pain? * Sabalom_Glitz is finding it hard to believe the voice in his head It says everything is so bloody all right... * Mel_Bush thinks. Well, you might if... Oh! We're going to crash! * Mel_Bush jumps up and tries to wrestle with the controls. * Sabalom_Glitz is almost recovered No, don't worry. I think we'll be okay. * Sabalom_Glitz thinks clearer now Yeah, it's going to be just fine. * Sabalom_Glitz smiles as he agrees with the voice in his head What happened? You haven't taken anything you shouldn't have, have you? Nah, I left that stuff back on Regal. I should hope so, too. Last time you saw purple dragons. I think it was contaminated with something else. Well Mel, we have a mission at last... A mission from who? * Sabalom_Glitz watches as the ship finalizes the landing procedure There - see, things are looking up. Come on, who's this mission from? Oh, no one that you would know, Mel. Just someone who's going to make us filthy rich. * Mel_Bush looks suspiciously at Glitz. All of your dreams will be realized. Yeah, and all of my dreams will be realized. * Sabalom_Glitz looks at Mel in a funny way * Sabalom_Glitz smiles Are you sure you're all right? Come on, Twiggy, let's get going. Twiggy?! * Sabalom_Glitz grabs Mel's arm and leads her out of the ship Proceed to the edge of the canyon. Alone. * Sabalom_Glitz looks out at the loading bay What canyon? Mel, do you see a canyon anywhere? Canyon? What are you talking about? Yeah, a large hole in the ground that people throw money into. * Mel_Bush looks around. Behind you! * Sabalom_Glitz turns around Oh! Why would a race as intelligent as the Time Lords build a landing bay next to a canyon? Maybe to catch the ships that miss? * Sabalom_Glitz chuckles at Mel's joke * Canyon shimmers eerily * Sabalom_Glitz goes over to the edge Careful! Alone. Mel, you stay back there, okay? What?! * Mel_Bush puts her hands on her hips. What are you up to, Sabalom Glitz? I'll be all right over here by this enormous chasm. * Sabalom_Glitz gulps * Black_Guardian shimmers into existence where only Glitz can see him * Black_Guardian floats in the center of the tear in the earth Wow! That's some party trick! I'll bet you can charge a few grotzis to perform that at parties, can't you? Sabalom Glitz. You are in need of wealth? * Black_Guardian eyes him critically Though why do you have that funny bird on your head? I'd think that would put off the kiddies in the party. * FunnyBird squawks and its eyes turn red * FunnyBird zaps Glitz It has its uses. * Sabalom_Glitz shakes his head clear Wow, I'd say that probably doubles the price for your appearances then. * Black_Guardian's voice is a little harsher You are in need of wealth? Material pleasures? Oh, always, my good man. Material pleasures are wantonly sought out by myself and my esteemed colle... well, she doesn't seem to have the same needs as I... Then I have a proposition for you. You must, of course, accept. If I can get a good money packet out of this, I will accept. I promise you, your rewards shall be great. Greater even than you can imagine. There is a man residing within the Gallifreyan Capitol. * Photo materializes in Glitz' hands You shall kill him. An assassin? How boring! I've not done assassinations in years. They really take a dent out of your reputation. You have the necessary skill. * Sabalom_Glitz looks at the photo Though, by the looks of this bloke, I'd be doing him a favor. Precisely. * Black_Guardian smiles creepily * FunnyBird squawks All right, birdhead, I'll do the foul deed. If you pay me up front. I don't believe in COD. Your payment, by necessity, cannot come until after you have completed your task. Then I ain't doing it, mate. * Sabalom_Glitz throws the photo down the void Get yerself a punter if you want to play that way. I'm a genuine businessman, I am. I demand respect! You *will* do it. * FunnyBird shoots a deep red beam from its eyes * Sabalom_Glitz recovers from the blast Of course, I could wait until AFTER I kill the toff before I get the goods... No reason to be stoic about old business methods. Much better. Now be gone. I shall be watching. * Black_Guardian fades away as the photo reappears in Glitz' hand All right then. * Canyon shimmers and starts to dissolve back into the featureless landscape of Gallifrey Now I'd LOVE to know how he did that. All right Mel, we've got our specifications. We're to see a bloke from the High Council. What specification? And where'd that canyon go? I'm not moving 'til I get some answers. Well, we need to complain to this bloke about how one of the planets that Gallifrey has hold over is being treated. Oh, well, in that case... You see, the Doctor's about the only good thing that ever came of this planet. It's mostly full of wasters and politicians who try to take advantage of the little people. * Mel_Bush fumes. We should go there immediately! * Sabalom_Glitz smiles at Mel Then let's be off! * Sabalom_Glitz walks to the exit of the Landing Bay Next stop, the Panopticon! * Mel_Bush marches purposefully after Glitz. * Black_Guardian's evil chuckles can barely be heard on the wind behind them ***** * Sabalom_Glitz arrives at the Panopticon with Mel in tow Now, where's this politician? * Sabalom_Glitz looks at the sign in the lobby * Sabalom_Glitz looks at the picture in his hand You'd think the daft birdman would have given me a name, at least... Well, let's try the top. * Sabalom_Glitz pushes the button for the lift that goes to the top Birdman? Oh, just a joke, that. * Time_Lords pass them by, barely paying them any mind Let's see the president first. Reben. President Reben? That's what it said on the list downstairs. Rebenosticaligisto. Or somesuch. What a mouthful! * Mel_Bush raps on the lift door. Come on, lift! Well, what do you expect when the building is 200 floors high? I hear they have to have oxygen pumped into the top floors. * Mel_Bush whistles. That's definitely tall. * Lift arrives Bing-bong. * Sabalom_Glitz gets into the lift Coming, Twiggy? * Mel_Bush jumps into the lift. If you call me that one more time..! What will you do? I'll stand on your foot! * Sabalom_Glitz pats Mel on the bum Hey! Well, I do hope that this lift doesn't get stuck between floors... * Mel_Bush stamps on Glitz's foot anyway. HARD! Ooooof! Now, behave yourself! That wasn't very nice, Mel. I was just trying to be friendly. Bing-bong. Please press the button for the desired floor. * Sabalom_Glitz pushes the button for the top floor * Lift doors slide shut * Lift ascends * Sabalom_Glitz pushes the Turbo Drive as well * Lift noticeably increases in speed * Sabalom_Glitz gets thrown to the floor by his inertia * Mel_Bush stands easily, a light weight... Whoa - I wasn't expecting it to go this fast. * Lift stops Bing-bong. Top floor. Security password required. Ummm... Well, have you got a password? Hmm, password. * Sabalom_Glitz looks at the photo * Sabalom_Glitz turns it over to see what's on the back Ah! "Fishfingers." Bing-bong. * Lift doors slide open Fishfingers?! What a silly password... * Sabalom_Glitz leaves the lift But I would guess it is effective - no one in their right mind would guess it. * Mel_Bush flounces out after Glitz. Maybe it means something else in Gallifreyan... * Sabalom_Glitz finds himself completely surrounded by guards * Sabalom_Glitz sighs * Mel_Bush hides behind Glitz. * Swarm_of_Guards aim their stasers at Glitz _NOW_ what have you gotten us into? Why can't things ever be as easy as they seem? ::ending credits for first episode:: Ah! You're just the men I've been looking for! * Guards are not fooled * Sabalom_Glitz goes up to the nearest one and pushes the gun aside Hey! My dear good man, I have a bit of a proposition for you. * Elmugi moves the staser back to cover him * Mel_Bush hopes Glitz knows what he's doing. * Sabalom_Glitz reaches into a pouch in his vest - very slowly * Elmugi narrows his eyes and watches You will notice that this is not a weapon but an ordinary deck of cards. You will also notice that at no time will my fingers leave my hands. Yes. That is an ordinary deck of cards. Now put it away. * Elmugi waves the staser under Glitz' nose Now, I'd like you to pick one of these cards, if you will. * Elmugi glances at the cards That one. On the end. Ah! Good, that's the best one of the lot. And I'd be quite grateful if you'd put that phallic symbol away. * Mel_Bush nudges Glitz. Language! * Elmugi most definitely does not put it away * Sabalom_Glitz takes the card at the end and looks at it The Ace of Wands, I see. * Elmugi is oddly entranced by this * Sabalom_Glitz throws the card to the ground and it goes up in smoke * Elmugi jumps back Oh! Here, how'd you do that? So they weren't ordinary cards... * Sabalom_Glitz throws more cards down and the smoke gives them a smokescreen * Sabalom_Glitz grabs Mel and pulls her out of the phalanx of guards * Mel_Bush grabs Glitz's arm. * Swarm_of_Guards stumbles around blindly, men running into one another and falling down all over the place * Mel_Bush screams to provide a sonic diversion. * Guards scream too * Sabalom_Glitz smiles as he runs down the corridor of the President's Chambers * Sabalom_Glitz ducks into a very plush room * President_Reben hears the screams and is standing up at his desk when Glitz and Mel burst through the door * President_Reben activates his personal force field * Sabalom_Glitz notices the ugly face that resembles the one in the photo Well, how about that! This is a fine place you have here. You! Excuse me, sir! What business have you charging in here like this? Oh, nothing much. * Mel_Bush tugs Glitz's arm. Isn't he... My associate Mel and I are here on behalf of the Interior Decorators' Society. We're here to give you an award for the best decorated room in the quadrant. * President_Reben raises an eyebrow, very high * Mel_Bush nudges Glitz again. What are you doing?? We're supposed to be talking about the planets, remember. * Sabalom_Glitz whispers back Merely trying to catch him off guard. Planets? Yes, the Planetary Society of Interior Decorators... * Mel_Bush raises an eyebrow at Glitz. Ah-hah. And where would this society be headquartered? * President_Reben looks imperiously at Glitz On Helagia. The world with the xenon swamps? Which is, as you well know, at the outskirts of Gallifreyan territory. It's the least tastefully-decorated planet I know of. * Mel_Bush folds her arms, waiting for Glitz to make his move. Yes, well, we value good decorating since the environment looks like... well, I'll not describe it. I'm afraid I shall have to ask you to leave. * President_Reben summons his aide Glitz! Do something! * Sabalom_Glitz takes out a gun I don't think that will be necessary. Not THAT! Mel, be a good girl and shut up * President_Reben checks the status of his force field and finds it satisfactory And I wouldn't be so smug about your force field. This device here has a dampener... * Mel_Bush looks startled. What?! * Mel_Bush's eyes draw daggers at Glitz. Now before you say anything politically unsound, let me tell you this. * Sabalom_Glitz pushes the button on the device in his left hand * President_Reben looks even more startled, understandably * President_Reben opens his mouth to speak * President_Reben is engulfed in a swirl of green light, and is vaporized, leaving behind no trace Oi! Who stole the President? * Sabalom_Glitz looks under the chair in front of him * Mel_Bush taps Glitz on the shoulder. Yes? What did you say?? * Sabalom_Glitz rights himself and looks where the President used to be * Black_Guardian appears in the corner of the office * Mel_Bush looks horrified at the Black Guardian. Ah! Birdhead! You have done well, Sabalom Glitz. You just interrupted my mission... You realize that I'll still be charging you for the full price. You have accomplished your task. Meet the new President of Gallifrey, Treynid. He serves me and me only. * Black_Guardian looks to the doorway * Treynid walks through the doorway You summoned me? Ah, I see. A power play. Glitz, do you know this person?? * Sabalom_Glitz shushes Mel * Mel_Bush is fed up with people ignoring her. I will _not_ be shushed! What's going on?! Isn't that the Black Guardian?? Mel - it is indeed. You may take your seat, Treynid. * Black_Guardian indicates the presidential chair And as your first duty in office, you may give Sabalom Glitz his eternal reward. * Treynid looks around, bemused, but follows the orders of his Guardian * Sabalom_Glitz pushes the button on the device in his left hand * Treynid sees the sneaky man working a device That device will not work. What device? The device in your hand. * Sabalom_Glitz looks innocent as he shows an empty left hand Nothing in here, as you can see. * FunnyBird looks at Glitz with a blood-red stare * Treynid raises a device of his own, and aims it at Glitz I believe you asked for the full reward, Sabalom Glitz? The full reward, yes. * Sabalom_Glitz starts backing out of the room * Mel_Bush hides behind Glitz again. * Treynid keeps Glitz covered with the staser I hope you know what you're doing! You may have all the jewels from that cabinet that you wish. * Black_Guardian inclines his head, and a wardrobe on the far side pops open, revealing shelf after shelf laden with precious stones And then, you may die. Ah - that die bit there... I don't remember it being in the verbal contract. * Treynid keeps hearing voices in his head: kill Glitz... kill Glitz... Glitz! We were supposed to be talking to them about the planets! * Mel_Bush realises she's been had. Don't worry your pretty little head, Mel, I'll figure something out. Oh, you're incorrigable! * Sabalom_Glitz goes to the cabinet * Sabalom_Glitz gets out a ruby and affixes it to the end of the device as he pushes the button yet again * Mel_Bush throws her hands in the air in disbelief. * Sabalom_Glitz watches a green glow appear behind the Guardian as the President reappears Ah! I wondered where you'd got to. * President_Reben swoons * President_Reben collapses * Black_Guardian bellows in rage WHAAAAAAAT?! * FunnyBird's eyes glow a very, very deep ebony * FunnyBird zaps Glitz with a jet-black beam of anti-light Glitz, I think we should get out of here! You have opposed my will! * Mel_Bush screams. * Sabalom_Glitz covers Mel with his body and pushes yet another button on the device * Sabalom_Glitz and Mel disappear from the room * Treynid finally answers the voices in his head and fires the staser... * Staser_fire passes through the disappearing Glitz and Mel * Black_Guardian's face twists grotesquely in rage * Sabalom_Glitz and Mel reappear on the Nosferatu * Sabalom_Glitz holds up the ruby What a nice piece of glass this is. * Sabalom_Glitz smiles, thinking of the price it could fetch We could have been killed! Well, we weren't, were we? * Sabalom_Glitz rushes over to the controls and sets the coordinates for somewhere the hell out of there And all over a piece of rock! Not just any rock, Mel. * Mel_Bush bounces into the co-pilot seat. This is a very special gem. What's so special about it? * Mel_Bush types a course into the navi-computer. Worth more than the rest of that space debris in that cabinet. It's a field-crystal. Capable of tuning in or tuning out any type of electromagnetic field, all with a simple thought. Even now it's tuning out the Black Guardian from our ship. What use is that? Well, for one thing, he'll be leaving us alone for awhile. * Mel_Bush looks relieved. And now that we've shown the President of Gallifrey what a louse his VP is, he should be deposing him soon. Well, we better get out of here then, and fast! And who knows, maybe those planets on the outskirts will be treated with a little more care... * Sabalom_Glitz hits the console to start up the ship * Sabalom_Glitz engages the engine as the ship leaves the landing bay And I suppose the planets you mentioned were all lies... Not really... Huh! Well, maybe something good came of this after all. We can only hope, Twiggy...I mean Mel! * Sabalom_Glitz moves off to his room to find his handcuffs and leather straps * Mel_Bush shakes her head and sighs. I'll never get you reformed at _this_ rate... * Sabalom_Glitz flies off into the supernova...oh wait, I mean sunset... * Black_Guardian watches their ship from behind, unable to approach but hopping mad There is nowhere in all of space and time that you can escape from me... I will hunt you down, and you shall receive the reward that you so richly deserve! * Black_Guardian cackles wickedly as the bird's eyes glow ::the end!::