4 October 1997 - ep 1 Doctor Who - 007 Ways to Say "I Love You" starring the seventh Doctor and Jamie McCrimmon Bob01 (drbobwho@gate.net) - JB007 Drake (godzilla@idt.net) - Dr_Yu_No_Hu DrGrace (judiang@idt.net) - Fanny_Pack Elsa (elsaf@pipeline.com) - _Monneypenny_, Ladyteller Haem (haem@lys.vnet.net) - JamieMcC Jefferys (j_eng@lvc.edu) - RecurringInsignificantPerson JGarthW (JGW@cyberspc.mb.ca) - Odd_Nose trinalin (trinalin@earthlink.net) - SylvDoc --------------------------------------------------------------------------- * SylvDoc lands the TARDIS in Monaco, to go to the casino Och, I'm sorry I overcooked the haggis, Doctor. That was haggis? Ah, I was using it to polish my shoes. Oh, well, good, it didn't matter anyway. I'll try some of it later, Jamie. I'm about to show you where your descendants put all of their hard-earned cash... My descendants? Well, the people of your future. Not necessarily descended from you. Oh. * JamieMcC is disappointed But the TARDIS has landed, let's go to Schell's Casino. * JamieMcC nods and pulls on his wool-lined coat ***** * Dr_Yu_No_Hu sits in the penthouse, atop the largest casino in Monaco * Dr_Yu_No_Hu orders Odd_Nose to wander around the casino * Odd_Nose walks around the casino looking for troublemakers ***** * JB007 is talking to Moneypenny via secured communications in his BMW, on the way to the casino <_Monneypenny_> James... are you there? Yes, Moneypenny. <_Monneypenny_> M has a job for you. There's been some trouble in Monte Carlo. I knew she wouldn't have sent me to Monaco for fun. <_Monneypenny_> I know this is a terrible imposition, but we'd like you to go to the casinos there, and spend a lot of money, and hang around with a lot of beautiful women. Moneypenny, the beautiful woman is the one I'm talking to. <_Monneypenny_> Oh, James... I'm going to make you make good on that some day. When I get back, Moneypenny...you and me in a candlelight dinner. <_Monneypenny_> Hurry back then James. But in the mean time, you need to check on Dr. Yu No Hu. We think he's up to no good. Oh, Dr Yu No Hu. I've heard of him. I'll check the doctor out. <_Monneypenny_> Well, it could be dangerous, James. He has a henchman... OddNose... be careful of him. OddNose? Wonder if he is related to Oddjob? <_Monneypenny_> His evil cousin. Dad must have been Oddhead. <_Monneypenny_> Mother was Oddboobs. Yes, I think so. So that's it, Moneypenny? <_Monneypenny_> Well, if you win a LOT of money, buy me something pretty, won't you? * JB007 sees a woman in a Porsche driving down the road * Fanny_Pack drives like a lady bat out of hell Well, Moneypenny, I'm taking your advice. The next girl has arrived. Bye. * Fanny_Pack looks in her rear view mirror at the BMW and laughs * Fanny_Pack grabs the the stick and guns it Ah, laughing at me? Time to have some fun. * JB007 puts the Beamer at 120 mph * Dr_Yu_No_Hu calls Fanny_Pack on the cell phone * Fanny_Pack flips the phone Return to the Casino. Why? I expect company. There is a certain visitor I want you to detain. Is he tall, goodlooking with a chiseled jaw? With him, it's possible. Right, will arrive shortly. Good job on that royal assignment in Paris, I am very pleased. * Fanny_Pack hangs up and puts the pedal to the metal * Dr_Yu_No_Hu smiles to himself Soon I shall control the world! * Odd_Nose watches Dr Yu No Hu * Fanny_Pack slows just enough for the BWM to follow * JB007 laughs and starts to chase her * Fanny_Pack makes the approach to the city limits and the casino * JB007 uses on the special options on the woman's tires * Fanny_Pack realizes a tire has gone flat and pulls over to the side * JB007 pulls over to help her * Fanny_Pack pulls down her low cut dress just a tad Hello, my dear, you seem to have car trouble...my, a double flat. * Fanny_Pack peers over her glasses. So it seems. And you are...? Name's Bond, James Bond, Miss...? * Fanny_Pack gracefully unfolds from the car My name is Pack. But you can call me Fanny. * Fanny_Pack gazes appreciatively at James Can you handle this? Well, I guess we try a garage in the city. You only have one spare. * Fanny_Pack sashays over to James' car and gets in Take me, then. Yes, ma'am. * JB007 puts the Beamer in high gear and goes to town. ***** * SylvDoc walks into Schell's Casino * Dr_Yu_No_Hu, watching by security cameras, sees the Doctor enter Jamie - are you coming? Aye, I'm on my way. * SylvDoc walks over to the money exchange * SylvDoc raises his hat to the woman behind the counter * JamieMcC tags along, looking in amazement at the lavish surroundings * Odd_Nose notes the new arrivals Hello, I'm the Doctor, and this is my friend, Jamie. * JamieMcC smiles at her Hello. We're here to gamble away my earnings. * JamieMcC looks at the Doctor To what?! You didna tell me about that! * SylvDoc turns to Jamie Well, I have an overabundance of cash in my accounts, I'm hoping to reduce them. Since the restaurant that I opened with them failed miserably (in terms of making money instead of losing it) I thought I'd try something new. Oh, aye, I see... * JamieMcC nods in confusion Can I help you, sir? Yes, ma'am. There should be a bankers cheque for a Dr. John Smith that arrived in the mail today. I should like it cashed in for casino chips, please. * JamieMcC smiles proudly I thought of that name, ye know. * Ladyteller looks in the drawer Yes, now if you could show me some I.D.? * Dr_Yu_No_Hu enters his private lift * SylvDoc searches around through his pockets * SylvDoc searches through his hat * SylvDoc searches through Jamie's pockets * SylvDoc puts his hand in his left pocket again, only to find no wallet * SylvDoc puts his hand in his right pocket... A wallet! * SylvDoc pulls out the wallet and shows the photo ID to the teller * RecurringInsignificantPerson enters the casino and looks for the loo. * Odd_Nose beats up on RecurringInsignificantPerson for something to do Ow! Quit it! I am having a potty emergency. * Odd_Nose realizes that RecurringInsignificantPerson wasn't the cheater he thought he was. Sorry, have a nice day. * RecurringInsignificantPerson asks Odd_Nose where the restroom is. * Odd_Nose points to the loo * Dr_Yu_No_Hu enters the Casino OddNose, keep an eye on those two. * Dr_Yu_No_Hu points to the Doctor and Jamie Yes, boss. * Odd_Nose keeps an eye on the two newcomers without attracting attention to himself * Ladyteller counts out some chips for the Doctor Thank you very much. * SylvDoc raises his hat again to the lady * JamieMcC looks doubtfully at the chips That's all you're getting for the money, Doctor? Yes, it's quite a substantial sum. In this establishment, anyway. Don't they have money now? Who? People. In this time period. Yes, they have money. Oh... And they tend to spend it unwisely in establishments such as this. * JB007 walks in with Fanny Pack * JamieMcC finds his gaze drawn to the beautiful woman who just walked through the door * Fanny_Pack glances around for her contact Looking for someone, my dear? * Fanny_Pack smiles up at James No, not at all. * JB007 notices the man in hat with the umbrella and the strange Scot-looking boy * Fanny_Pack also notices the man and strange boy * SylvDoc looks around the casino for a happening game * SylvDoc gives Jamie a chip Take this chip and get some coins to put in the one-armed-bandits. Oh, *thanks*, Doctor. * JamieMcC gives the chip a withering gaze Where do I take it? * SylvDoc waves vaguely in the slot machine direction It's over there somewhere. * JamieMcC wanders vaguely in the slot machine direction ***** James, how are you at... blackjack? * Dr_Yu_No_Hu stares at Bond Is that Yu No Hu, my dear? * JB007 points at Dr Yu No Hu Who? * Fanny_Pack smiles prettily and steers James to a blackjack table Doesn't Yu No Hu own this place? Oh, I think everybody has owned this place. * JB007 goes to the blackjack table, already dressed from last night's fling with that nice American girl from Miami. Good thing Moneypenny didn't notice. ***** * SylvDoc meanders over to a game of roulette * SylvDoc puts all the chips on the number 7 * SylvDoc winces as the ball sticks in the number 7 spot * SylvDoc takes his earnings * SylvDoc puts them in various pockets and grumbles to himself * JamieMcC comes back over to the Doctor with a handful of coins * Dr_Yu_No_Hu walks up to the Doctor * Odd_Nose stands by Dr Yu No Hu * JamieMcC nearly bumps into Yu No Hu Oh, excuse me. Clumsy oaf... * SylvDoc sees a man who might be Chinese or might be Jewish, he isn't sure I see you're a Master of the game. Master? Not me. * SylvDoc smiles No, I thought that I could lose rather easily. Doctor, what d'ye want me to do with these? * SylvDoc looks at the coins in Jamie's hands You won? No, I just exchanged your wee round thing. * Fanny_Pack, who is passing by, hears Jamie * JamieMcC sees Fanny_Pack walking by and again finds it hard to look away So, you're a Doctor? * SylvDoc looks back at Yu Am I? Doctor of what? I'm a Doctor of everything. I try not to specialize as it limits my talents. * SylvDoc turns back to Jamie Good - then go put them in the one-armed-bandits. Oh...aye...I'll do that. * SylvDoc looks at Odd Nose Excuse me, could you direct Jamie to the slot machines? * JamieMcC walks away in the vague direction of the one-armed bandits and the more general direction of Fanny_Pack * Odd_Nose stares back blankly * Odd_Nose just stands there Never mind, he seems to be doing fine on his own. * Fanny_Pack notices Jamie coming in her direction * Fanny_Pack glances over at Yu, looking for her cue * Dr_Yu_No_Hu nods to Fanny * RecurringInsignificantPerson comes out of the bathroom after making sure a piece of toilet paper wasn't sticking to his shoes. * RecurringInsignificantPerson is told by a stranger that his fly is down. * SylvDoc turns back to Yu Now who did you say you were? And where can a man go to lose around here? I can help you to get "lost", Doctor. Permanently. Well, I've been lost many times, I just need to lose some money. * SylvDoc takes out a handful of casino chips Ah well, I see a game of Blackjack opening over there. I think I'll try my luck at it. ***** * Fanny_Pack idly walks around, keeping an eye on the Scot lad * JamieMcC reluctantly takes his position at one of the slot machines and tries to figure out what to do with the coin * JamieMcC scrutinizes the lever * Fanny_Pack sashays over to Jamie, takes a coin out of his hand and feeds the machine Oh...thank you. * JamieMcC tries to pretend that he knew that's where the coin went * Fanny_Pack places her hand on Jamie's and pulls the lever * JamieMcC coughs nervously * Fanny_Pack smiles * JamieMcC watches the dials spinning wildly * Fanny_Pack watches the slots hit and coins spill into the bin * JamieMcC's eyes light up Oh, I see I brought you luck. Er... er... * JamieMcC gets just a bit tongue-tied Aye. * Fanny_Pack smiles into his eyes * JamieMcC blushes at her smile and looks away * Fanny_Pack looks down at his kilt Don't see many of THOSE here. Oh, you like it? It's an authentic McCrimmon tartan. Very nice...material. Aye, real Highland wool. Do you have any trouble staying...warm...under there? Oh, no, this is the best wool you'll find anywhere. * JamieMcC is quite earnest in his seriousness * Fanny_Pack raises a brow at Jamie and smirks * JamieMcC blushes again, and points at the slot machine Shall we try again? If you like. * JamieMcC proudly puts the coin in the slot and pulls the lever * Fanny_Pack helps him again with the lever * JamieMcC smiles more confidently at Fanny_Pack * Fanny_Pack smiles at Jamie ***** * JB007 is winning blackjack and the strange man appears Hello, your name is...? I'm the Doctor, and this is my... ah, he's over there. * SylvDoc points vaguely in the slot machine direction * SylvDoc tips his hat and drops about œ1000 of chips on the floor * SylvDoc bends over to pick up the chips and accidentally bumps some insignificant person Sorry. Ah, Doctor of what? By the way, name's Bond. James Bond. * SylvDoc wonders why everyone wonders what his degree is in I try not to specialize, Mr. Bond. Well, being good in all fields is very good, Doctor. That was my idea at the Academy, but they didn't agree with me. So I specialized in bonsai gardens and decided to take any other university class that happened along. * Odd_Nose is the dealer in the blackjack game * Dr_Yu_No_Hu stands in the background * Odd_Nose waits for everyone to bet * Odd_Nose looks to the boss to see if he should let anyone win * Dr_Yu_No_Hu shakes his head no to OddNose * Odd_Nose gives Bond a dirty look * SylvDoc smiles as he lays œ1000 on the table Shall we play a game? Very good. When you're ready, Odd what's-your-name-again? * SylvDoc gets a 10 up, and is dealt an Ace * SylvDoc thinks "Typical, she always shows up when I don't need her..." * JB007 gets an ace up and a 6 is dealt * SylvDoc taps the table to be hit again Card. * Odd_Nose deals * SylvDoc is given a 10 again * JB007 is dealt a 4 and stands * SylvDoc considers continuing * SylvDoc decides to stand as he'd hate to lose twice with two blackjacks ***** * JamieMcC winces as the slot machine starts going off again and more coins pour out Well, it's your lucky day. * JamieMcC looks at Fanny_Pack Aye, ye can say that again. Looks like your friend is doing well at the slots. He is? * SylvDoc looks over at Jamie * JamieMcC scrapes up the money He's supposed to be losing the money, not winning. * Fanny_Pack hands him a bucket Let's go cash that in. * JamieMcC dumps the money into the bucket Thanks. * Fanny_Pack steers him in the direction of a far cashier window * SylvDoc sighs Well, Oddfeet...what do you have? * Odd_Nose deals a 3, 10, and a 9 * Odd_Nose deals out the chips to the two winners Thank you, Oddposer. Odd_Nose, they were supposed to lose! * Odd_Nose waits to see if there are any new bets See that some harm comes to Mr. Bond. * Odd_Nose brings out the "special" deck Well, hello, Dr Yu No Hu. You have the oddest people for dealers. Your presence is no longer needed, Bond. * SylvDoc decides to lose for sure on the next hand, despite the fact that he hates losing * SylvDoc puts œ5000 down * JB007 puts down the same * Odd_Nose throws a card down in front of Bond that is impaled into the table Well, great place, Doctor. * SylvDoc doesn't think he cares for the overall feeling of apprehension here I think I'll go off to the, um, lavatory. Watch my cards, Mr. Bond, will you? * SylvDoc scurries away from the blackjack table to find Jamie Leaving so soon, Doctor? * SylvDoc tips his hat to Dr Hu and continues scurrying ***** * Fanny_Pack chats with Jamie as they walk, but looks for a dark corner to pull him into * Fanny_Pack spots an empty side room to pull Jamie into So, er...Miss... * JamieMcC lets the end of the sentence hang * Fanny_Pack pulls Jamie suddenly into the side room Whoa... * SylvDoc goes over to where he thought he last saw Jamie Hey, wait a minute, this isnae the right place. What're ye doin'? * Fanny_Pack presses him up against the wall and places her fingers strategically on his neck Gaaak! * JamieMcC slumps * Fanny_Pack presses harder * SylvDoc goes into a side room * SylvDoc sees Fanny with Jamie and watches Jamie slump to the ground No! * Fanny_Pack steps back and assumes the position * SylvDoc grabs Fanny from behind and places his finger on her forehead * Fanny_Pack crumples to the ground * SylvDoc goes over to Jamie * SylvDoc doesn't hear a heartbeat ***** * JB007 sees Fanny Pack and leaves * Odd_Nose holds Bond to the chair and gives the special deck to Hu * Dr_Yu_No_Hu sees he isn't playing with a full deck * JB007 dropkicks OddNose * JB007 hurries to the room with Fanny * SylvDoc tries to resuscitate Jamie Jamie - can you hear me? * JamieMcC is still Jamie, can you feel me? Can you hear me near you? Jamie! * Dr_Yu_No_Hu pulls out his TCE I've had about enough of this. Well, Hu, so have I. Jamie! JAMIE! * Dr_Yu_No_Hu aims the TCE at the Doctor Die, Doctor, die! * JamieMcC suddenly takes a deep, shuddering breath * SylvDoc gets a tingling on his neck * SylvDoc looks down at Jamie * SylvDoc smiles * JamieMcC groans in pain Och, what a headache... * JamieMcC's eyes flutter open and he struggles to a sitting position * Fanny_Pack starts to wake You won't shrink from your death this time, Doctor! * Dr_Yu_No_Hu presses the button * JB007 kicks Hu in the groin and throws him on the blackjack table * Dr_Yu_No_Hu groans in a unmanly fashion * Fanny_Pack wakes and looks around * JamieMcC is startled to get his senses back in the midst of such a riot * SylvDoc has pulled Jamie to safety and watchs as James kicks Dr Hu * JB007 goes to see if the Doctor and his friend are all right, and finds they are surrounded by OddNose and his odd friends * Dr_Yu_No_Hu gasps and squeals Kill them! With pleasure, boss. * Odd_Nose approaches the goodies with a normal gun this time. * JamieMcC's eyes dart around and his right hand reaches down to the dirk in his sock Well, Doctor, this where the fun starts? You know, Mr. Bond, you have an odd idea about "fun". Yes, Doctor. * JamieMcC pulls out the dirk slowly * Odd_Nose fires at Bond Hu dying is one trick I've never lea.... * JB007 ducks and just beats the crap out of some henchmen * Odd_Nose gets the crap beaten out of him * Odd_Nose is out cold * Dr_Yu_No_Hu hops to a nearby column I shall have my revenge, Doctor! * SylvDoc grimaces as he sees Hu go into a TARDIS So, the Master has gone into the casino business. * Fanny_Pack realizes Hu is leaving without her * Fanny_Pack crawls towards a side exit * Dr_Yu_No_Hu disappears into the TARDIS ::a wheezing and groaning sound fills the casino and then the Master's TARDIS starts up too:: Hey! That's the TARDIS! * JamieMcC looks around Not our TARDIS, Jamie - that belongs to the single most evil being in the universe - the Master. * JamieMcC remembers his adventure on the Darkheart Oh, aye, I remember him. What's a TARDIS? James - think of a BMW that can go through time and space, and you'll still not know what a TARDIS is... Ah. Very good, Doctor. * Fanny_Pack makes plans and slips out quietly Is this Master person evil? Mr Bond, does a bear take a dump in the woods? * Fanny_Pack knocks over the "special" cards as she leaves. As they go flying, one lands in Odd Nose's heart and mortally wounds him. * JamieMcC puts his dirk back in his sock as he sees that the opposition has apparently been defeated Cashews are evil. * JB007 hears a bomb ticking and the doors slam shut The bomb is the one in my chest which will go off when I die. * JB007 sees the bomb Oh my. Doctor, does that "Doctor" title include defusing bombs? As a matter of fact... * SylvDoc smiles as he gets out a wire cutter and a pair of glasses Doctor, just who are you? * SylvDoc smiles at James Och, Doctor, be careful... Jamie - have I ever not been careful? Er...don't ask me that just yet, Doctor... Oh boy. ::to be continued!::