10 January 1998 - ep 1 Doctor Who - The Master-Wizard of Wherever We Are starring the fifth Doctor, Ace and K-9 AldenB (abates@wn.planet.gen.nz) - TARDIS, HeadQuark, ^K-9 Benjamin (chrisben@icok.net) - _Cyberman_ Bob01 (drbobwho@gate.net) - Cyber_Man Doc8 (crlawrence@hotmail.com) - K-9 DrGrace (judiang@idt.net) - TARDIS_BROOMSTICK, Wicked_Rani_West ElsaF (elsaf@psi.net) - Doctor-Five Haem (haem@lys.vnet.net) - WickedWirrn-East, Dalek-0885 Jondar (jondar@fl.net.au) - OtherQuarks Meliphyre (mwhite@memphisonline.com) - Ace^ Shel (paygem@hotmail.com) - LowlyQuark trinalin (trinalin@earthlink.net) - YellowBrickRoad, Sontaran ------------------------------------------------------------------------- * YellowBrickRoad winds its way throughout the land of Oz * WickedWirrn-East is shuffling purposefully toward the center of the great land of Oz, intent upon squelching this uprising of little people * WickedWirrn-East feels a crushing weight upon its exoskeleton... * TARDIS lands on the Wicked Wirrn of the East. * TARDIS goes SPLAT! * Doctor-Five steps out and sees feet sticking out from under the TARDIS Oh dear! Ace! Come out here, and bring the first aid kit! I'm coming, Professor! * K-9 comes out behind Ace * Ace^ looks at the legs sticking out Is that a person we landed on? Analysis indicates that it is, Ace-Mistress. * Doctor-Five is very concerned about the living being that has apparently been crushed beneath the TARDIS This has never happened before. * WickedWirrn-East's legs twitch * Ace^ hands the first aid kit to the Doctor Um, so what can you do to help? * Doctor-Five looks at the kit and realizes that there is little he can do I don't know... that exoskeleton... that must be a Wirrn. Course of action, Doctor-Master? I think we should see if there is anyone here who can help this poor creature. You can't exactly lift the TARDIS off of it, can you? * Doctor-Five shakes his head Cor. Even if we could, the dimensional interface would have mangled the poor Wirrn. The TARDIS is usually more careful than this. Doesn't sound like a pleasant way to go. * WickedWirrn-East's body slowly fades away, allowing the TARDIS to thump to the ground * WickedWirrn-East leaves behind it a ruby badge of office Hello? It's gone... I've never seen a Wirrn corpse do that before. What happened to it? * Ace^ circles the TARDIS What's this? * Doctor-Five picks up the sparkly red object Well, it sure does sparkle, whatever it is. * Doctor-Five pops it in his pocket Well, I think we should have a look around. Yeah! So what are you gonna do with that thing, Professor? * Doctor-Five takes it back out and looks at it again Pretty thing... I think I'll put it on my jacket. * Doctor-Five pins the badge next to his celery Complements the celery quite nicely. * Doctor-Five starts walking * Ace^ follows * K-9 follows Ace and the Doctor. * Ace^ notices a flower moving Um, Professor, I think that flower just moved over there. * K-9 scans in the direction of Ace's pointing. * Doctor-Five looks What? Something was moving over there. I do not see anything unusual, Ace-Mistress... * Doctor-Five stops and looks around. Lots of flowers... but they don't seem to be moving I'm not seeing things, Professor! * Doctor-Five glares at Ace * Ace^ glares back I've told you. It's Doctor, not Professor. Whatever, Professor. * HeadQuark wobbles out of the greenery Danger! * K-9 moves into protective position * HeadQuark flaps its arms. Aw, how cute! Unknown creature!! Recommend caution, Doctor-Master! The Wicked Wirrn is deceased! * Doctor-Five goes over to the Quark Hmmm.... What have we here? * K-9 puts himself between the HeadQuark and the Doctor and Ace. It doesn't look dangerous, K-9. * K-9 reluctantly resumes position behind Ace. * K-9 makes a harrumphing noise. I told you something moved. * HeadQuark wobbles around and gestures at the other Quarks to come out. * Ace^ looks at all the Quarks * LowlyQuark burbles Well, well, well. There are a lot of them! * HeadQuark leads the other Quarks in a stirring rendition of "The Wicked Wirrn is Deceased!" Oh brill! They're singing! Hello... I'm the Doctor, and this is my companion, Ace. * HeadQuark tries unsuccessfully to shake the Doctor's hand. Hmmm... they don't seem too upset about our killing the Wirrn. * LowlyQuark jumps up and down burbling cheerfully! It was an accident, really. A minor navigational problem. * HeadQuark wibbles. They seem to be thanking us. Well, you're welcome, I think. Much thanks. Wicked Wirrn has kept us in poverty. Recharge needed urgently. * HeadQuark flaps its arms. * HeadQuark makes a burbling, giggling noise. * K-9 looks at the Doctor. Query, Doctor-Master: Recharge? * Doctor-Five looks at K-9 Well, see if you can help it, K-9. Yeah, K-9. * K-9 trundles over to the HeadQuark and extends an electronic lead from his housing. * HeadQuark connects to the lead and makes a wibbling noise. * K-9 begins to feed energy into the HeadQuark. Are they robotic type creatures or are they alive? I think they have mechanical components, but they seem to be sentient. * HeadQuark's sphere lights up. * HeadQuark emits a rising tone. * HeadQuark disconnects from K9. * K-9 disconnects the lead, and trundles over to the Doctor. * HeadQuark turns to Lowly Quark and waggles its arms to transfer power. Now, feeling better? Much better, kind stranger-human. Glad we could be of service. Offer much help in return. There is one thing you could do for us. We seem to have broken our fluid link, landing on the Wirrn and all. Would you have any mercury we could use to repair it? We'll need that before we can dematerialize and go home. * LowlyQuark burbles in fear... Aww, you've scared him! You'd need to see the Master-Wizard for that. Master-Wizard? Who's he? * LowlyQuark runs in fear Hey, wait, don't go! Where did he go? People do have the oddest way of coming and going here! Master-Wizard lives in Emerald City. * TARDIS_BROOMSTICK suddenly appears Danger, Doctor-Master! * K-9's eyes begin to light up. * HeadQuark runs in fear! * Wicked_Rani_West emerges from the Broomstick * Doctor-Five whirls around to see The Wicked Rani of the West You! What are you doing here! * Wicked_Rani_West looks at the group and laughs I take it you two know each other? Well, well, well. We meet again. * K-9 growls at the the Wicked Rani. Get your TARDIS_BROOMSTICK out of here before someone drops a police box on you! Oh, that will convince her, Professor. * Wicked_Rani_West flicks something off her leather catsuit * Wicked_Rani_West smirks * Wicked_Rani_West walks over to where the Wirrn should have been Not before I get what I came for. Not if I have anything to say about it! Yeah? What is that, your hair stylist? * Wicked_Rani_West cuts her eyes at Ace Still playing with bombs, hmmm? One or two. Well, Doctor, you have something I need. There isn't anything in my TARDIS that concerns you, Rani. Where is my ruby badge? *Your* ruby badge? I'd say possession is nine-tenths of the law. * Doctor-Five polishes the badge on his lapel Now, Doctor, you'd best give that to me... Not likely, Rani. * Wicked_Rani_West approaches the Doctor menacingly I don't know what this is, but if you want it, I don't want you to have it. * Doctor-Five glares at the Rani * K-9's growl rises an octave at the threat of the Rani. K-9, convince the Rani to keep her distance. * K-9 extends a laser barrel from his snout and fires a warning shot at the feet of the Rani. * Wicked_Rani_West jumps back and hisses Now, just be off. We don't have time for this. Just you wait, Doctor! I'll get you, and your tin dog too! * K-9 growls menacingly. Ooh, we're shaking over here, lady! * Wicked_Rani_West rushes into the TARDIS BROOMSTICK and disappears Well, well, well. * Doctor-Five looks at his badge I think we'd better take good care of this little bauble. Who was that, Professor? That was the Rani. Not one of the nicer girls I've ever dated. You? Date? Let me guess, she dug the celery. Never mind that. Ancient history. * Ace^ grins. Sure. Whatever, Professor. * HeadQuark pokes its head out from behind the petunias. * LowlyQuark peers over HeadQuarks shoulder. * HeadQuark wobbles out into the open. * HeadQuark looks at K9. Oooh, he nice. Can we keep him? * K-9 backs away from the HeadQuark. K-9 property of Doctor-Master, primitive creature. I think K-9 will have to come with us. You say we need to see the Master-Wizard to get a new fluid link. Could you give us directions? * HeadQuark perks up. * HeadQuark dances around singing "Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick Road" * Other_Quarks join in the singing Nice beat. * HeadQuark tap dances for a bit. I see, we should follow the yellow brick road. * Other_Quarks nod vigourously * LowlyQuark points to YellowBrickRoad * Doctor-Five steps onto the beginning of the road * Ace^ steps onto the road Follow the yellow brick road... * K-9 trundles onto the road. * Doctor-Five takes a step This way? * Other_Quarks nod vigourously again * HeadQuark falls on its back and spins around in a rough approximation of break dancing. * HeadQuark can't get up again! * HeadQuark wobbles on the ground. * Other_Quarks help the HeadQuark right itself Follow the yellow brick road, Doctor-Master? * Doctor-Five starts off Well, I guess we're off to see the Master-Wizard. Follow the Yellow Brick Road, Follow the Yellow Brick Road. * Doctor-Five takes Ace's arm The wonderful Master-Wizard of...where are we again? Oz! Oz! Oz, Ace-Mistress. * HeadQuark bounces cheerfully. :singing: We're off to see the Master-Wizard, the wonderful Master-Wizard of... oh bugger... somewhere. * LowlyQuark burbles * Ace^ laughs and skips along * K-9 follows sedately behind Ace and the Doctor. * HeadQuark waves its arms as it watches the group vanish off down the road. * Other_Quarks follow the Doctor, Ace and K9 as far as the main gate * Ace^ turns around and waves to the Quarks * Other_Quarks wave back * LowlyQuark waves at Ace. * K-9 barks farewell to the Quarks. * Doctor-Five waves cheerfully * HeadQuark waves and promptly falls over again. * Doctor-Five walks along humming * K-9 follows sedately behind the Doctor and Ace as they reach... * Doctor-Five comes to a fork in the road and stops Now which way should we go? * Ace^ bumps into the Doctor I've never been here. * K-9 looks at the road. Scanners are recieving anomalous readings. * Dalek-0885 is battling its way through a field, trying to exterminate the sunflowers * Dalek-0885 catches sight of the Doctor, Ace and K-9 Hello? What's that? * K-9 looks Danger, Doctor-Master! Intruders! Exterminate! Exterminate! * Ace^ grabs a can of Nitro Oh, wonderful. A Dalek. * Dalek-0885 fires at the trio, only to observe a tree way off to the left burst into flames * Ace^ stares at the tree Exterminate! * Dalek-0885 fires again, killing a sunflower * Doctor-Five looks at the wild shot * Dalek-0885 laughs mechanically One target has been eliminated. * K-9 powers up his snout-gun. * K-9 fires a warning shot at the Dalek. * Dalek-0885 registers the low-level laser fire from K9 and rolls forward toward the group, menacingly He seems to be badly out of adjustment. Targetting computer apparently off-line, Doctor-Master. Hmmm... that makes him rather harmless. Yeah, well, it may have been a one-time bad shot. Excuse me, Mr. Dalek, which branch in the road should we take to reach the Master-Wizard? Professor, what are you doing?! * Dalek-0885 fires at them again, and a small Quark hovel far to the right of them blows up * K-9 gets ready to blow the Dalek up. * Ace^ gets ready to take the cap off the can Now stop that, both of you. This Dalek can't harm us. If it tries to fire at us, it's liable to shoot its own wheels off. I don't trust it, Professor. And don't call me Professor! Sorry! Nor do I, Doctor-Master. Daleks extremely dangerous. Recommend extreme caution. * Dalek-0885 fires again, and almost shoots its own wheels off * Dalek-0885 pauses, taking in the danger of the situation Now stop that. You're only running down your power supply. Targetting computer malfunctioning. Require assistance. Not from me. * Doctor-Five goes over and examines the Dalek's gun stick * Ace^ tries to pull the Doctor away Professor, he'll blow you up! Hmmm... gunstick seems all right. Have you run a diagnostic on your targetting computer? * Dalek-0885 pauses a moment before answering Targetting computer is offline, presumed nonexistent. Nonexistent? You're not much of a Dalek without a targeting computer. A Dalek is a Dalek, Professor. Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks conquer and destroy! See? Not at the moment, unless you're planning on destroying yourself. Self-destruction is inadvisable... Go right ahead, I won't stop you. If you're going to get a new targetting computer, I think you'll have to come with us. The Master-Wizard should be able to help you. Master-Wizard reported to be highly skilled in computer technology. I will accompany you. Do not attempt to harm the Daleks, or you will be exterminated! No!!! * ^K-9 wiggles his ears. We'll call a truce for the duration, I think. <^K-9> This unit advises hostile must be observed at all times. Professor, you mean you want to take this Dalek with us so he can get a new targeting computer which he will then destroy us with? We won't try to exterminate you, you don't try to exterminate us. Agreed. Truce. * Ace^ throws her hands in the air Heavens. I think if we help this Dalek, he's certain to become our friend and not try to exterminate us. I can't believe you just made a truce with a Dalek! Friend. Yeah, and maybe I'll call my mum next time we stop for tea in England! * Doctor-Five takes the Dalek's plunger and shakes it Do not attempt to harm this machine! * Dalek-0885 swivels its gunstick to face the Doctor, and at point-blank range, it can hardly miss! <^K-9> Alert! Danger, Master! Professor!! Just shaking hands... I realize you don't have hands, but that looks like the closest thing. Do not attempt to harm this machine! * ^K-9 powers up his nose gun. We're not going to harm you. Friends... remember? Now ask him if he knows the meaning of the word. Now, we'd better get going... we're off to see the Master-Wizard, the wonderful Master-Wizard of whereever we are! I wonder if there's anything to eat around here? I'm starved! This way. * ^K-9 waggles his ears and prepares to move again. * Doctor-Five leads the motley crew into a forest * Dalek-0885 barges in front of the Doctor and trundles along the road * Dalek-0885 swivels to see the rest going into the forest Inadvisable. * Dalek-0885 follows anyway Looks to me like there should be some apples on the trees around here. * ^K-9 trundles inexplicably over the rough ground. * Ace^ points to a tree a few yards away There's something on that tree. * Doctor-Five looks over and sees a Cyberman ERADICATE ERADICATE! ERADICATE ERADICATE! ERADICATE ERADICATE! Hostile lifeform! Exterminate! <^K-9> Danger! Hostile-friend getting excited. * Dalek-0885 fires at the thing in the tree, blowing up a completely different one * Doctor-Five watches apples fall from the tree the Dalek shot Well, he's good for something, at least. Why won't his house be destroyed! * Cyber_Man fires his gun at a nearby house My, this place is a lot like the Death Zone on Gallifrey. Send me a postcard next time you're there. * ^K-9 trundles forwards to inspect the Cyberman. * ^K-9 waggles his ears. Excuse me, why are you firing on that house? Because it looked at me funny...wait, you're the DOCTOR! You must be ERADICATED! Now don't start that. * Ace^ wanders off and picks up apples Houses can't look at anybody. <^K-9> Circuit damage in hostile detected. * Cyber_Man drops his gun and starts singing and dancing Michael Jackson's Thriller to kill the party This lifeform is malfunctioning and should be deactivated. * ^K-9 extends his nose-laser, just in case. Excuse me, but you seem to be having some logic problems. Would you like me to have a look at your circuits? Thriller! Thriller! Why aren't you eradicated!?! * Ace^ walks back over and hands the Doctor an apple * Doctor-Five takes a bite while watching the Cyberman moonwalk I don't think we're in Perivale anymore. It's illogical for me to have problems with my logic cirucuit. I'm a member of the Cyber race, you pitiful Time Lord! * Doctor-Five raises an eyebrow <^K-9> Hostile is irrational. Caution advised, Master. * Cyber_Man starts to do the twist to the house If so, why does a hippopotamus have wings? 'cause it needs to swim, Time Lord! * Cyber_Man starts useing Ebonics to destroy the house I see, and a mouse, which leg is both the same? Mouse has no legs! * Ace^ munches on an apple What's black and white and red all over? * Doctor-Five turns to Ace I'd invite him along for a full diagnostic from the Master-Wizard, but I'm not sure he would react appropriately. Cyberman, whatever you do, don't follow us, do you understand? Master-Wizard??? Sounds powerful. I'll come with you, but when I'm fixed I'll ERADICATE you all! Oh brill. We've got a Cyberman wanting to eradicate us and a Dalek wanting to exterminate us. Does anyone else see anything remotely wrong with this little trip? Friend. You mustn't follow us, because the raven will spin on the writing desk. Yes, very logical, Doctor. I thought you Time Lords were illogical. Now, we're going to set off walking, and if you know what's good for you, you'll go the opposite direction, right? * Doctor-Five starts off down the Yellow Brick Road Oh, we're off to see the Master-Wizard! The wonderful Master-Wizard of where-ever we are! * ^K-9 trundles after the Doctor-Master * Ace^ is keeping a careful eye on the Cyberman and the Dalek This party should remain on the primitive demarcation of direction when travelling. * Dalek-0885 swivels its eyestick in the direction of the yellow brick road * Doctor-Five turns to the Cyberman He means you should go the other way. * _Cyberman_ goes off sideways That being is not proceeding in the proper direction. And why don't you go with him, Mr. Dalek? * ^K-9 waggles his ears as he trundles along. No, the OTHER, other way. * Dalek-0885 fires a warning shot at the Cyberman, and nearly fries Ace * Ace^ dives * _Cyberman_ goes in the other way that is not the other way which is the right way I thought you said this thing was friendly! Friend. Now, now, considering your targeting problem, you probably shouldn't be firing warning shots. * Sontaran jumps out and scares the people What! * Doctor-Five gasps! <^K-9> Alert! Danger, Master! * Sontaran waves his gun around * Dalek-0885 is not intimidated by the vegetable-like creature * _Cyberman_ is scared and runs towards the Sontaran * Ace^ digs for another can of nitro * Sontaran shoots the nitro out of Ace's hand EVERYBODY STOP! * Ace^ stops * ^K-9 buzzes as he obeys the Doctor-Master. * Dalek-0885 detects an amplified nitroglycerin explosion further back in the forest Aren't you ashamed of yourself! * Sontaran cries * _Cyberman_ cries because the Sontaran is crying Now, now... don't be such a baby! Baby? He shot me, Professor! You didn't have to yell at me! But you fired at my companion! I only shot the can *sniff* I didn't shoot at the girl! Well, at least you hit what you're aiming at... Do not insult the supreme Dalek race! And now I'm not even scaring you anymore. * Sontaran sobs some more You're a coward! * Sontaran nods in agreement And i suppose you'll be wanting him to join us as well? My goodness... a cowardly Sontaran... I never! I *sniff* I am afraid of everything. <^K-9> Unit advises caution. Hostile may be feigning cowardice. I don't think anyone could feign that much, K-9. Well, the Master-Wizard could probably help him. The Master-Wizard? I'm just waiting to see how great this Master-Wizard person really is. Reported that Master-Wizard possesses the power of personality enhancement for use by weak humanoid beings. * Sontaran cowers behind the Cyberman * _Cyberman_ cowers behind the Sontaran, as if the Sontaran is afraid, then he needs to be afraid too Now, now... don't worry. We've got a Dalek and a Cyberman here to protect you... and if that doesn't work, K-9. The Master-Wizard eats Sontarans for breakfast, doesn't he? Sounds like a winner. No, I don't think so. * Sontaran sighs in relief Also reported that Master-Wizard possesses unusual gustatory habits. * Sontaran cowers again I think he'd help you, because... because... he's the wonderful Master-Wizard of wherever we are! <_Cyberman_> Hey, perhaps we need to cower behind each other? I'll get behind you and then you get behind me. Daleks do not cower! Daleks conquer and destroy! Daleks are the supreme beings of the universe! * Dalek-0885 fires at the Cyberman, and blows up some posies * Doctor-Five sighs Or we could all join hands and sing Kumbaya. * ^K-9 searches his databank for reference "Kumbaya" * Sontaran and the Cyberman cower around each other like a sketch out of a Marx Brothers film You know, Professor, I think I saw this in a movie once. Well, we'd better get going again. We've got the Wicked Rani mad at us. We shouldn't stay still too long. <^K-9> Advise movement to avoid detection. Agreed. Sustained rate of movement is a wise precaution. OK, we're off to see the... whatever. * Sontaran moves cautiously forward and bumps into the Cyberman * Doctor-Five walks beside Ace * ^K-9 begins trundling along again. * _Cyberman_ is scared so offers to go first Is it me, or is the road looking a bit cracked here? We'd probably be best off to stay out of the way of the Marx brothers. They all seem to have explosives... Oh, I just remembered, you do too. Don't leave home without them. * Doctor-Five starts walking * Doctor-Five leads the way out of the forest ***** * Wicked_Rani_West watches the group's progress from her TARDIS-BROOMSTICK monitor * Wicked_Rani_West snorts Sooooo, they want to see the Master-Wizard... We shall see about that! ***** I wonder how long the road is? * YellowBrickRoad isn't too long to go Look! It's the Master-Wizard's city... just beyond this huge field of flowers! Wow! It's huge! Yes, Ace, it is a big one. Flowers are irrelevant. * Dalek-0885 trundles on * Sontaran runs ahead because he finds flowers so unscary * ^K-9 ducks his head and attaches a flower to his ears. * Ace^ sticks a flower in the the Doctor's lapel, above the badge, opposite the celery ***** * Wicked_Rani_West rummages in her bag of tricks and pulls out some sleeping powder. Naaaah, too corny. * Wicked_Rani_West pulls out a small psi powered time loop * Wicked_Rani_West inserts it into the console and directs at the little group * Wicked_Rani_West cackles maliciously ***** * Doctor-Five starts to run across the field My, my, I think I'm going to have to give up smoking. I'm getting winded already! * Dalek-0885 reaches the end of the field of flowers * ^K-9 starts trundling along again. Flowers are irrelevant. * Dalek-0885 starts to move through the field of flowers * Doctor-Five is getting sleepy * _Cyberman_ goes and picks the flowers <_Cyberman_> Beautiful. * _Cyberman_ decides to make flower necklaces for everyone * Sontaran runs forward some more and gets nowhere I think it's time to rest now, Doctor. I think you're right... I don't think I can run another step. AFter all, we've been walking for such a long time. * Ace^ yawns * Doctor-Five plops down <_Cyberman_> Here, Doctor, smell THESE flowers! Ugn, night night Professor. * Ace^ curls up in the flowers Flowers are irrelevant. * Dalek-0885 starts moving through the field of flowers * Doctor-Five starts to snore * ^K-9 grinds to a halt. Power levels too low. * _Cyberman_ puts a necklace around the Dalek * ^K-9 shuts down to conserve energy. * Sontaran runs back and tries to help the Doctor, but is so tired * Dalek-0885 finally reaches the end of the field Flowers are irrelevant. * Dalek-0885 enters the field of flowers * Wicked_Rani_West watches her monitor and frowns. She checks the circuit. Smeg, Gallifreyan junk! <_Cyberman_> Hmmm, why did they go to sleep, Dalek? Maybe smelling more flowers will wake them up! Sleep is unnecessary for the mighty Dalek race! * Wicked_Rani_West drums her fingers on the console as she considers her next action * _Cyberman_ puts several flower necklaces around the Doctor, Ace and the Sontaran * Dalek-0885 emerges out of the field of flowers Flowers are irrelevant. * Dalek-0885 crushes a daffodil as he crosses the border into the field * _Cyberman_ puts several flowers into his head gear <_Cyberman_> Aren't they the prettiest things? * Sontaran snores * _Cyberman_ tries to wake up the Doctor in order for him to appreciate the flowers * Doctor-Five turns over and cuddles up * _Cyberman_ begins to cry as the Doctor won't wake up * _Cyberman_'s tears lands on the Doctors face ::to be continued!::