From haem@katie.vnet.net
Janet and I were sitting in the Mouse Hole today, chatting with Fay and drinking lots of Doof cappuccino (well, Janet was, anyway) when suddenly we heard this really loud fanfare!
FANFARE: Da da da da!
Of course, we both *instantly* knew what it was - a Royal Summons to Meeting! Fortunately, CiCi had specified the Mouse Hole as the location for all royal meetings as it was one of the few places to escape the Great Fire, so we didn't have to go anywhere.
FAY: Gee, I guess I should brew up about twelve more pots of coffee...
Then CiCi came running in.
CICI: *pant* *pant*
Mice started filtering through the doors one-by-one, until almost the entire Mouse Hole was full!
DUC: What's this with a royal meeting? We haven't had one of these in ages!
Everyone held their breath...it was totally silent in the bar. You could have heard a glass beaker drop.
GLASS BEAKER: *smash!*
Random glares were sent in Abree's direction.
CICI: The reason I called you all here is this: I received a telephone call today from none other than...Chris Carter!
Quite a lot of murmuring was heard, from excited to distraught to suspicious.
DUC: Why does he want *us*?!
*Lots* of murmuring was heard, now entirely split between elated and disbelieving.
DUC: Isn't it kinda early for them to be filming next season's episodes?
Everyone ran out of the Mouse Hole, cheering!
PENNI: Brian, pack the Tupperware and Mary Kay! We're going to *LA*!!!
In Los Angeles...
CHR*S C*RTER: Bwahahahahahahahaha!!! I am so EVIL!!!
From PhantomX43@aol.com
Since it was *such* a long way from our newly-rebuilt Lab to the Litmus Paper Airport [note: if it really isn't, now it is] and most of us were stone drunk 'cause of our previous 11 3/4 hour celebration and couldn't even stand up, we knew we needed a car. Since we couldn't afford either a limo or a charter
bus, and us Mice who're still in Middle School or High School refused to use a school bus, we were hard pressed for a vehicle. In our hoplessly drunk and desperate state, we only had one option - the Teso-Taco Loco bus. Debi and I, using our "connections" :::snicker::: were able to talk the "officials" at Teso-Taco Loco :::snickers again::: into letting us borrow the bus. So, Debi and I took turns driving the big waste of scrap metal - uh, er *really nice* mode of transportation - back to the Lab, thus really denting the sucker - uh, I meant to say only scratching it up in a few barely-noticable places.
When we arrived, most of the LABB (CiCi had taken a few of the mice to the airport already) and a few clones (Raoul was the only one I could identitfy) waiting for us. We were all stumped at how we were going to get the 251 crates of Doof on the bus and still have room for us, the clones, and Penni's luggage.
So we contemplated this minor setback for a while.
Meanwhile....
In Hell's Firey Inferno - er, LA, the new production site of "The X-Files", Ch*rs C*rt*r (who now, mysteriously, sounds like an evil scientist plotting to take over the world) was devising his evil, heinous, no-good, dirty-rotten, downright mean plan to get rid of his problems once and for all.
:::"The Phantom of the Opera" overture plays:::
CC: "I am absolutly brilliant! I can not only get rid of that endless stream of "Bring Back Pendrell" letters, but also those pesky Lab Rodents once for all!!! :::evil laugh::: But, even I, Satan, cannot pull off such an evil deed on my own. I need a partner!! :::intercoms secretary::: I need the two
most evil people in the world. Now!!!" Soon he has his partners in crime - Bill Gates and some guy named Fred.
Meanwhile...
Back in Fantasy Land (Or LabbVille), the Lab Mice had settled their problem of room in the bus - leave Penni home!!!! But, alas, that was too cruel, so we used a few of those roof-top carriers for all of the extra luggage. Also, a few of the clones had the bizarre idea of strapping a few water skis to roller blade wheels and "road ski" by attaching a rope to the back of the bus. We all quickly agreed to the idea. So, once we were all packed (and after four of the clones decided they had to use the bathroom *after* they were all situated), we were off!!!
From LabMouse@aol.com
And off they were.
The Teso-Taco Loco bus chugged its way to the airport weighed down not only with a desperate, one day supply of "Doof" ™ beer, but also with enough pink Official Mary Kay luggage to make a flamingo sick.
Meanwhile, CiCi, her *special-needs* clones (the ones who needed a certain strong hand -and- spanking machine to keep them in line at all times) and the other LabMice were already in the airport. The clones ran hither and thither, trying to filch free candy bars from the vending machines but only getting their hands stuck in the coin slots in the process. As they waited, CiCi noticed that Ladyfox was busy scribbling in her notepad, writing at a furious pace. After making a sharp "dot!" at the end of the page, she turned to CiCi.
Ladyfox: CiCi, darling, do you think that Chris Carter will let me write the next Pendy script? I have this great idea here. Take a look.
CiCi: Sure. [takes book from Ladyfox and reads] DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN! Um, well, while -I'd- like to see that happen in an episode, I don't think that Fox's Standards Department will let that one get aired.
Ladyfox: Why ever not?
Queen Thud:
CiCi: What she said. And besides, I'd wonder if Nic Lea and Brendan are really -that- uh, committed, to their art.
Ladyfox: Hmmph. Well, all true artists -should- be.
CiCi: [calling out to scattered Labmice and assorted clones] Okay, guys! Come on! Gather round! We need a head count! And where the heck are the SchoolMice?
Abree: I just got a cel call from Penni. They are, and I quote, "on some sort of hideous contraption from Hell, jerking along some filthy road, bouncing quite needlessly over every pothole ever known, toward, what is no doubt is the Lair of Satan himself."
CiCi: Oh, Teso-Taco Locos again, huh? Thought that Deb gave up on them after they drove that fresh batch of clones straight off a cliff. And I hope that dratted Penni didn't bring every darn bottle of lipstick he owns this time.
They have weight requirements on the plane you know.
Marita: [raising hand shyly] Um, I know I'm new around here, but Penni confuses me. Is he a boy or a girl clone?
Carson: Yes.
Marita: Excuse me?
Carson: Yes. He's a boy or a girl.
Marita: [looking down sadly] Oh. Thank you.
And as CiCi gathered up the Labmice and counted them, whipped the clones back into a straight line, yanking the stuck ones out from the vending machines, she turned to hear a dreadful screeching, rumbling, crashing, bumping noise
come to a halt directly outside the terminal door.
CiCi: Hey, they're here!
Penni: [yelling dramatically from bus window] Oh, my GOODNESS! What a horrible trip!
Debi: EVERRRRYBODY OUT! Come on we don't have all day! Grab the Doof, and Penni, get your luggage!
Penni: Oh, I'm too tired. Brian, sweets? Could you possibly get my bags?
Brian: There's at least 200 of them! Maybe a 1,000 of them! Maybe even a 1,000,000!
Penni: [threateningly] BRRRIIIIIAAAAANNNN!
Brian: Yes, dear.
CiCi: [yelling as Labmice slowly gather in the terminal] Okay guys! Our flight leaves in one hour. Now, ONWARD! To Pendrell & Glory!
ALL: TO PENDRELL & GLORY! YEEAAHHH!
BUT, MEANWHILE, IN THE LAIR OF "SATAN HIMSELF"
Chris Carter sat in his high-backed black leather chair, with Bill Gates on his right side and the mysterious Fred to the his left. He would have been cackling and rubbing his hands, but he'd been doing it for such a long time already, he had one heck of a case of chapped palms AND a sore throat that he couldn't believe.
But two minor inconveniences like that weren't going to stop him from his greatest plot ever.
To rid X-Philedom of The LabMice...
Forever.
Oh, that sweet, sweet day. To see the looks on their faces when they realized that they haven't come to know their greatest triumph, but that they have walked into a trap of the most horrifying proportions. So horrifying, he wasn't even sure he could contemplate -exactly- what it was yet, but heck,
that's why he had Evil Genius Bill Gates on one side...
And the mysterious Fred on the other.
CC: I'm glad you could make it, gentlemen.
BG: No problem. Hey, did you know that I'm making over a million dollars a minute, just sitting here?
CC: I imagined as much. And now, gentlemen. I need both of your brilliant minds. I have a tiny problem with one of the sects that has sprung up around my show. They are the fans of that labrat Pendrell. They call themselves The
LabMice, and they are as annoying as HELL. Letter after letter, web site after web sites, protest after protest, THEY WON'T SHUT UP! We need to do something, and do it soon, as they are on their way here for, *cough*, Pendrell's return.
Fred: You're bringing Pendrell back?
CC: [glaring] No.
Fred: Oh, too bad. You know, he was a good char...
CC: [interrupting Fred with a stare that would melted steel]. Don't go there, Fred. I don't want to bring Pendrell back. I'm not going to bring him back. I killed him for a purpose. I had a reason. There was an incredibly IMPORTANT and logical reason why I killed Pendrell in "Max". A very, very, VERY important reason.
Fred: Uh, really? What reason was that?
CC: [thundering] I DON'T KNOW! GO ASK SPOTNITZ, DAMNIT! I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS! I JUST WANT THOSE LABMICE GONE & DEAD!
BG: I can drop a big barrel full of money on them. The new hundred dollar bills are heavier than the old ones.
CC: [sighing] Well, that's a step in the right direction.
BG: Gold bars? Tiffany Lamps? Smother them with mink coats? Hey, I can drop a mansion on them!
CC: [burying his head in his hands] Oh, jeez.
It was going to take longer than he'd imagined. But he would get there.
Or his name wasn't Chr*s "Satan" C*rter.
BUT, MEANWHILE, IN VANCOUVER CANADA:
Brendan Beiser stepped out of his trailer with a grimace. Sure, he enjoyed making movies with his pal Trevor White, but after five Ken Hegan flicks in a row, and the two life-long friends were getting a little testy in each other's company.
TW: Hey! That's my box of Smarties.
BB: I'm not eating them. I'm not even touching them.
TW: I just wanted you to know that.
BB: Okay, they belong to you. Fine.
TW: And you're sitting in my chair.
BB: When did this become -your- chair? You're sitting in an identical one anyway.
TW: I was sitting in that one yesterday.
BB: [getting up with a grimace] Fine. Here, you take it.
TW: Thanks. Oh, and that's my shirt you're wearing, by the way.
BB: KEN! KEN! DAMNIT! KEEEEN!!!!!
Yes, it had been a long shoot that was for sure.
But for now, Brendan was enjoying the peace and quiet of reading his script and preparing for a lone scene, one without Trevor and his Smarties, when a young gofer came walking up with a sheet of computer paper in his hand.
Gofer: Mr. Beiser?
BB: Yes?
Gofer: I have something for you here. It's an E-mail from someone named EnCat.
BB: Hannah? Hmm...guess she wants another Christmas card. Could you read it to me, I'm kinda concentrating here.
Gofer: Sure. "Looking forward to seeing you in L.A. Hope we get to chat. PS: Are you *sure* you can't get me a copy of "Harvey"?"
BB: [looking up] What? LA? Why is she looking forward to seeing me in LA?
Gofer: Um, it says here that she's supposed to meet you on the X-Files set. For the new episode that you're going to be in. All the, uh, "Labmice" were invited as well.
BB: [grabbing note from gofer] Wha-aa-t? I'm not in some new episode. In fact they're all on vacation this week. It's re-run hiatus. The whole set is empty except for Carter and Spotnitz. Why on earth...
Beiser's eyes widened. With horror.
BB: Oh. My. God.
Gofer: [startled] What is it? What is it?
BB: Oh my God! He's not happy only with killing ME! HE'S GONNA KILL ALL MY FANS AS WELL! HEY, KEN, I GOTTA GO! TELL TREVOR I'LL CALL! OUTTA MY WAY! OUTTA MY WAY!
And Brendan ran like the wind down the steep Vancouver hill.
But would he be in time?
~~~~~~~
From: Carson Maynard <haem@katie.vnet.net>
[In the Litmus Paper Airport...]
CICI: [with her head in her hands] I said only bring clones if you *have* to... [moans]
[Clones instantly start pushing and shoving in an effort to get to the gate first. CiCi cracks her whip again; they stop]
CICI: I said, IN AN ORDERLY LINE!!! [clones form an orderly line] Now! March! [clones march]
[Later...as the plane takes off...]
PENNI: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! WE'RE IN THE SKY!!!
[and in the back of the plane...]
QUEEN THUD:
[Meanwhile, in Los Angeles...]
CHR*S C*RTER: Look, I don't think you two have quite the same evil, megalomaniacal vision that I have...
[and still meanwhile, in Vancouver, as Brendan Beiser races down the street towards the bus station...]
TREVOR: [pulling up in a car] Hey Brendan, what's up with you ditching us like that? You have a scene to film, you know!
From Meliphyre@aol.com
PILOT: May I have your attention. Please fasten your safety belts as we prepare for take off. PLease leave your tray in an up right possistion until we are in the air.Thank you for flying Litmus Paper Airlines.
The plane engines start and the plane begins to move slightly foward
IAN: We're gonna DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!
Peni meanwhile has the lap tray down and an assortmant of bags and boxes spread amongs his and Brian's lap. He/She opens one bag and begins going through the contents tissues and Mary Kay samples gets flung. A flight attendant approaches. Let's all listen as she speaks with PEni and Brian.
F.A: Excuse me, Ma'am, er.. i'm sorry Sir... erm.....
Penni looks at the FA like she has broken the cardinal sin.
PENI: If you don't mind I'm trying to work here... I have to find the perfect one.. the one she has now is just so horrible.
Peni holds an eyshadow sampleup in the direction of the flight attendant.
PENI: Take this. It will go lovely with your suit. Perhaps even block out hte hideous thing. Brian! next bag!!.
Brian hands PEni the next bag to sift through and Peni tosses the first one behind him.
HADES: Hey watch it Peni!!!!
He starts to throw it back.
ARES: don't do that! this will come in handy later!!!
Ares whispers something in Fee's ear.
FEE: OOOOOH!! OK.
The plane lifts off into the air.
IAN: We're gonna DIIIIIIIIIIE!!!!!!
The Flight ATtendant is looking quite scared at this point but reaches out to take the eye shadow.
PENI: Dahling, lay off the caffiene
HeShe fishes around and extracts a powder sample.
PENI: Use this whe you start to turn red
Tosses the bag.
PENI: Brian!
The fligth attendant finally huffs away as Peni throws another sack behind him.
MEanwhile in a black limo racing across California, three black souls plot.
BILL GATES: I could cause the computer to route thier return trip to timbucktu
And flying thousands of feet above Utah <ok so I jujst picked a state <G>
PENI: Where is it!! We got all the Mary Kay bags and Boxes didn't we?
HADES: Go deep!!
Hades kicks and the origianl Mary Kay bag goes flying throug the airplain fusulage.
HADES: Score!!!!
Ares grabs the bag being used for a soccer ball and kicks
IN the back, Fee, Carson, Mel, V-Ron and Sully <and another few clones> were in the middle of screaming out the lyrics to the entire score of Into the Woods. IT's also important to note that Prior to this, they had screamed the
lyrics to the entire score of Phantom of the Opera and Les MIserable. FUrther, it should be noted that inbetrween acts, Veronica, and Mel join Duc and Beth in singing MOnkees tunes. Luckily, there is more then enough bags full of Doof to prevent against lyringitis. Finally, it must be noted that
there are Mary Kay boxes and bags all over the passanger seating.
PILOT: Attention passangers... as we approach Califorina, I would like to remind...
The Pilot is silenced, the singing has stopped, sacks, used as soccer balls stop flying through the air.
PENI: Oh glorious happy day!!!
Everyone cranes their neck to stare at the box.
ABREE: It looks like the color her hair is already.
Date: Thu, 30 Apr 1998 00:37:57 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Redeem this for a FREE BAR of AT&T commercials!
JANET: Don't forget the Doof! Lots of Doof!
ME: Hey, CiCi! Can you tell us what the meeting's about? Any hints?
CICI: [shaking her head excitedly] No, I want to wait until everyone gets here. But it's good! It's really really good!
ME: Oooh, Chr*s C*rter has acknowledged his wrong and is ready to bring Pendrell back?
CICI: Er...well, actually...
DEBI: Yeah...is something wrong??? More stinky cheese??? ACK!
PENNI: Debi! Don't say bad things about stinky cheese!
TRILL: Penni, who invited *you*, anyway?
PENNI: She did! [points at Queen Thud]
TRILL: What's SHE doing here?!
QUEEN THUD:
TRILL: Oh...really?
QUEEN THUD:
TRILL: Gee. I guess you can stay, then. But don't make too much noise!
CICI: Excuse me...everyone? Can I have your attention? I have an announcement to make!
ABREE: Oops, that was our very last and rarest glass beaker, wasn't it?
EVERYONE: *GASP!*
ME: Where are the asterisks?!
CICI: I'm getting to that! He told me that he wanted all of the LabMice to fly out to LA, at his expense, to be in an episode of The X-Files that they're about to start shooting! He said it's called "Artifice" and it's a heavy Scully episode.
CICI: That's the great part! Remember that article Trill sent us?
TRILL: You mean when Chr*s C*rter said he was going to use Brendan in his next show?
CICI: Right, that one. Well...he also told me that "Artifice" is the episode where Pendrell returns!
EVERYONE: ***GASP!!!***
CICI: And he wants us all to be there as a sort of celebration slash forgiveness party!
CICI: [shrugs] I only know what I'm told.
ROSE: Who's writing it, anyway?
CICI: Um...I think he said that Vince Gilligan was writing it.
ROSE: Aw right!!!
CICI: With John Shiban.
ROSE: WHAT?!?!? No! He'll ruin it!
CASHEWS: *hit Rose*
ROSE: Ow! Okay! I'm sure it'll be great. *grumbles*
JANET: So when do we leave?!
CICI: Tomorrow! So everyone pack your things, bring along a clone if you absolutely have to, and I'll see you all at the airport at noon. I gave the owner of Litmus Paper Airlines quite a royal sum to fly us all out there round-trip. He owed it to me after all the frequent-flier miles I had going to the Isle of Comox and back.
Date: Sun, 3 May 1998 08:24:05 EDT
Subject: {{{LABB}}} We gotta get better- 'cause we can't get worse!
Date: Thu, 14 May 1998 18:25:21 EDT
Subject: LABB: LIST ADDITION & "The LA Trip Trap: Part Three"
to be continued....
Date: Mon, 8 Jun 1998 17:53:08 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: [LABB] Same AT&T commercial, different dimensions
PENNI: Oh, Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan! There's a spooooooooooot on my shooooooooooooe!
BRIAN: [racing over] Yes, Penni, darlingest of darlings, let me fix that right up for you. [starts scrubbing the shoe as Penni stands imperiously over him]
DOOF BOTTLE: *crash!*
PASSERBY: *shriek!*
IAN and SHIRLEY: Muahahahahaha! [they run away]
SEAN: Help! Help! I'm stuck on the baggage claim thing!
SULLY: This stupid machine stole my change! [bangs on vending machine]
GUN: *bang!*
SAME PASSERBY: *shriek!!!*
PENWYN: Oops, sorry...just practicing...heh heh...
HAM: [jumping up and down] Look! I can touch the top of the departures list!
DISEMBODIED VOICE: Litmus Paper Airlines flight number 032397 to Los Angeles is now boarding. Please proceed to Gate 1013.
CICI: All right! That's enough, you clones! GET IN LINE! [cracks whip; clones instantly form a line, except for Sean, who is still stuck and going in circles on the baggage claim thing]
SEAN: Help! [Janet goes to free him]
CICI: That's better. Now, in an orderly line, let's go to the gate.
METHYL: WE'RE GOING TO CRASH!!!
RUSTY: I think I'm gonna be sick, Aunt CiCi!
DEBI, SHIRLEY and ROSE: Shut up!!!
HUGH:
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH:
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH: [laughs]
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH:
JANET: Oh, for heavens' sake!
GATES: And then I'll asphyxiate them with diamonds!
FRED: Yeah! And I'll turn some of them to tar!
GATES: Yeah! I'll make them suffer through Win95 crashes until they DIE!
FRED: All right! And then I can bring them back to life and make them do it all over again!!!
GATES: Yeah!
FRED: Yeah!
GATES and FRED: Bwahahahahahahaha!!!
CHR*S C*RTER: Guys, listen...I mean...that stuff's cool and all, but it lacks a certain...poetry. Where's the irony? Where's the fear and the terror? It's not enough!
GATES: What, you want poetry? I'll give you poetry! [holds up a CD-ROM entitled "Instant Poetry (for Win98)"]
CHR*S C*RTER: Give me that! [takes the CD and chucks it out the window] Quit it with the joking! That's not what I hired you for! Now, are you going to help me kill those LabMice or *what*?! I want EVIL, you two, PURE UNADULTERATED EVIL!!!
FRED: Oh. Well, I think we can do that. Don't you, Bill?
GATES: Yeah. No doubt about about it. Just watch us.
BRENDAN: Don't lecture me, Trevor, I don't have time to talk.
TREVOR: What's going on, anyway? [starts the car up again and drives after Brendan]
BRENDAN: Simply? Chris Carter is trying to do away with all my fans, and I have to stop him.
TREVOR: Do away with? [laughs] You make it sound like he's trying to kill them or something!
BRENDAN: He is, and if you'll excuse me, I need to cross the street here.
TREVOR: [lets this sink in] Uh...want a ride? You might get there faster.
BRENDAN: [looks at him] Do you go as far as LA?
TREVOR: [thinks] Okay. Just promise not to eat my Smarties.
BRENDAN: It's a deal. [He gets in, and the car takes off...for Los Angeles!]
Date: Wed, 10 Jun 1998 03:00:54 EDT
Subject: {LABB}Throwing back a bottle of doof
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH:
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH:
JANET: shut up you two.
Debi: whatever
FA: *ahem* yes, well, <she's obviously a bit flustered> I"m afraid that the bags and boxes and the trey will have to be put up for the take off.
BRAIN: Yes dear, what ever you say.
FEE: Boys, behave.
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH:
QUEEN THUD:
HUGH:
JANET:If you don't shut up, you two, I'm not going to let you in on my Doof secret
FA: Sir, I must insist that the tray be put up.
PENI: Insist all you want. But here...
FA: I must point out sir that this Airlines will not and can not be held responsible for your lack of cooperatoin on this flight.
PENI: It's not here either.
BRIAN: Yes dear. <hand Peni the next box>
PENI: Here, have an order blank and not so much eye liner you look like a dead circus clown
BRIAN: THat wasn't very nice!
PENI. briiiiian
BRIAN: yes dear. whatever you say dearest.
FRED: Or OR OR we could choke them with PB&J sandwhiches!
CC: stop it!!!
Bill GATES: See that bill board? It cost me $100 dollars to put up, pocket chagne really, and I'm making billions everytie a car passes it.
CC: impressive. Really. gee.
FRED: Hey, my AUnt Birtha once had a bill board in her front yard.
BILL GATES: What did she advertize?
FRED: Nuthin. It blew there durnig the storm of 67 and stayded until the great fire of 83.
CC: Charming. Really. Now, Fred, I want you to get a dozen cases of whatever those LABB freaks drink and make sure it is ready for them.
FRED: Uh, I don't think I can
CC: WHAT"???
FRED: I think they make that stuf themselves.
BILL GATES: I.. I .. i.. can't breath!
CC: Oh what's wrong now!
BILL GATES: all my money.. and I can't get what they drink!!
CC: Shame there Bill Boy.
BILL GATES: <his eyes are now burnign with fire> I will get them for putting me through this. Oh yes, when I am done with them, they will wish they had never met Bill Gates!! OH yes but I can sufficate them with hundred dolar
bills!!!!!!!
BRIAN: Yes dear we did.
PENI: Then I will continue to search.
ARES: Not if I can help it!
FEE: Yes!
ARES: That's not fair! you cheated.
HADES: Did not!
ARES: did too!
HADES: did not!
ARES: Did too.
FEE: Another round boys?
PENI:: I FOUND IT!!!!!
BRIAN: Um, Darling, I think everyone wants to know...
PENI: I'm getting ot that...
BRIAN: Your pump is digging a hole in the seat.
PENI: Such a small matter compared with discovery!! Behold, the perfect hair dye for Gillian.
PENI: No no no!! YOu see, this is Sunset 101! It has just a pinch more cinimon color then her hair now creating this illustrious tone that will simply bring here eyes and further define her facial bone structure! <Peni hugs the bottle close>
PENI: Truly this is monumental!!!!
ABREE:: Still looks the same to me